Honesty is always the best policy, especially when a wakeup call could make someone's life much better.
But there are kinder ways to send the message than others, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Background-Baby-1206 had positive communication with his wife and their circle of friends, which meant that he knew a lot about their friends' dating choices.
When one of his wife's friends complained about how hard it was to find a good relationship, the Original Poster (OP) decided to be honest with her and tell her that her choices were a big part of the problem, which did not land well with his wife's friend.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for calling my wife's friends 'dating technique' idiotic?"
The OP's wife's friend opened up about her dating troubles with their friend group.
"My (38 Male) wife (34 Female) had some of her friends over for dinner, and we are all talking about this and that."
"One of her friends (32 Female) started talking about how she can't find any good men to stick around."
"My wife and her friends were sympathetic. We kept on talking about her and her latest dates, and she started talking about her 'dating technique,' which is essentially to show as little interest as possible and to ghost guys she likes, since she wants them to fight for her."
The OP called out the friend's approach.
"I laughed and said that was just plain stupid, and that of course she would not find any good men, since only the bad ones will actually do that. Good guys who will respect you will never keep chasing if you send out the signal that you don't want them; they'll just move on."
"I am on the spectrum and can have a hard time realizing when people are upset."
"So my wife bumped me and told me to shut up. Later, after everyone left, she told me she agreed with me, but I didn't need to be so blunt about it."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some completely agreed with the OP's perspective.
"NTA. If 'yes means yes' is to be fully accepted throughout society, then this 'playing hard to get' nonsense needs to die." - HoldFastO2
"If anything, OP saved the wife's friend from a type of toxic positivity that would lead her into a lifetime of loneliness without even knowing why."
"I'm only sorry that the wife and her other friends weren't the ones calling her out. They're not very good friends, in my opinion." - ToTTen_Train
"No way are you the a**hole. Wow, what a self-sabotage that is, dooming herself to failure."
"For most decent blokes, the entire 'play hard to get' routine is a complete nope."
"No motivation to play games, just be real, be open, honest, and treat the other person how you'd like to be treated. If that's results in a nope, you've just successfully filtered a wrong-un for you."
"Have any of these crappy gender pearls of wisdom from yester-year ever worked?" - jammythesandwich
"I hate that there is an entire generation that was conditioned to this 'men should fight for women' trope. Such a horrible dynamic." - captfattymcfatfat
"NTA, that friend be dumb as a rock. Anyone with self-respect will walk away after rejection: Why chase somebody that is forthcoming about not wanting you?" - lzzdelp
"Someone has to tell her. Her 'friends' are not being sympathetic or kind. They are allowing her to fail as a human being. Her lack of emotional intelligence is so profound that perhaps she should not establish a meaningful relationship. NTA." - thequiethunter
But some felt that the OP could have been kinder or just listened to the friend talk.
"Honestly, OP is the hero who took one for the team. He got the hard advice through (and it will help the idiot friend going forward) while everybody else got to stay empathetic, and they can all just say OP is 'rude,' whatever, as if he gives a shit what they think."
"She might not take the advice (and honestly, it's very possible that her 'hard to get' story is a delusional brag, rationalizing why the good ones didn't call her back, or just rejecting them preemptively because she knows they're not interested, etc)."
"I might have put it differently. 'That's interesting. From a guy's point of view, I see it differently. If you did this to single me, I would likely have been respectful of your disinterest and your boundaries and backed off.'"
"'In the end, authenticity is very important and feigning disinterest is inauthentic, which is almost always less attractive. Some guys also might perceive feigned disinterest as deceptive or even manipulative, so even if they CAN read you well enough to see you're just playing a game, they can't know your motivation.'"
"'Players might stick around and play with you, but those aren't always the best dudes. In fact, those dudes tend to be perpetually single.… maybe there's a lesson in all this.'"
"But nothing wrong with how you said it, OP." - get_to_ele
"Many people don't want to hear solutions; they want someone to agree with them."
"My wife complains a lot about something I can do in 15 minutes on computer. When I ask her to help, she tells me she doesn't need my help; she just wants me to agree. Or she complains about the job and doesnt wanna listen to my suggestions. The same for a bunch of women I know."
"What helps me is asking if they want me to listen or if they want me to answer. If they want me to answer, they know I'm probably going to be blunt but well-intentioned. That might help you, too." - samettinho
"I have to say this has taken me a while to realise, but as a serial 'here's a solution…' person, I'm slowly appreciating that most of the time people don't want that. They want empathy and for you to listen. Having said that, I don't think OP as TA here, her 'technique' is clearly nonsense and it's doing her no favours to support it." - jilljen
"I love when someone asks, 'Do you want me to listen or do you want advice?'... because then it changes how the person is listening (me included)."
"No advice, then I'm here to really listen, to take in what's being said, the emotion and frustration surrounding it, and I can empathize with them."
"If they want advice, I can keep myself a small step back to see a bigger picture, I don't invest too much emotion, and can think of solutions and advice."
"If you want someone to just listen and they zone out, you learn that that person isn't someone you can trust/ rely on." - CiCi_Run
"I fix wagons. I slay dragons. If I can't fix it or kill it, I get lost and frustrated. So (with the help of a couple's counselor) I started seeing my response to this ongoing challenge in our marriage as a solution I can apply. The reframing of the problem was what I needed."
"If my wife hasn't specified that she wants to vent I started asking her, 'Sweetheart, do you want solutions, or do you want the ability to just vent? Because I want to support you the way you need it right now.' We also both just give each other a few minutes to be affectionate and not trauma dump the day's events right away."
"I've learned to specifically request attention for things I need to talk out as well, and that I am asking for her focus for it. If we can't give that to each other, we figure out when we can do that, if at all. If I am being neglected in that regard, I say so."
"We also compare what our capacity is for the other, which we got from something Brene Brown described. If I'm at 60 and she's at 40, she goes first. If I'm at 10 and she's at 90, she has to handle that for me. If she's always at 20, that needs addressing."
"Some will think that kind of stuff sounds clinical... But this is my boo thang. My Ride or Die. My grave buddy. I love her. For her..?"
"This is a wagon I can fix. This is a dragon I can kill. I'm in my wheelhouse." - yousaidicould
After receiving feedback, the OP was grateful and made meaningful progress.
"This blew up more than I thought it would, and I have tried to read most comments."
"Most of you said I'm NTA. But I will admit that I could have framed it better. I am on the spectrum, but I am under the firm belief that while it might explain why I would put my foot in my mouth, it does not excuse it."
"I showed this post to my wife since some of the comments made me wonder some things. First being if they never told her this themselves, since it's kind of a d**k move on their part."
"She said they have, though not as bluntly as I did. Just saying that that would never work as she thought it would. But she just keeps doing it."
The OP learned more about what might have led to his wife's friend's approach.
"Apparently, three years ago, she messed up royally during her long-term relationship of four years. They had a fight, she went out to get some drinks to cool off, and in her anger, she slept with another guy."
"I asked her if she knew if she was really drunk when it happened, since it does not excuse her actions, but it would make her more susceptible to manipulation from bad eggs. According to her friend, she was not drunk, just in an awful place mentally, and wanted to 'punish him.' She then felt extremely guilty and told him. He dumped her."
"Since then, she has had nothing but one-night stands and short-term flings from not-so-good guys. The best one lasted four months, but due to bad communication or her way of dating, he thought they were friends with benefits, and she thought they were a couple. So when she found out he was sleeping with other people, she was heartbroken."
"She is really a sweet person. Very bubbly and kind. I think she might just have some kind of trauma from her long-term ending the way it did. My wife does not know if she used this 'technique' before that relationship or if she started after."
"Anyway, I hope she stops going about it that way and finds someone good. I have told my wife to tell her I'm sorry for the way I phrased it."
The subReddit could understand the OP's confusion and concern, as well as his willingness to step in and try to help a friend in need. The problem was, if the friend wasn't in a solution-finding mood or wasn't ready to hear that feedback, the OP would just be perceived as rude and uncaring, rather than actually trying to look out for her in a way the rest of the friend group was not.
