The experience of our parents is almost always going to be different from our own. This might make it difficult to relate because they’re out of touch, or they can provide insight that elude us.
Redditor mentotallyill got some advice from her biological father that she didn’t appreciate. But she’s worried her response might have been out of line.
The original poster (OP) decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about her situation.
It involves her love life:
“AITA for calling my bio dad a hypocrite after he said he’s disappointed that I’m dating a white man?”
OP and her dad have a unique background:
“I 23F am a mixed (half black, half white) woman in a relationship with a white dude named ‘Kyle’ 24M. We’ve been together for 1.5 years now & we have a really wonderful relationship.”
“My bio dad ‘Calvin’ is black. Calvin has 4 children including me from 3 white women & his current fiancée ‘Pam’ is also white. You could say that he has a type lol.”
“I am NC with Calvin’s kids, LC with Calvin (birthday, Christmas texts basically), & MC with Pam. This arrangement works & I haven’t had any issues with them for a while.”
“Calvin has known about Kyle since we first got together because I still had a closer relationship with them at the time but I never showed him any pictures and we didn’t talk about him very much.”
Then this happened:
“I went for ice cream with Pam this past weekend & we had a good time just chatting & catching up. Kyle came up briefly, I showed her some pictures & we both gushed over how handsome he is & how cute we are together.”
“It was a good time & at the end she asked me if it was okay with me that she updates Calvin on what’s happening with me & I said that’s totally fine.”
“Fast forward to yesterday I got a call from Calvin saying hello & he’s glad to hear I’m doing well etc. we chatted a bit & he asked how things with Kyle are going & I told him that all is wonderful.”
“Then he said ‘I’m surprised that you decided to be with a white guy. Your sisters only seem to date black men.’”
“I was surprised but I didn’t get upset, I just said ‘well you should know by now that I’m not much like [sisters] & it doesn’t matter what ethnicity my partner is, all that matters is that the relationship is healthy & safe & full of love which it is.’”
“What he said next is what bothered me. ‘I’m glad that he treats you well but I’m disappointed. I would prefer you be with a black man because black people understand black people in a way that white people never will.’”
“Now, I completely understand what he was saying here. It’s true that Kyle & I have & will experience the world in very different ways & some of those ways we may be able to empathize with & others we will never truly understand.”
“It’s just something that needs to be understood in an interracial relationship, we need to be allies. We have had extensive conversations about it & we are navigating the world together as a team.”
“But instead of saying any of those wonderful words I said ‘I think it’s incredibly hypocritical of you to lecture me about dating a white person when you have exclusively dated & had kids with white women. You also have no place in my life to tell me whether or not you approve of ANY of my relationships. You can keep your opinions to yourself unless explicitly asked.’ & hung up the phone.”
“Shortly after that I received a text from Pam saying that I should be nicer to Calvin because he’s already afraid to/doesn’t know how to talk to me & he just wants to reconnect.”
“Anyway. I now find myself wondering if I was a bit too short with him because I do understand what he meant to express.”
The AITA board has users vote whether OP was wrong by including one of the following in their comments:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP’s relationship with her bio-dad is a little strained, but that’s all the more of a reason for dad to be careful with his words. OP might not have been as nice as she could have been, but that doesn’t mean she was wrong either.
Dad was determined to be the one wrong here.
“If he wants you two to reconnect, telling you who to date is not a well thought out first step.”
“NTA” – lulubelleknitting
“Especially after they’ve already been together a year and a half. SMH” – morningmint
“Its so controlling and hypocritical…Nta” – BadKarmaBalance
“NTA what’s wrong with him that he can’t recognise the hypocrisy? He had kids with three different white women?! And to say he is disappointed ? So why didn’t he follow his advice?”
“Is there an element of it’s fine for a Black man to date a white woman but not the other way round? Would he have said it to you if you were his son?” – Careless_Mango
“NTA at all. In fact, I think you handled that much better than I would have. Hypocrite is an understatement.”
“I’m at least glad you are happy in your relationship, and I hope that continues for you!” – mrs_radio_station
Some of the other commenters thought of what the talk between OP and her dad could have been.
“Perhaps he meant well but he spoke poorly. What he should have said is something to the line of ‘Hey, glad you are happy in your realationship. I know first hand how hard a mixed relationship can be but hope you can master the hardships. If you ever need someone to relate to, I will gladly take the time for you’” – Dimirosch
“NTA. The fact that he used the words ‘disappointed’ is a clear indicator that he has no idea how to connect with you or he’s oblivious to his word choices.” – sickofdriving007
“NTA – There is a BIG difference between saying ‘I have been in your position (e.g. black person dating a white person) and I just want to make sure you understand the challenges that can come with that. If you ever want to talk about this, or need advice, I am here’ and his nonsense about ‘being disappointed in you” and he would “prefer you to be with a black man’.”
“He is allowed to feel that way, I suppose, but you are allowed to be offended by him saying this to you and to express that feeling.” – Forward_Squirrel8879
OP stood up for herself and her relationship, and shouldn’t feel ashamed. But it’s not to say that this situation is unsalvageable.
Talking through this with Calvin is possible, and he can learn to express his thoughts more clearly.