While navigating the dating pool can be tough, we can all agree that it’s supposed to be fun, and we generally will put our best foot forward to get the most out of the experience.
But we’re all human, and sometimes we’ll not be feeling our best and will decide to go on the date anyway.
How the person we’re dating responds to that can tell a lot about that person, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor lizofPalaven had gone on two dates with a guy and felt fine about the guy but wasn’t exactly swept off her feet, either.
So when he reached out to her, critiquing how she’d shown up on their dates, the Original Poster (OP) was perturbed that he expected her to bring her “A-Game” when he clearly hadn’t, either.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for being angry because I was told by a man that I should have worn makeup on our date?”
The OP felt perplexed over a conversation she had with a past date.
“We went on two dates off Bumble (we are both in our early 30s), and the conversation was okay, but I didn’t feel any sparks.”
“I thought I’d give it one more chance and accepted the second date, but as soon as he showed up, I knew there was zero attraction on my side.”
“My body language and everything were indicating that, too. I stayed through the movie at the cinema but hurried home as soon as it was finished, and I declined his offer to drop me off at home.”
“A couple of weeks later, he hit me up with these messages.”
“I got quite upset, even though I kept my cool in the convo.”
You can read the text message exchange here:
The OP’s previous date (in gray) reached out with a long message and a not-so-“little” question.
“Hiii, I have a little question for you.”
“We did not write [to] each other anymore.”
“On my side, 100% transparency: it’s because I was seeing a difference in the care you bring on your photos/stories vs. the two times we saw each other.”
“I felt you did not put the same amount of effort. For me, it’s something important.”
The OP (in blue and purple) was honest.
“I appreciate you asking a direct and honest question, and I’ll try to give you [the] same response.”
“To be honest, yeah, I was being a bit reserved, because I didn’t feel the spark.”
“I did honestly enjoy talking to you and spending time with you, and I wanted to see you again after the first date to see if something could be there, but it wasn’t.”
“It’s nothing against you, but I feel like we’re all drawn to certain vibes and energy, and it’s not always easy to articulate in words.”
“I’m sorry if it’s disappointing for you.”
The date showed signs of deflecting.
“Interesting.”
“With what you’re saying, it’s potentially as simple as, I felt not enough care physically from you, [so] I then did not put as much energy or vibe [into] our dates.”
“I work like this, can’t really control it; it’s instinctive, so you then didn’t find the vibe and energy you were looking for.”
The OP was curious about what the date meant about her photos and stories.
“To be honest, I don’t fully understand what you mean about care in my stories.”
“Can you explain that more? Maybe it’ll help me understand.”
The date explained.
“Yes, it’s like you are more bringing your A-game: nice makeup, nice clothes, hair care, etc.”
“In the recent story I liked and the story of your party yesterday (funnily enough, I wasn’t far!), I feel you put more effort in vs. when you came to see me.”
“I might be wrong. That’s something important for me.”
The OP explained her side of the story.
“I wasn’t feeling physically good those days because I’d been sick, so I wasn’t in the mood for makeup, etc.”
“Plus, I had sleeping problems, so I wasn’t at my best look.”
Then the OP challenged her date.
“But I mean, can you say you put your full best effort, too?”
The date was insistent.
“I feel I did, yes.”
“I may not bring my best clothes those two times, but I still came well-prepared in my opinion.”
The OP was honest.
“I just don’t really know what to say to that at the moment.”
The date invited the OP to be blunt.
“Feel free to say really what you felt. I was really transparent myself, so you can be 100%.”
The OP was honest.
“It was a matter of how I was feeling at different times, not about effort or care.”
“And to be fully honest, based on how you were dressed, too, I was like, ‘Okay, we are very okay with being super casual on dates,’ and I didn’t feel the pressure to dress up for the movie date and just came to be comfortable, which was what was more important to me in that moment.”
“Recently, I have been feeling better since my sleep and other things have regulated, hence posting more stories of me.”
“I didn’t post many of myself during the period we saw each other. I don’t know if you noticed that.”
The date accepted it.
“Clear. I understand better. Thanks for taking the time to explain.”
“Would you find this rude, too?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some quipped to the OP, questioning if her date had also brought his “A-game.”
“‘Did you bring your A-Game too?'”
“‘I feel like I did, so I should get credit for it, but I didn’t actually.'”
“‘Hmm.'”
“Girl, you had the right response. He doesn’t even know what he’s saying. NOR.” – ThroughTheDork
“I loved it, because she was way too nice about it, and he was oblivious, but we’re all here thinking, ‘Oh, so he looked like absolute GARBAGE!'” – Riproot
“‘A-Game’?”
“No. I would’ve been like, ‘I will be bringing my authentic self because that’s who a partner would be getting. I’m not showing up to a job interview or a sports match.'”
“Glad that was my mentality when I was dating. I’ve been with the same man for ten years, and I think it’s because we didn’t mask from the beginning.” – glitter-b0mb
“When dating, I went for a very minimal makeup look on date one, and if we made it to a third date, it was zero makeup (usually for hiking or something outdoorsy).”
“If he doesn’t like my natural face, it won’t work!”
“I’ve been with my partner for six years now, and he tells me I’m beautiful with my bare, fresh-out-of-bed face… and he also goes, ‘WOW,’ when I glam up.”
“This guy is a weirdo, and if he expects a woman to go all out to get ready for a date, then he d**n well better show up in a suit and tie himself.” – itzcoatl82
“NOR. The same dudes who think you need to be wearing a full beat will show up in cargo shorts, and think they tried.” – Both-Condition2553
Others appreciated seeing the OP put a man like him in his place.
“This dude was so hung up on you not wearing makeup that he felt the need to bring it up two entire weeks later. That is… really something. I’m glad you dropped his oblivious butt.” – goatbusiness666
“He’s just doing a roundabout, ‘You were hotter on Instagram; why is that?’ and framing it as communication.”
“I also love that OP didn’t ask for more details on him explaining what was sooo disappointing for him, but he provided some, anyway. I think he wanted a third date and was disappointed, and now is trying to neg his way into seeing her again.”
“I’m getting the sense that he was like, ‘Wow, this schlub of a girl is gonna be so easy, I bet she doesn’t get a lot of attention, and I can take advantage of her for a bit,’ and then he was all surprised Pikachu when the woman he deemed below his league wasn’t interested at all.” – blueivysbabyhairs
“I don’t even think OP was below his league. His negging efforts were intended to take her down a peg or two. It’s also the reason he expressed his disappointment that she didn’t wear make-up while admitting he was dressed like a schlub. This is what OP is likely feeling enraged by since she clearly didn’t feel any spark with him.”
“He is intentionally trying to diminish her to protect his own fragile ego and in hopes of getting a third date that would give him the upper hand he’s looking for. OP has handled this well, and there is no need for her to have any further contact with him. Nothing good will come of it.”
“He’s a game player looking to manipulate the situation for his benefit. Block him and move on, OP. His actions have already let you know that he’s a waste of time.” – NeatNefariousness1
“He’s been stewing on the date not going well for weeks and still obsessively following her socials.”
“His messages are creepy, and he’s been trying to rewrite the narrative in his head that he dumped her because her effort rather than accepting she wasn’t into him/ they just weren’t compatible.”
“What he wants is for her to feel bad and like she was the problem, and I’m so glad she didn’t give him the satisfaction of feeling that way. NOR.” – Lurkeyturkey113
“NOR. I didn’t even get through the whole thing. In his second or third text, he literally seems to be implying that if there wasn’t a spark on her end, it’s because she wasn’t being physical enough, and so as a result, he didn’t put much energy into the date.”
“Which to me is basically saying, ‘if we didn’t connect, it’s because you didn’t put out, so I lost interest,’ which is f**ked.”
“Even if you want to take the more charitable view that he is talking about her makeup in the first comments and is not complaining about the lack of intimacy, the rest of it is f**ked anyway.”
“As a man, I have never understood policing what women wear or their makeup, hair, clothes, whatever. If someone’s style isn’t for me, I can move on. But to sit there and critique someone’s appearance, even if it’s things they can change, is just completely self-serving and disrespectful.”
“For example, I LOVE when my girlfriend doesn’t wear makeup. I think she is so radiant and naturally beautiful. When we go out, and she gets all done up, it’s clearly because it makes her happy, and I would never tell her to not do that, even if it’s not my preference.”
“Even if she directly, point-blank asked me, ‘do you like it when I wear makeup?’ I would say yes without hesitation and wouldn’t even consider it a lie because I love it when she’s confident and happy, and wearing makeup does that for her.” – MovieTrawler
Not all dates are going to work out and lead to something greater, and that’s fine, but the best thing to do is to look back on the good moments, if there were any, and learn from the negative ones.
In this particular case, the best thing the OP could do was remain confident in herself and her ability to show her true self to the people around her, and to otherwise understnad that there will always be people who would rather delegate blame rather than accept responsibility.