Balancing a household is not always as easy as an adult task.
There are so many variables to juggle.
Money, kids, chores, freedom, expectations... the list is endless.
That's why it can be frustrating when one partner seems to be making decisions that impede a more peaceful process.
Redditor GlassFalcon1249 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA. Wife turned down a dream job with a better schedule and higher salary?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Background information. I am (30 M[ale]) a teacher (Currently in Graduate school to pursue being a principal)."
"My wife (29 F[emale]) is a P[hysical] T[herapist]."
"We have two kids aged 3.5 and 2."
"Both were adopted."
"Wife currently works at a non-profit as a PT."
"Last August, she turned down a PT job at a local school district that would have paid her 30% more than she currently brings home, currently brings home 65k, could've made 85k."
"Her current job gives two weeks' vacation and covers part of her insurance premium."
"They do not offer any retirement matching."
"She currently works 40 hrs a week, Monday-Friday, on Fridays she works as a pediatric PT as a 1099 employee, and claims to enjoy it."
"The school job would've covered her entire health insurance premium monthly and also offered a pension plan."
"The school jobs schedule would have been 8:30 am-3 pm Monday-Thursday."
"With holiday breaks and summers off, just like a teacher's schedule."
"She would have had all of the same breaks that I do as a teacher. I currently work at the same district where the job was."
"Before everyone attacks me, I am very familiar with how this job is."
"Her best friend wound up taking the position after she declined."
"I see her friend at my building sometimes rolling in close to 9 AM to start the day."
"I do realize that most of the patients she would see are on an I[ndividualized] E[ducational] P[lan]"
"But considering she sees patients now that are also difficult, I am just super puzzled about the decision."
"One last thing, I have also gotten a weird feeling about her infatuation with her boss at her current job."
"He is married and has kids, seems like a nice guy."
"I've never thought he seemed flirty towards her when I've been around, but she does seem to hold him in such high esteem, almost in a strange way."
"He is about 10-12 years older than both of us."
"Long story short, she turned down that job because she claimed she wouldn't enjoy that type of environment for doing PT work."
"Here's the part I really struggle with: My wife is constantly stressed about working and juggling two kids, and we are getting close to being financially able for her to work part-time."
"However, she is constantly negative and very critical of me and others."
"We have to walk on eggshells around her."
"Any time we have an argument about chores or other household duties, she immediately attacks me with 'you have more time off, so you should do them all.'"
"I agree, I do have more time off."
"I enjoy a schedule that allows me to be with my family more."
"I was previously in sales, working weekends sometimes until 10 pm, often before having kids."
"I probably do about 95% of the dishes and cleaning and 70% of the laundry."
"I also do our finances and grocery store runs."
"I pick up the kids from daycare and drop them off frequently."
"Any time we get into an argument, I really have to bite my tongue about her complaining about not having any free time, when she turned down that job, in my mind, she forfeited the right to complain about not having free time."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NAH. This is probably more complicated than how you describe it."
"Your wife may have undergone extensive schooling for her occupation and have genuine concerns or reasons for not wanting that job."
"I think there could be other solutions in her life for her stress level."
"You two should talk about it and approach solutions as a team."
"You saying 'I told you so' is not really going to help." ~ HotAndShrimpy
"Though she is being grossly underpaid."
"PTs usually earn at least 75K starting out, but depending on job and location, up to 100K, and that's as a new grad."
"She's earning far below that and sounds a lot more experienced than a new grad."
"She is being taken advantage of and should either ask to be paid her worth or move on." ~ awesomeXI
"Just because it was a dream job in your mind doesn't mean it was a dream job for her."
"It may have been more stress on her or a million different other things."
"Yes, it could have given her more free time, but at the price of other things."
"Maybe you both need to sit down and talk instead of arguing back and forth and wanting to throw things in each other's faces." ~ AellaReeves
"This right here, something people are forgetting."
"Sometimes you have to think about what is going to be best for the family."
"This job was going to be worth more money and give her more flexible times."
"It isn't her husband's job to work full time and do the lion's share of looking after the kids and then walk around on eggshells because her current job leaves her in this state."
"If the genders were reversed, I'd hazard a guess that people would be saying things differently." ~ Puzzled_Moment1203
"Okay, this is quite a significant development."
"I'm not sure that an AITA is going to be helpful."
"For what it matters, you are not an AH, but you do have a sizeable problem, and it's the kind of problem that can lead to significant resentment. NTA." ~ Something-bothersome
"I don't see why you should bite your tongue."
"If she gets to complain, then you also get to complain."
"Put this subject on the table and discuss it, and complain about it."
"It sounds like you're already building some resentment due to her choice to work longer for less money."
"Don't let it fester."
"Would she have let you turn down that opportunity? NTA." ~ Aggressive_Cup8452
"NAH. She can decide what job she enjoys."
"Sometimes we take a job that pays less, but is still comfortable and more fulfilling."
"That is okay. It sounds like it's your dream of her job, but not her dream job that she turned down."
"The bigger issue is that you are doing the bulk of tasks at home, and it sounds like you are feeling somewhat resentful, and she's feeling burned out."
"You need a bigger conversation."
"You both have a right to complain."
"Choosing one job over another doesn't mean you don't get to complain."
"But sometimes, complaining doesn't fix anything."
"In this case, you need to work together to figure out what each of you needs to make this family work." ~ gossamersilk
"NAH. I think it's fair for her not to want to drastically change work environments."
"But the communication and stress that you describe isn't sustainable, and this post reeks of resentment."
"You need to talk with each other." ~ iilinga
"NTA. She made her bed, and now she has to lie in it."
"Don't bite your tongue; tell her in no uncertain terms that the position she is currently in is entirely her fault, and she should not complain when you absolutely fulfill practically all of the household duties and more."
"40 hours a week is standard."
"She has the same amount of free time as most Americans, if not more, AND she barely has to do any chores or finances."
"Ask her what she plans to do to meet her goals and fix the things she complains about, and why she feels these are even issues in the first place." ~ CallMeCr0w
"NTA. Your wife is the AH."
"Her not taking this job is putting herself before the well-being of her family."
"If she really didn't like the job, she could always change it in the future, but giving up an opportunity that will make everyone in your family's lives easier is insane and selfish." ~ Cool_Prior1427
There are some Redditors who felt differently...
"There are obviously more issues here, but about the job specifically, you are YTA."
"Let's say you got a job offer for better pay and hours, but it is teaching at a technical college, and you teach elementary school, and you want to continue teaching elementary school."
"So you turned that job down."
"Would that mean that you have completely forfeited the right to complain about bad days at work at your current job, or feeling stress and pressure about work and family life, etc.?"
"That would be ridiculous for you to be held to that standard, and it is ridiculous for you to hold anyone else to that standard."
"The other stuff about splitting the home responsibilities or feeling like you are walking on eggshells around her, there are other things going on that you guys need to have discussions about, but strictly on whether or not she's allowed to complain about her job, you are in the wrong there." ~ Cicity545
"YTA. Jobs at school districts are horrible these days."
"You're telling her it's her dream job, but it clearly isn't, or she would have taken it."
"Are you her partner or her owner?"
"I'm not saying you should let other issues go."
"They deserve to be dealt with."
"But if you can't respect her decision, maybe you need to think about the relationship." ~ wishlist
"YTA. Have you considered she might not want to work for the same 'company' as you?"
"She might be saving your marriage!" ~ NotAUnicorn-ANarwhal
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
Your wife made a choice that seems to be causing more stress than necessary, especially for her.
It may be time for a calm and serious chat.
This is about what affects all of you.
Good Luck.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.