Volunteering someone else without their consent or knowledge is a definite relationship faux pas.
Not taking no for an answer after volunteering a person without their permission just makes things worse.
A man dealing with a girlfriend who did both turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Longjumping_Mix_8693 asked:
"AITAH for telling my girlfriend I'm not canceling my plans last minute to do manual labor?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Back in December I (28, male) built custom shelves in my basement for my physical media collection ( DVDs, VHS and Blu-ray ) and my popcorn bucket collection since I'm a movie buff. My girlfriend Elizabeth (27, female) loved them and showed them off to her best friend Sarah."
"Now unbeknownst to me, Sarah and Elizabeth made plans for me to build shelves in Sarah's house because Sarah has a pretty large book collection and she's tired of buying cheap bookshelves online. I didn't find out until last Friday night when Elizabeth called me and told me not to make plans for the weekend because I need to go over to Sarah's and build her shelves."
"I told her absolutely not, because I already had plans for my weekend. My best friend was coming back into town after being away for 3 years."
"He got married and moved up to Michigan, so this was my first chance to see him in person in years. We made plans to go see the 'Return of The King' re-release, then go camping. Plans she knew about a month in advance."
"Elizabeth got pissed and said it wouldn't be a big deal if I canceled because it's just a movie and I can watch it anytime, so I need to cancel because Sarah already bought the wood and arranged for pickup at home depot at 9am that Saturday morning."
"I said that's not my problem, you don't get to decide what I do in my free time. If you ask and I agree that's one thing, but you don't get to choose for me."
"She started fussing and saying I'm missing out on a chance to score brownie points with Sarah and I told her I'm almost 30 years old, I don't care about scoring brownie points with anyone. I don't need Sarah's approval, I need yours, and since we've been dating for a year I clearly already have it."
"Either way my plans weren't changing. My buddy that came down had plans with his family, so our trip was gonna be our only chance to see each other."
"That's more important to me than building some shelves. She was pissed, but I told her you don't get to just volunteer me for things, that isn't fair to me."
"My buddy and I went out, saw our movie, went camping, and had a great time. Sarah never got her wood picked up, and I haven't built those shelves."
"Elizabeth has been catty with me ever since, saying I embarrassed her. I don't feel like I did. I think I set a boundary, and she doesn't like it."
"Because yes, I could build the shelves, but if you don't respect me enough to ask me directly, just ambush me the night before with plans you made that don't include me, why should I?"
"AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"I've tried to have a frank conversation with her, but she's brushed it off, saying she's not ready."
"I'm considering whether she is someone who would be a good partner, because we're both adults here, neither one of us gets to make decisions for the other."
"Gender doesn't really factor in here to me. It's about respect, plain and simple, or the lack thereof."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to keep his previously scheduled and shared plans (NTA).
"NTA. You shouldn't get voluntold to do something without ever asking you, especially if you already had plans."
"Elizabeth's entitlement is off the charts, especially for a girlfriend, not to mention her subsequent attempts to manipulate you by suggesting you have to earn the approval of an outsider to stay in the relationship."
"This may be a good moment to consider whether she is someone who would be a good partner, or whether she will continue to manipulate and boss you around." ~ TheWacoFogey
"Signing you up to do FREE manual labor on your day off is already bad enough. Expecting you to ditch your plans and sulking when she's not getting what she wants are just red flags galore."
"Her expecting you to earn brownie points by kissing her friend's a** is just the cherry on top."
"I'm glad you know how to stick up for yourself OP. NTA." ~ _A-Q
"NTA, but you need to have a frank talk with your girlfriend about boundaries. She shouldn't be volunteering full days of your labor to her own family, let alone her friends. And custom shelves for an extensive book collection? That is not a singular day off activity." ~ Lurkeyturkey113
"It sounds as if she's not ready for a relationship, if she's not ready to have honest conversations about respecting one another's time, skills, and priorities."
"You're NTA. The GF overstepped and is really making it worse absent a sincere apology & ownership that the origin of the conflict begins & ends with her." ~ Dramatic_Attempt4318
"I broke up with a girl because she kept volunteering my time to do sh*t for her friends. I stupidly said yes the first time, so she just kept pushing and getting mad when I said no after that."
"I'd say get out of this relationship now. She doesn't respect you or your boundaries." ~ Proud_Comedian7770
"NTA. If she's not ready to talk like an adult, perhaps you need to wait until she matures a little, or step back and reassess if the relationship is going in the right direction." ~ SnooCauliflowers9874
"The important thing to me would not be the manual labour, but her volunteering your time—regardless for what specifically—without checking with you first. Your free time is the most precious thing you have."
"And you get to say 'no, I don't want to' without even having to justify that. And I would do so if I were you, and your girlfriend needs to accept this." ~ ExtendedSpikeProtein
"You should volunteer her cleaning services to your buddies. I'm sure she'll have no problem with that at all." ~ Spiky_Pineapple_2841
"I don't know why you're still with her. Who does she think she is expecting you to build custom wood shelves for anyone? For free? For brownie points? For any reason?" ~ Evening_Delay_1856
"NTA. Who does she think she is to donate your services to her friend without discussion? As though her friend is from the Royal Family, so you need to earn brownie points?" ~ Equivalent_Double_23
"I wouldn't give up my weekend for real brownies. Once word gets out that you will do carpentry work for free, your girlfriend will book you for the rest of your life."
"She gets kudos and congrats for having a great boyfriend, you get run into the ground. NTA." ~ Low-Television-7508
"Elizabeth learned an important lesson that day: Don't be an a**hat and treat your boyfriend like a servant who lives to do your will. NTA."
"OK, I have to assume that Elizabeth has excellent qualities that you're very aware of, OP. But, still... This was a stupid move on her part." ~ BodaciousVermin
"There are two major issues here. You seem to be focusing on her offering your time without your consent, which is a big thing you need to talk about."
"But also, she was completely dismissive and frankly disrespectful about your own plans. Seeing your friend for the first time in three years, and she's adamant that it's not a big deal and just to cancel?"
"NTA, but your girlfriend sounds extremely entitled and like a brat. I hope this was a one-time occurrence and it isn't a pattern." ~ AStoryForOne
"NTA. Your girlfriend was out of line for agreeing for you to do something without consulting you first. In fact, I find it highly disrespectful."
"I had friends do that to me once—made arrangements for me to do something. And then didn't tell me about it until the last minute. I said no, I wouldn't do it."
"But the thing is, your girlfriend should have asked you first before she promised you to do something for other people. And she should have respected your previously announced plans." ~ GoalHistorical6867
"NTA. Also, as a sawdust maker, you don't build the same day you buy the wood. Gotta let it acclimate to where it's going to live. Better if you dry it out too." ~ Oldredeye2
"Also, doesn't the builder usually get to pick out what they're gonna work with? Because in my shop, I don't build with something someone else picked out. Sounds like a good way to end up with sh*tty lumber." ~ AlwaysGypsy
"I've never built bookshelves from scratch, but I know it takes planning, measuring, and getting the right type of wood. And im guessing the wood needs to be finished as well. That's not something you just go pick up a random load of wood from Home Depot for." ~ Boo-Boo97
No one likes to be voluntold.
Especially when it disrespects their own plans.
OP has some thinking to do while his girlfriend gets ready to talk.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.