Behavioral issues can be so difficult to live with.
They can be even more frustrating to properly diagnose.
There is a wealth of information and misinformation readily available.
For families, this can lead to considerable chaos.
Redditor throwaway17293739 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my daughter she's not autistic?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (F[eamle] 49) daughter (F 18) was a problem child when she was little."
"Her school recommended that I get her assessed for autism when she was 12, I did (although I knew she wasn't even then), the psychologist said she's not, so that's the end of that."
"For a couple of years, all was normal, but now she's started with it again."
"Casually mentioning she can't wear certain clothes or eat certain food 'because of the autism.'"
"She doesn't just throw it around as a joke, either."
"She is 100% serious."
"A couple of weeks ago, we were on vacation."
"I took my younger kids to see the Statue of Liberty, and my daughter went to the National History Museum."
"She liked it a lot, was there from opening to closing, and color-coded the map based on her favorite rooms."
"She was showing it to her brother in our hotel room, and her brother asked her, 'Are you sure you're not autistic?'"
"And I interjected and said that she's not."
"She got upset, and I told her she can't self-diagnose with everything she sees online."
"She got upset and won't talk to me now."
"I feel like I just told her the hard truth; someone had to pop her bubble."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"Diagnosing Autism is not a perfect science, and diagnosing girls has been particularly imperfect."
"I absolutely would not consider one test on a preteen girl 6 years ago definitive proof that she does not have it."
"If she recognizes it in herself, and has had teachers recognize it in her, and has had family members recognize it in her, it's absolutely possible."
"Honestly, I think YTA for being so weirdly insistent that she's not." ~ e11emnope
"She needs a reassessment."
"Neurodivergence is underdiagnosed in girls and is sometimes missed." ~ sweet_caroline20
"I wonder why she was a 'problem child?'"
"I'm sure it didn't have anything to do with her having an unsupportive, dismissive parent, though."
"You probably make her feel like she is wrong and bad all the time."
"So what if she does or doesn't have autism?"
"Maybe try listening to her for once, instead of always thinking you are right all the time." ~ Own_Intern9024
"I can attest."
"This is a reason why I don't talk to my stepfather anymore."
"Just because he's older than me, he thinks he's right about everything, no matter how much hard evidence I showed him."
"It was exhausting."
"I tapped out."
"Since a few of you can't seem to cope, I'll give you an exact example."
"The myth that wet hair makes you sick."
"Doctors did a study where they had participants knowingly get infected with the cold virus and did it in both cold and hot environments."
"The transmission rate was the same." ~ jessness024
"This. My mother treated me like an annoyance and a burden my entire life."
"This whole thing smacks of victim-blaming and a total refusal to try and genuinely understand where the daughter is coming from, and shaming her in front of others instead."
"OP sounds just like my mom, who takes sick pleasure in being mean."
"OP, this is your child."
"They have something going on, and instead of trying to understand and be supportive, you are going out of your way to be nasty about it."
"There's a reason I don't talk to my mom anymore. YTA." ~ stanthecham
"OP is TA just for stating off the bat, 'My kid was a problem child when they were little.' SMH."
"So, the assessment back then said no autism."
"Did the behaviors or issues continue?"
"Or did they magically disappear after that?"
"Did OP just pretend everything was fine and ignore clear indications that their child needed help with something?
"My 13-year-old is getting reassessed because he's moving on to high school."
"I want him to have the best possible start, and to do so, we'll take another look at his dyslexia and see what he still needs a lot of support for."
"And we're screening for autism because his initial assessor expected him to have gotten better with some things she thought might be age-related or just his personality."
"But now that he's a teenager and these things are still there, she's recommended the new assessor screen him just in case."
"They might be signs of autism, they might not be."
"But to be dismissive out of hand is not okay."
"To the OP, YTA." ~ girlfromals
"YTA, girls are notoriously misdiagnosed because of preconceived ideas of how autism looks in primarily white boys."
"It is completely possible she is autistic and was not evaluated properly." ~ Interest-Amazing
"Not to mention other diagnoses have associated sensory issues and behaviors similar to autism."
"And girls can be more difficult to diagnose with autism."
"Sounds like they did one assessment and went, 'so that's the end of that.'"
"If the school was recommending an assessment, something was going on."
"Pretty dismissive when the girl seems to have something going on, and at least feels like she's neurodivergent in some way and is seeking answers because the parent doesn't seem to want to."
"Hopefully fake rage bait, but honestly, I see it all the time in my job." ~ evilcelery
"YTA, one psychologist's opinion at age 12 many years ago is not a definitive no."
"Girls have historically been missed, and autism assessments have changed to accommodate girls' presentation of autism."
"The fact that it's been a question before means it should still be a question."
"She needs support in exploring this further, not invalidating." ~ Helen_305
"YTA. I'm not qualified to say whether or not she's autistic, but ultimately I think it's irrelevant."
"You are supposed to be her supportive, emotionally regulated role model."
"Instead, you are taking an approach that is not only dismissive but punitive."
"How does this threaten you?"
"Is there an underlying fear about what it might mean for you and your parenting if she were autistic?"
"As I say, the label is irrelevant."
"She is using it as a vehicle to communicate to you that she's struggling and wants to better understand how she fits into the world."
"You don't even have to use the word 'autism' to be curious and supportive about that."
"You could just start by spending more time with her and learning how she perceives her difficulties." Instead, you're trying to shut her down."
"What will happen next is she will stop trying with you and find someone else who makes her feel heard." ~ WeeklyPermission2397
"Agree with this."
"Also, autism is often missed in women and girls as it can present differently due to higher rates of masking, etc."
"So, one assessment years ago may not be as definitive as you think it is, OP."
"Heavily recommend getting her retested if she is convinced she is autistic, using a professional with experience on autism in women and girls."
"Even if autism is not the correct diagnosis, she sounds like she is struggling and would benefit from some help." ~ ShepardMagnus
"YTA - the parent questionnaire has a huge influence on whether a child is diagnosed with autism or not."
"You clearly have your head buried in a sandbox somewhere - so - chances are that your disbelief and insistence 'nothing is wrong with my child' combined with the fact that they've determined that autism presents much differently in females played a huge role in the outcome."
"Stop being dismissive and mean." ~ Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
"YTA. This feels more like you don't want your kid to be autistic, so you wouldn't accept that as a possible option."
"Maybe her evaluation at 12 did not determine that she is, but that doesn't necessarily mean she is not."
"Maybe it isn't 'you are not autistic', but rather 'you have not been diagnosed with anything.'"
"Also, there are other things that can contribute to certain behaviors and quirks that are not autism."
"She's 18."
"She's an adult and can get herself assessed again if she feels she wants answers, but you should stay out of it when someone else inquires." ~ BoobySlap_0506
"YTA. If the school recommended testing, then they obviously saw some signs."
"One evaluation, once, doesn't mean she isn't autistic."
"Was the psychologist even trained in autism diagnosis?"
"You should support her to get another assessment."
"If the second assessment says she's not autistic, then ok."
"But autism is often underdiagnosed in girls." ~ Okdoey
"YTA. Girls are historically misdiagnosed/undiagnosed when it comes to autism."
"Not saying she is or isn't, but you are her mother, and you are going out of your way to undermine her feelings and experiences for what?"
"To be right?"
"Hopefully, she can get the support she needs." ~ studentnurse133333
"YTA, but only because you're seeing this as a black/white thing."
"Autism in women/girls is severely underdiagnosed - even with testing."
"Even if she's NOT autistic - she's clearly crying out to be seen or stand out, so she might have something else going on."
"She also may just be trying to get your attention because she feels like she's not being heard."
"Judging from how you handled this - I'm going to go with that last part." ~ PrincessBuzzkill
"Yeah, no, sorry, YTA, there is no female profile still for autism, and less than 4 out of 10 girls on the spectrum get diagnosed."
"You are misguided, misinformed, and a bit of an ar*e."
"I wouldn't talk to you either." ~ angelskiesblue
Reddit is not pleased with you, OP.
Whether or not your "diagnosis" was right or wrong is superfluous.
There are better ways to handle situations like this.
A little finesse and care go a long way.
It may be time for some serious family counselling.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp