When it comes to the miracle of childbirth, many parents-to-be have a birth plan - some maybe just an idea of what's to happen and some pinpointed down to the last detail.
Regardless of how it actually transpires, though, parents usually know who they want - and who they definitely don't want - in the delivery room.
The extent of each person's contribution in the process, however, seems to be a little blurry for some.
A mom-to-be on Reddit is hurt that her husband, who is a doctor, would rather deliver their baby than hold her hand and comfort her during the delivery, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Specific-Koala1721 asked:
"AITA for wanting my husband to hold my hand during birth?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (35/f[emale]) am 7 months pregnant."
"I am married to an Family Medicine Doctor (35/M[ale]) and we've been together 10 years."
"Throw away reddit because my SIL follows me on reddit and reports everything to my husband."
"I'm reaching out to all of you to ask your advice on a fight my husband and I are having on our birth plan."
"My husband really wants to deliver the baby which I can kind of understand."
"It's not uncommon for doctors to deliver their own kid."
"There is still an OBGYN there monitoring everything, and the doctor father steps in at the last minute as mom is crowning to just catch the baby."
"My husband has I guess always dreamed of being the one to pull the baby out, while I pictured it very differently."
"I thought he would be up by my head, holding my hand and helping me through it."
"He says he will do that, but the easiest part is the very end where I won't need him anyway."
"He said if I really want someone there, his mom can step in."
"I've been on my own since I was a kid living in my car, so I don't have anyone I'd want in there with me except him."
"I don't really even want his mom in there."
"She's great, but he's my person."
"I know it would be 'cool' for him to deliver our baby, but I really feel like I need him there."
"I personally didn't want our doctors to know he was a doctor, because as soon as any of my doctors, or even our vet, finds out he's a doctor they talk exclusively to him."
"I don't even want him to go the prenatal appointments anymore because no one talks to me."
"They all talk to him, and I can't ask my questions to anyone but my husband at home."
"But he's already told everyone he'll be delivering his first baby."
"I guess I don't want this because I wanted him to be there as a husband and a father, and not a doctor."
"I see him as a doctor 95% of the time, and I wanted to experience this with my husband and not my husband the doctor."
"I wanted him to be there for me as this is my first birth, and I'm terrified."
"He just keeps telling me I'll be fine."
"He pulled in friends/family who also don't understand my POV."
"They said this is his first child too, and to just let him have this since I had the honor of being pregnant."
"I just really wanted him to hold my hand all the way through it, and be able to share this experience as parents and people instead of a medical professional."
"I was hoping we could see the baby at the same time and just be equals in this."
"Am I being selfish for wanting this to be my way?"
OP offered an update after talking to some of the couple's mutual friends, and her findings were surprising, to say the least.
"UPDATE: I am going to confront him tonight when he gets home."
"He's already going to be upset because we both have restrictions on how much time we spend on social media sites and I have significantly surpassed that today and yesterday which he'll know as soon as he reviews the router logs."
"I'm hopeful I can catch him before that makes him too upset."
"I did reach out to some of our mutual friends just to see what he has told them for why this is so important to him, only to learn he never discussed this with them."
"I think he made up what he has been saying they said."
"They were really shocked to learn we've been having this disagreement and were actually quite supportive of an expectant mother controlling her birth plan."
"I'm quite nervous about his reaction to this as well and I'd like to get ahead of this."
"Wish me luck and cross your fingers for me!"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on the situation, and many expressed their concern for OP's situation, noting the issue over the birth plan should be the least of her worries.
"ROUTER LOGS !!! WTF?" - rekeils
"Your SIL 'reports' back to your husband?"
"Your husband reviews router history to monitor your internet usage??"
"Girl, I think you have bigger problems than your husband being an inconsiderate partner during your life-threatening medical event."
"Your marriage smells abusive."
"For what it's worth, labor and delivery is 100000% about the person risking their life to bring a child into the world."
"Your husband's SOLE job during YOUR labor is to do exactly what you want him to do." - mutherofdoggos
"Op, you don't sound like you're in a safe situation right now" - Pale_Wave_3379
"Is everyone just glossing over how OP has to post on a throwaway account because her SIL 'reports' back to her husband?"
"OP, are you in an abusive marriage?" - Thewhirlwindblitz
Others believe that since she is the one delivering the child, OP should have the final say no matter how much it upsets her husband.
"NTA I would arrange a meeting with your midwife and doctors without him present."
"I would let them know that in no uncertain terms is your husband allowed to take over and be the doctor for your birth."
"That he's there only as your husband and that if he tries to ignore you and take over then they are to remove him from the room completely."
"That you want this put clearly on your file."
"You are their patient and you are sick of your doctors and nurses only talking only to your husband on YOUR appointments."
"That you're their patient, and you should not have to ask your husband to tell you what your doctors told him about you and your pregnancy when you get home."
"That it is you risking your life going through a traumatic life risking procedure and as such if any of them enable your husband to act as a doctor against your wishes that you will be taking legal action and make official complaints."
"As you should have a say on who you give approval of and who you feel safe operating on your body."
"That your husband is there as your husband only and if he can't do that for one day then he is to be removed."
"After that go to your husband and make it clear you married him the man not him the doctor."
"If he can't not be a doctor for one day or put your needs and wishes when going through something traumatic and life threatening."
"Then he doesn't get to be there at all."
"That if he is not going to abide by you, the patient, and mother's wishes, then you will not allow him in the delivery room at all."
"Why should you when he's clearly refusing to support you and be there as your husband."
"That if he's just going to be another doctor down the business end then you don't need him there."
"If and only if he promises to stay up at your head and hold your hand will you allow him but that you need to make it clear that if he thinks he can just take over when you can't do anything to stop it."
"Then you will have him removed and you nor your baby will return home with him as you will begin divorce proceedings."
"That he thinking he can do this procedure on your body without your consent is assault, and you clearly don't give your consent despite the fact he keeps dismissing this fact."
"That if he clearly thinks he can assault you then will not be married to him."
"If he can't be a loving husband to his wife and not a doctor, only then theirs no marriage anyway." - Sweet-Interview5620
"He can be in the room at your head, or he can't be in the room."
"His choice."
"NTA. What you're doing isn't a privilege. It's a difficult and dangerous part of life."
"If men could do it, women would gladly sign them up."
"He needs to get over his fantasy." - RRK5953
OP later offered a "final" update, and it appeared that things had taken a dramatic turn.
She thanked people on the platform for their "overwhelming outpour of love and support" and continued:
"I can't say a whole lot about these last few days."
"So much has happened that I will be processing for years to come."
"All I can say is I am safe, and I am free."
"Read into that as you will."
"My next steps are leaving this chapter of my life behind."
"I'm moving out of this city and I'm going to try starting again somewhere new."
"Somewhere beautiful where every time I look outside, it's hard to believe it's real life."
"I've always felt drawn to the mountains with all of their beauty and might."
OP finished her update by encouraging others in her situation to learn from her post.
"If you read my story, and you relate to it in anyway, or you too feel smothered, voiceless, and alone every single day locked in the house with someone who is supposed to love you, I just want you to know what I now know."
"That isn't normal."
"That isn't what life is supposed to be."
"There are people you can rely on and strangers can be your best friend."
"The cost may be steep, but the cost to stay is so much more."
"Farm this post for all of the comments and support available. "
"I pass it on to you and beg you to use what resources you can find."
While we hate that OP went through so much learning and change during an already overwhelming time in her life, we're glad to know she is safe and happy.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.