There are many books about wedding etiquette and one almost universal rule is that people who aren't invited aren’t expected to give a gift. But what about the family of someone who was disinvited?
A disinvited wedding guest turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
DaughtersIssues12 asked:
"AITA for ruining my childhood best friend's wedding after I was disinvited?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"The wedding is in a week and I could still fix everything if I am being a d*ck. Though I think the friendship is over."
"Growing up, I was very close friends with Ryan. Our family were close friends and it was not uncommon for both sets of parents to tease us about being together."
"Asking when we would get together. It would be comments when we went out, asking if they were dates. They referred to us as a couple. It was that type of thing."
"We didn’t date, and when we went to college, we grew apart. I did have feelings for him, but after college he moved away to another state and it just didn’t happen. We mostly just send quick messages to each other occasionally."
"He announced his engagement, and I knew it would never happen and I was okay with that. His wedding is going to be back home (our home town area). My family was doing the catering as a wedding gift. They were making the food for the wedding. There was no contract, this was supposed to be a gift."
"He called me yesterday and disinvited me to the wedding. He said his fiancée is uncomfortable with me coming since they know I had feelings for him. She thinks I will do something to cause drama at the wedding."
"We've never met. They live a couple of states over, so it is a trip to go see them. I just never had time or money to make that trip."
"I told him I would never do that, and I have literally never tried to cause problems in any of his relationships. I was still disinvited."
"I was upset, and told my mom what happened. My parents think it is bullsh*t and are now are also not going to the wedding. That means the catering is canceled."
"We do have a lot of ingredients. Dad mentioned using them to make food for the homeless shelter near us or give fresh produce to the food banks."
"We won’t be able to eat it all. And the money loss was already planned since this was a gift, so that’s not a big deal."
"I think my family’s business reputation will be okay. I hope that it will be okay. We have a good reputation in general and if it gets out, I have a feeling people will be more mad at him than our family."
"I hope this stays just between us though."
"I guess it will depend on where his parents fall on the issue. My mom said not to worry about it, because she already talked to her friend, Ryan's mom."
"My mom informed the couple, since she was doing the catering. I was actually supposed to help the days before the wedding and the day of. I got a call from Ryan who was upset."
"He called me petty for taking back the family’s gift when I was disinvited. That they don’t have time to get someone else, or the money. That his fiancée was right, that I did want to ruin the wedding."
"To be honest, the friendship was over for me the moment I got disinvited."
"Was I over the line? Should I convince my family to do the food even if I am not invited?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I realize you and your parents are separate units seeing as how you’re all adults. But the couple expecting to uninvite you and still get free catering from your parents is wild on their part."
"It wasn’t your choice to be uninvited. You didn’t tell your parents to step down either; that was a choice they made for themselves. NTA."
"I find it hilarious that the bride didn’t want her there because she would do something that causes drama at the wedding, which of course immediately causes drama at the wedding." ~ z6joker9
"She’s just so plain dumb though. 'How could I make sure not to have drama at my wedding? Oh I know, let me uninvite the completely unproblematic daughter of the people doing our catering for free! That will make our wedding perfect." ~ atotalmess__
"In trying to avoid 'fiancée decides to abandon me at the altar and propose to his long-lost love' drama, she invented 'being shunned by the local community' drama. In trying to avoid the frying pan, she found the fire." ~ boxesofboxes
"NTA What did they expect? They disinvited you. Your family should have your back here. The friendship is over now anyway." ~ Puzzleheaded-Salt278
"Like, anyone should see that coming. 'Oh, I disinvited your kid even though she did nothing; you’re still gonna give me this very generous gift, right?' No dude." ~ redbananass
"Yeah it’s pretty wild to think 'let’s disinvite someone in the family, and the rest of the family will just be ok with it and give us thousands of dollars worth of food and service'.” ~ Jeffdaisos
"Now I'm suspicious that they invited OP so last minute thinking that it would be too late to cancel the catering. They underestimated mom." ~ Own_Candidate9553
"If I had a fallout with a friend/friend's family before my wedding, regardless of how many days before, if any wedding gift HAD been offered, I would expect them to be well within their rights to rescind the gift. If it was a physical object I'd probably offer to return it."
"I do not think this is some holier-than-thou move, just seems like the natural course of things—any future dated gifts are null and void upon closure of the relationship." ~ GYEmperor
"I bet they waited to uninvite her this close thinking her parents wouldn’t dare cancel so close to the wedding. Maybe it is an a**hole move to cancel the catering, but turnabout is fair play and if you act like an a**hole to someone, they just might be an a**hole back. Don’t start things you can’t finish." ~ TwoGuysNamedNick
"Which is why the couple should have considered that before they disinvited part of a family." ~ LadyF16
"And they aren’t attending anymore because of the rude and uncouth disinvite of their daughter. So why give a gift if you aren’t going?" ~ Londundundun
"This is such a stupid mindset. This is like dumping your parter on December 18th and being upset your ex didnt get you a gift on Christmas.Disinviting the daughter to the wedding effectively ended the relationship between the families."
"The groom was a massive a**hole for that. The canceling of the catering is the natural consequences of that action. This is the find out portion of FAFO." ~ crazy_urn
"Gifted catering is worth $10’s of thousands where I am and a prudent bride would have understood that disinviting the child of the family friend gifting $10’s of thousands of dollars worth of catering is going to cause drama and very possibly cost a lot of money in finding last minute catering." ~ sun_and_stars8
"Exactly - a gift is always voluntary. Meaning that you're not entitled to one. And it's usually given on the condition that the gift giver likes and cares about the gift recipient."
"If the couple wanted to have a guarantee, they should have hired a professional caterer and paid them." ~ Adventurous_Storm356
"NTA. You didn't know that would result in catering being pulled and it's your parents decision to make." ~ Timtayy69
"What did OP really even do? Told their mom what happened? Like telling your mom something should 99% of the time be expected and okay." ~ anonymooseuser6
"Like ... did Ryan think OP wasn't going to tell her family she was no longer going to the wedding of a family friend—like, just not show up? Or tell ANYONE?"
"Ryan's an idiot and this marriage won't last."
"Like 'Ryan, why isn't my daughter here?'."
"And he'll tell them, 'Oh, my freshly minted wife didn't want her here, so I disinvited her'." ~ MyCatSpellsBetter
"Did he SERIOUSLY think he could so meanly treat OP and her parents would.... what, say 'Oh well that's ok, sh*t on our daughter, we love YOU better'." ~ busyshrew
"Better yet, can you imagine the kind of fallout from her parents finding out about the whole situation at the wedding venue?" ~ Zinc-Roof_22
"How were you supposed to keep it a secret from your parents? They would notice you not going. I assume you didn't ask them not to cater the wedding."
"Their response is a natural consequence of the couple's decision. You didn't ruin the wedding, they did. NTA." ~ anthropocene2000
"Or she was expected not to tell them, and her parents would find out after the catering had already been delivered. Probably for the best, if anyone had gotten sick at the wedding, the bride would’ve accused OP of messing with the food. She seems addicted to drama." ~ enceinte-uno
OP didn't do anything to the bride or groom. They're simply suffering the consequences of their own actions.
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