Talking about deceased loved ones can be very healing.
Discussing love and loss is a beautiful thing.
But not everyone feels this way.
Some people want to move on and forget.
This doesn't always go over well.
Redditor Asear2 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for bringing my dead father up in front of my mother's new husband?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm so upset, and I do not know if I'm in the wrong."
"I'm 27 F[emale]."
"My father passed away from cancer back in 2018, when I was 20."
"Last weekend, my mother remarried."
"I get along well enough with her new husband; he's a cool guy in general, and treats me and my mother well."
"He also has a 13-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, as he's been married and divorced his ex."
"They have a 50/50 custody split of their daughter."
"During the wedding on Saturday, everyone had a great time; I even shed tears of joy for my mom."
"But Sunday, something shifted."
"My cousin asked if I am going to call my mom's new husband dad."
"I said no."
"I already had a dad and was a fully grown woman by the time he came into my mother's life."
"After that comment, my mother and her sister pulled me aside, and started yelling at me to stop bringing up my father in front of her new husband because... he's jealous?"
"Of a dead man?"
"His ex is alive and they see each other every other weekend to pass the kid, but he's jealous of a dead man?"
"I basically told them to get off me."
"That I do not do it deliberately, but my father had been my father for 20 years, and naturally, I bring him up sometimes in passing."
"Especially to my younger cousin, who was only 7 when my dad passed away and barely remembers him."
"My aunt went into a whole tangent about how my dad was important to me but is not important to anybody else anymore, and I should let go and move on instead of talking about him because everyone has."
"That, in turn, made me cry, and I didn't speak to either of them for the rest of the day."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for bringing up my dad sometimes? Is it reasonable for my mother's husband to be jealous of a literal corpse?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. This is straight-up despicable behavior from your mother and aunt."
"No one gets to tell you to stop talking about your father, ever."
"Are you sure this is actually coming from the new husband?"
"Or is it just coming from your mother?"
"Regardless, it's disgusting to try to make you shut up, and even more so to say no one cares about your father."
"If your mother ever loved your father, she'd never allow that to be said."
"I wouldn't be able to look my mother in the eye again if I were in your position." ~ imamage_fightme
"Now, see, I would take this as having that fun banter with my new stepdad and accepting him."
"NTA... and maybe sit down and have a chat with your mother and stepdad and clear the air, cos there's probably not actually an issue there, so don't let your aunt make one." ~ curious_2_curiouser
"I had five kids with my first husband."
"We were together 30 years before he died in 2017."
"My partner and I have been together for the last 5 years."
"Not one of my kids calls him Dad, nor should they ever be expected to."
"He is paternal with them and treats them with great respect."
"We tell stories about my late husband and even have a picture of him on the fridge for the youngest grandchild, who didn't get to meet him."
"Your mom's new husband is an insecure d*ck in competition with a ghost."
"The apologists need to work through their issues."
"This is a them problem, and you are 100% NTA." ~ HippyGramma
"You are still grieving for your father."
"That day triggered you, and it was only natural for that to happen when you are witnessing the surviving spouse (your mom) re-marrying a new partner that is now a part of your family."
"Your aunt was out of line and cruel beyond words."
"You need to speak to her when she's sober and tell her exactly what she said to you and remind her that you are disappointed and extremely hurt that she can be so cruel."
"And then decide if you need to cut her off for some time or a very long time, and if there's any chance you can forgive her (only if she sincerely apologized and is aware of how horrible the things she said were, and ofc however you feel about it)."
"Grief has no timeline."
"It's always there underneath the surface. "
"Yes, it does get a little easier with time, but when it's the loss of a parent or close loved one, even if 10 years or more have gone by, you can still become emotional, and that's normal."
"NTA - your aunt certainly is the AH and your mom."
"I'm not clear if she was siding or even listening carefully to what your aunt said."
"It also makes me wonder if your aunt just never liked or got along with your dad."
"Either way, it was horrible, and I'm really sorry for your loss and sorry she said those things to you."
"I sincerely hope she will realize the damage she has caused to your relationship with her." ~ EconomyFalcon1170
"NTA. He doesn't have to fill your dad's shoes."
"It's not a competition."
"He is his own person."
"He is not your dad."
"You will have a different relationship with him."
"Your mom's marriage to him will be different than her marriage to your dad."
"This is all good."
"And of course, you do not have to pretend your dad never existed."
"That's f**ked up."
"My dad died in 2017, and my mom just moved in with her new beau."
"We all talk openly about his deceased wife and our dad because they were part of our lives."
"It's healthy." ~ wtafftw
"NTA - Your mother's new husband (who obviously never was a dad to you and never will be as you are a grown woman) must have quite a low self-esteem, to feel threatened by a man who died 8 years ago."
"I suppose he or his kid sometimes brings up his divorced wife?"
"After all, she is his kid's mother.'
"Maybe he should stop mentioning her too... see?"
"That would be ridiculous, right?"
"But that's what mom and family want you to do about a deceased parent!"
"I don't know what mom and aunt are drinking, but they should stop taking it."
"They are wrong in their heads." ~ Top-Spite-1288
"NTA. I talk about my belated Mom TO my stepmom."
"My stepmom hangs a pic of my Mom on her wall."
"Know why?"
"Because her husband, my Dad, was married to her for 40 years when she passed away."
"She was important to us."
"Therefore, she's important to her as well." ~ cinnamongirl73
"NTA. You did absolutely nothing wrong."
"If you're 28, your mother must be at least 45 and is probably in her fifties."
"I.e., she should be far too mature to be insecure about the new man in her life."
"Let's be clear."
"Your father existed."
"He is no threat to your mother's new relationship (!)."
"It is absolutely shocking that they told you not to mention him."
"You are 100% the normal one in this situation."
"I wish I could provide a link, but I have to run to an appointment... Google 'Dear Prudence, Emily Yoffe' and maybe terms like 'photo, 'first wife.'"
"Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist who writes for Slate magazine."
"She wrote a column about this exact issue a few years ago that really stood out to me for its graciousness."
"She has since written about it a few other times, so I hope the columns will be easy to find."
"Emily Yoffe is the second wife of a widower."
"She admits to having felt a little jealousy at first, but quickly came to her senses and started being OK with hearing the first wife talked about and her memory respected."
"Because your mother and her sister are being so immature about this, and they're probably your closest family members."
"I think you should check in with Emily Yoffe's columns because they may help you to organize your thoughts and realize your expectation to remember your father to other family members is totally normal and healthy."
"Good luck." ~ No-Potential-7242
"NTA - Did your mom marry that man with the understanding that he would be YOUR DAD and you would never mention your dad?"
"I hope you don't live there and live on your own."
"You should ask Mom for the pictures before they are destroyed." ~ Sad-Country-9873
"NTA. You are surrounded by strange people."
"You were asked a question, you answered."
"It's not like you brought up your dad during a wedding toast."
"Why are all those people so intent on erasing him??" ~ cassowary32
"NTA, are you sure this is what your Mom's husband feels, or have you only heard this from your mom and aunt?"
"Maybe talk to him and figure out if these are his actual feelings or if your mom and aunt are projecting."
"And don't stop talking about your dad unless it makes you unsafe." ~ MizzDust
"NTA by far!"
"You're never going to replace your dad, so don't bother listening to them!"
"I honestly hate the audacity stepparents have, believing they can just replace the parents of children regardless of whether they remember them or they are still ALIVE, for that matter!"
"Cut them off!"
"You're a grown woman who doesn't need that kind of toxicity!"
"Your father's memory is inside you, as long as you continue to love and remember him, he'll always be alive in your heart." ~ sithmaster297
"NTA. Your stepfather needs counseling if he is that jealous of a dead man." ~ CallingThatBS
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your Dad was YOUR dad.
How dare people try to quiet you.
You may need to have a serious conversation about your grief and love for your Dad.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp