The key to sustaining a good relationship with one’s roommate is finding a living situation which makes everyone happy.
This could mean dividing up cleaning duties in an equitable fashion, scheduling who has priority for the bathroom and/or kitchen at certain times, or keeping noise to a minimum after a certain hour.
Then there’s the issue of roommates bringing over their significant others.
Redditor throwawaymadneighbor came up with an arrangement so that his roommate’s girlfriend could move in with them, which seemed to please all parties involved.
But when his own girlfriend recently paid a visit, their arrangement proved to be much more of a problem.
Reflecting upon how he handled things, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not letting my girlfriend sleep with me in my bed?”
The OP first shared that he, his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend have a sleeping arrangement which others might find unusual.
“I (22 M[ale]) share an apartment with my best friend, Mike (22 M), and Mike’s girlfriend, Daisy (23 F[emale]).’
“We only have two bedrooms.”
‘Daisy is a heavier lady (she prefers the term ‘big boned’).”
“She also has sleep apnea.”
“For these reasons, Daisy has her own bedroom.”
“Mike and I share the other bedroom.”
While the OP’s girlfriend didn’t initially have a problem with this arrangement, she had second thoughts after a recent visit, in which she hoped she might spend the night.
“I have been dating my girlfriend, Shandy (2 5F), for four months now.”
“She was over at our place watching a movie with us last night and decided to spend the night.”
“Shandy knows about our sleeping arrangements and doesn’t have a problem with it, but she assumed that she’d sleep in my bed with me when she stayed over.”
“I don’t blame her for assuming this because this is the first time she’s spent the night, but there’s only space for one double bed in me and Mike’s bedroom and he and I share it together.”
“Mike has a bad back and is too tall to sleep on the couch in our living room, and it would be rude of me to ask him to give up his part of the bed for my guest.”
“I’d sleep on the couch and let Shandy take my part of the bed, but I didn’t think Mike would be comfortable with that, so I didn’t offer to.”
“I told Shandy that she could sleep on the couch and I’d bring her a pillow and blankets.”
“She asked if she could just sleep with me, and I explained to her why she couldn’t.”
“Shandy seemed fine with this, and we all went to bed normally.”
“However, she left quickly this morning, and, when I called and asked if everything was alright, she said she was a little disappointed we couldn’t sleep together and was upset that I ‘chose Mike’ over her.”
“This made me feel bad because my intention was never to upset her, so I’m wondering if I’m the AH for not finding a way to allow Shandy to sleep with me.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was the a**hole for how he handled the situation.
Just about everyone felt that the OP needed to find an alternative to this sleeping arrangement if he wanted his relationship with Shandy, or any possible future relationship, to succeed.
“Dude, if you plan on seriously dating – with people who might reasonably expect sex or at least sleep-cuddling to be an option in the future – then you need a different living arrangement.”
“Three rooms for three people.”
“YTA for wasting Shandy’s time.”- ParsimoniousSalad.
“And I don’t know how you don’t see the larger issue here.”
“You think any girlfriend will be okay with this?”
“Daisy and her boyfriend need to figure this out.”- PepperJazzlike371.
“YTA Mike and his GF can fit 2 single beds in their room.”
“How are any of you having ‘intimate’ time with your partners?”
“How long is this arrangement going to last?”
“This is beyond absurd.”- Agitated_Cheek4890.
“Take those quotes away because you literally did chose Mike over her.”
“You’ve set yourself up in a living situation that makes a sleepover with your girlfriend impossible without being an AH about it.”
“This isn’t normal and it’s kind of depressing that you’ve settled into this living arrangement.”
“Why are you okay to just give up your room and privacy for your friend and his girlfriend?”
“That’s their problem not yours, tell him to move back in with his girlfriend.”
“They can figure out what to do for her sleep apnea or whatever else her issue is.”
“You are an adult and should not be such a pushover, unless you like being single then by all means continue.”
“It doesn’t matter if you guys are not having sex, a grown adult who is paying rent for his room should have his own room.”
“YTA for not prioritizing yourself.”-smalways.
“YTA for not making it clear to Shandy earlier that if she slept over, she’d be getting the couch.”
“What is the point of her sleeping over if she’s not even able to share a bed with you?”
‘She might as well have just gone home and slept in her bed.”- GlassSandwich9315.
“Ohhhh yeah bro.”
“That’s a WERID ass living arrangement Sorry bro.”
“It’s a no from me dawg.”- FlorDeLunaa.
“This isn’t sustainable.”
“You shouldn’t have your girlfriend sleep over if she can’t share the bed with you.”- stallion8426.
“Did you grow up in a group living situation? “
‘I only ask because your sleeping arrangements are, uh, how to put this gently, f*cking weird.”
“I understand sharing a room but sharing a bed is unconventional at best.”
“Next time I think you had Mike just need to make a Shandy sandwich, but please observe the load code of the road.”- qluder.
“I can’t take this post seriously.”
“Is this a joke?’
“There’s no way you’re happily sharing a twin bed with another man in an apartment.”
“If this isn’t a joke, your girlfriend is probably using the ‘you chose Mike’ line to put distance between you because she didn’t realize you share a bed with another grown man.”
“I would be thoroughly freaked out if I found out this information and would probably make up an excuse as to why the relationship can’t continue.”-debitum-naturae.
“Why even have her over then if she can’t sleep with you?’
“This is so strange.”
“Why do you have to share the bed with your room mate because of his girlfriends condition?”
“That should be something him and her need to figure out, and not inconvenience you over it.”
‘How is the rent split?’
“If I had to share a bedroom with my room mate over this I’d make sure the rent is split accordingly; otherwise you’re being taken advantage of.’
“Why you normalized this arrangement is beyond me, and your girlfriend probably won’t put up with it very long; I wouldn’t at least.”
“You are NTA here, it’s your space and living situation so she can’t really have a say, but she also doesn’t have to put up with sleeping on the couch, in her boyfriend’s apartment while he sleeps soundly with his room mate.”
“Should have just told her to go home, what’s the point of her sleeping over?”- Reasonable-Inside-25.
“Wait you intentionally share a bed with your room mate?”
“And not even as a one off?”
“I mean I kinda get why but NGL this whole dynamic is weird to day the least.”
“I can see why Shandy is put off tbh.”
“How are you 2 ever going to have a long term relationship that’s intimate if she can never sleep next to you at your place?”-Saysaywhat91.
“YTA this is absolutely weird AF.”- tialaila.
“Honestly, this living situation doesn’t sound feasible.”
“Realistically how long can you live with your roommate in your bed?”
“It’ll absolutely wear on your relationship.”
“Ultimately Mike and Daisy should be figuring out a way for them to both sleep in the same room, has she been to the doctor about her sleep apnea?”
“My bf snores like crazy and has sleep apnea and it took us some time but we found some noise cancelling headphones so can now sleep in the same room.”
“Also, when do you and your GF get any private alone time?”
‘It’s definitely something I think you need to bring up with Daisy and Mike.”
“I’m assuming you’re paying the rent for your room, so technically you can dictate who uses it.”
“I know it’s an awkward one but even if you didn’t have a GF, you’re still having to share your bed with your flatmate because his girlfriend has a medical issue.”
“Try and have a mature convo with them about it.”
It’s nice that the OP and his roommate have such a good relationship that they feel comfortable sharing a bed.
But for him to have any relationships which are more than platonic, this arrangement is clearly going to be a problem.