Volunteering someone else without their consent or knowledge is a definite relationship faux pas.
Not taking no for an answer after volunteering a person without their permission just makes things worse.
A man dealing with a girlfriend who did both turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Longjumping_Mix_8693 asked:
“AITAH for telling my girlfriend I’m not canceling my plans last minute to do manual labor?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Back in December I (28, male) built custom shelves in my basement for my physical media collection ( DVDs, VHS and Blu-ray ) and my popcorn bucket collection since I’m a movie buff. My girlfriend Elizabeth (27, female) loved them and showed them off to her best friend Sarah.”
“Now unbeknownst to me, Sarah and Elizabeth made plans for me to build shelves in Sarah’s house because Sarah has a pretty large book collection and she’s tired of buying cheap bookshelves online. I didn’t find out until last Friday night when Elizabeth called me and told me not to make plans for the weekend because I need to go over to Sarah’s and build her shelves.”
“I told her absolutely not, because I already had plans for my weekend. My best friend was coming back into town after being away for 3 years.”
“He got married and moved up to Michigan, so this was my first chance to see him in person in years. We made plans to go see the ‘Return of The King’ re-release, then go camping. Plans she knew about a month in advance.”
“Elizabeth got pissed and said it wouldn’t be a big deal if I canceled because it’s just a movie and I can watch it anytime, so I need to cancel because Sarah already bought the wood and arranged for pickup at home depot at 9am that Saturday morning.”
“I said that’s not my problem, you don’t get to decide what I do in my free time. If you ask and I agree that’s one thing, but you don’t get to choose for me.”
“She started fussing and saying I’m missing out on a chance to score brownie points with Sarah and I told her I’m almost 30 years old, I don’t care about scoring brownie points with anyone. I don’t need Sarah’s approval, I need yours, and since we’ve been dating for a year I clearly already have it.”
“Either way my plans weren’t changing. My buddy that came down had plans with his family, so our trip was gonna be our only chance to see each other.”
“That’s more important to me than building some shelves. She was pissed, but I told her you don’t get to just volunteer me for things, that isn’t fair to me.”
“My buddy and I went out, saw our movie, went camping, and had a great time. Sarah never got her wood picked up, and I haven’t built those shelves.”
“Elizabeth has been catty with me ever since, saying I embarrassed her. I don’t feel like I did. I think I set a boundary, and she doesn’t like it.”
“Because yes, I could build the shelves, but if you don’t respect me enough to ask me directly, just ambush me the night before with plans you made that don’t include me, why should I?”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“I’ve tried to have a frank conversation with her, but she’s brushed it off, saying she’s not ready.”
“I’m considering whether she is someone who would be a good partner, because we’re both adults here, neither one of us gets to make decisions for the other.”
“Gender doesn’t really factor in here to me. It’s about respect, plain and simple, or the lack thereof.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to keep his previously scheduled and shared plans (NTA).
“NTA. You shouldn’t get voluntold to do something without ever asking you, especially if you already had plans.”
“Elizabeth’s entitlement is off the charts, especially for a girlfriend, not to mention her subsequent attempts to manipulate you by suggesting you have to earn the approval of an outsider to stay in the relationship.”
“This may be a good moment to consider whether she is someone who would be a good partner, or whether she will continue to manipulate and boss you around.” ~ TheWacoFogey
“Signing you up to do FREE manual labor on your day off is already bad enough. Expecting you to ditch your plans and sulking when she’s not getting what she wants are just red flags galore.”
“Her expecting you to earn brownie points by kissing her friend’s a** is just the cherry on top.”
“I’m glad you know how to stick up for yourself OP. NTA.” ~ _A-Q
“NTA, but you need to have a frank talk with your girlfriend about boundaries. She shouldn’t be volunteering full days of your labor to her own family, let alone her friends. And custom shelves for an extensive book collection? That is not a singular day off activity.” ~ Lurkeyturkey113
“It sounds as if she’s not ready for a relationship, if she’s not ready to have honest conversations about respecting one another’s time, skills, and priorities.”
“You’re NTA. The GF overstepped and is really making it worse absent a sincere apology & ownership that the origin of the conflict begins & ends with her.” ~ Dramatic_Attempt4318
“I broke up with a girl because she kept volunteering my time to do sh*t for her friends. I stupidly said yes the first time, so she just kept pushing and getting mad when I said no after that.”
“I’d say get out of this relationship now. She doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.” ~ Proud_Comedian7770
“NTA. If she’s not ready to talk like an adult, perhaps you need to wait until she matures a little, or step back and reassess if the relationship is going in the right direction.” ~ SnooCauliflowers9874
“The important thing to me would not be the manual labour, but her volunteering your time—regardless for what specifically—without checking with you first. Your free time is the most precious thing you have.”
“And you get to say ‘no, I don’t want to’ without even having to justify that. And I would do so if I were you, and your girlfriend needs to accept this.” ~ ExtendedSpikeProtein
“You should volunteer her cleaning services to your buddies. I’m sure she’ll have no problem with that at all.” ~ Spiky_Pineapple_2841
“I don’t know why you’re still with her. Who does she think she is expecting you to build custom wood shelves for anyone? For free? For brownie points? For any reason?” ~ Evening_Delay_1856
“NTA. Who does she think she is to donate your services to her friend without discussion? As though her friend is from the Royal Family, so you need to earn brownie points?” ~ Equivalent_Double_23
“I wouldn’t give up my weekend for real brownies. Once word gets out that you will do carpentry work for free, your girlfriend will book you for the rest of your life.”
“She gets kudos and congrats for having a great boyfriend, you get run into the ground. NTA.” ~ Low-Television-7508
“Elizabeth learned an important lesson that day: Don’t be an a**hat and treat your boyfriend like a servant who lives to do your will. NTA.”
“OK, I have to assume that Elizabeth has excellent qualities that you’re very aware of, OP. But, still… This was a stupid move on her part.” ~ BodaciousVermin
“There are two major issues here. You seem to be focusing on her offering your time without your consent, which is a big thing you need to talk about.”
“But also, she was completely dismissive and frankly disrespectful about your own plans. Seeing your friend for the first time in three years, and she’s adamant that it’s not a big deal and just to cancel?”
“NTA, but your girlfriend sounds extremely entitled and like a brat. I hope this was a one-time occurrence and it isn’t a pattern.” ~ AStoryForOne
“NTA. Your girlfriend was out of line for agreeing for you to do something without consulting you first. In fact, I find it highly disrespectful.”
“I had friends do that to me once—made arrangements for me to do something. And then didn’t tell me about it until the last minute. I said no, I wouldn’t do it.”
“But the thing is, your girlfriend should have asked you first before she promised you to do something for other people. And she should have respected your previously announced plans.” ~ GoalHistorical6867
“NTA. Also, as a sawdust maker, you don’t build the same day you buy the wood. Gotta let it acclimate to where it’s going to live. Better if you dry it out too.” ~ Oldredeye2
“Also, doesn’t the builder usually get to pick out what they’re gonna work with? Because in my shop, I don’t build with something someone else picked out. Sounds like a good way to end up with sh*tty lumber.” ~ AlwaysGypsy
“I’ve never built bookshelves from scratch, but I know it takes planning, measuring, and getting the right type of wood. And im guessing the wood needs to be finished as well. That’s not something you just go pick up a random load of wood from Home Depot for.” ~ Boo-Boo97
No one likes to be voluntold.
Especially when it disrespects their own plans.
OP has some thinking to do while his girlfriend gets ready to talk.