The key to sustaining a good relationship with one's roommate is finding a living situation which makes everyone happy.
This could mean dividing up cleaning duties in an equitable fashion, scheduling who has priority for the bathroom and/or kitchen at certain times, or keeping noise to a minimum after a certain hour.
Then there's the issue of roommates bringing over their significant others.
Redditor throwawaymadneighbor came up with an arrangement so that his roommate's girlfriend could move in with them, which seemed to please all parties involved.
But when his own girlfriend recently paid a visit, their arrangement proved to be much more of a problem.
Reflecting upon how he handled things, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my girlfriend sleep with me in my bed?"
The OP first shared that he, his roommate and his roommate's girlfriend have a sleeping arrangement which others might find unusual.
"I (22 M[ale]) share an apartment with my best friend, Mike (22 M), and Mike's girlfriend, Daisy (23 F[emale]).'
"We only have two bedrooms."
'Daisy is a heavier lady (she prefers the term 'big boned')."
"She also has sleep apnea."
"For these reasons, Daisy has her own bedroom."
"Mike and I share the other bedroom."
While the OP's girlfriend didn't initially have a problem with this arrangement, she had second thoughts after a recent visit, in which she hoped she might spend the night.
"I have been dating my girlfriend, Shandy (2 5F), for four months now."
"She was over at our place watching a movie with us last night and decided to spend the night."
"Shandy knows about our sleeping arrangements and doesn't have a problem with it, but she assumed that she'd sleep in my bed with me when she stayed over."
"I don't blame her for assuming this because this is the first time she's spent the night, but there's only space for one double bed in me and Mike's bedroom and he and I share it together."
"Mike has a bad back and is too tall to sleep on the couch in our living room, and it would be rude of me to ask him to give up his part of the bed for my guest."
"I'd sleep on the couch and let Shandy take my part of the bed, but I didn't think Mike would be comfortable with that, so I didn't offer to."
"I told Shandy that she could sleep on the couch and I'd bring her a pillow and blankets."
"She asked if she could just sleep with me, and I explained to her why she couldn't."
"Shandy seemed fine with this, and we all went to bed normally."
"However, she left quickly this morning, and, when I called and asked if everything was alright, she said she was a little disappointed we couldn't sleep together and was upset that I 'chose Mike' over her."
"This made me feel bad because my intention was never to upset her, so I'm wondering if I'm the AH for not finding a way to allow Shandy to sleep with me."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was the a**hole for how he handled the situation.
Just about everyone felt that the OP needed to find an alternative to this sleeping arrangement if he wanted his relationship with Shandy, or any possible future relationship, to succeed.
"Dude, if you plan on seriously dating - with people who might reasonably expect sex or at least sleep-cuddling to be an option in the future - then you need a different living arrangement."
"Three rooms for three people."
"YTA for wasting Shandy's time."- ParsimoniousSalad.
"YTA."
"And I don't know how you don't see the larger issue here."
"You think any girlfriend will be okay with this?"
"No dude."
"Daisy and her boyfriend need to figure this out."- PepperJazzlike371.
"YTA Mike and his GF can fit 2 single beds in their room."
"How are any of you having 'intimate' time with your partners?"
"How long is this arrangement going to last?"
"This is beyond absurd."- Agitated_Cheek4890.
"Take those quotes away because you literally did chose Mike over her."
"You've set yourself up in a living situation that makes a sleepover with your girlfriend impossible without being an AH about it."
"YTA."- stannenb.
"This isn't normal and it's kind of depressing that you've settled into this living arrangement."
"Why are you okay to just give up your room and privacy for your friend and his girlfriend?"
"That's their problem not yours, tell him to move back in with his girlfriend."
"They can figure out what to do for her sleep apnea or whatever else her issue is."
"You are an adult and should not be such a pushover, unless you like being single then by all means continue."
"It doesn't matter if you guys are not having sex, a grown adult who is paying rent for his room should have his own room."
"YTA for not prioritizing yourself."-smalways.
"YTA for not making it clear to Shandy earlier that if she slept over, she'd be getting the couch."
"What is the point of her sleeping over if she's not even able to share a bed with you?"
'She might as well have just gone home and slept in her bed."- GlassSandwich9315.
"Ohhhh yeah bro."
'YTA."
"That's a WERID ass living arrangement Sorry bro."
"It's a no from me dawg."- FlorDeLunaa.
'YTA."
"This isn't sustainable."
"You shouldn't have your girlfriend sleep over if she can't share the bed with you."- stallion8426.
"YTA."
"Did you grow up in a group living situation? "
'I only ask because your sleeping arrangements are, uh, how to put this gently, f*cking weird."
"I understand sharing a room but sharing a bed is unconventional at best."
"Next time I think you had Mike just need to make a Shandy sandwich, but please observe the load code of the road."- qluder.
"I can't take this post seriously."
"Is this a joke?'
"There's no way you're happily sharing a twin bed with another man in an apartment."
"If this isn't a joke, your girlfriend is probably using the 'you chose Mike' line to put distance between you because she didn't realize you share a bed with another grown man."
"I would be thoroughly freaked out if I found out this information and would probably make up an excuse as to why the relationship can't continue."-debitum-naturae.
"YTA."
"Why even have her over then if she can't sleep with you?'
"Not cool."-GreenGengar1982.
"This is so strange."
"Why do you have to share the bed with your room mate because of his girlfriends condition?"
"That should be something him and her need to figure out, and not inconvenience you over it."
'How is the rent split?'
"If I had to share a bedroom with my room mate over this I'd make sure the rent is split accordingly; otherwise you're being taken advantage of.'
"Why you normalized this arrangement is beyond me, and your girlfriend probably won't put up with it very long; I wouldn't at least."
"You are NTA here, it's your space and living situation so she can't really have a say, but she also doesn't have to put up with sleeping on the couch, in her boyfriend's apartment while he sleeps soundly with his room mate."
"Should have just told her to go home, what's the point of her sleeping over?"- Reasonable-Inside-25.
"Wait you intentionally share a bed with your room mate?"
"And not even as a one off?"
"I mean I kinda get why but NGL this whole dynamic is weird to day the least."
"I can see why Shandy is put off tbh."
"How are you 2 ever going to have a long term relationship that's intimate if she can never sleep next to you at your place?"-Saysaywhat91.
"YTA this is absolutely weird AF."- tialaila.
"Honestly, this living situation doesn't sound feasible."
"Realistically how long can you live with your roommate in your bed?"
"It'll absolutely wear on your relationship."
"Ultimately Mike and Daisy should be figuring out a way for them to both sleep in the same room, has she been to the doctor about her sleep apnea?"
"My bf snores like crazy and has sleep apnea and it took us some time but we found some noise cancelling headphones so can now sleep in the same room."
"Also, when do you and your GF get any private alone time?"
'It's definitely something I think you need to bring up with Daisy and Mike."
"I'm assuming you're paying the rent for your room, so technically you can dictate who uses it."
"I know it's an awkward one but even if you didn't have a GF, you're still having to share your bed with your flatmate because his girlfriend has a medical issue."
"Try and have a mature convo with them about it."
"Good luck!"-whoever199888.
It's nice that the OP and his roommate have such a good relationship that they feel comfortable sharing a bed.
But for him to have any relationships which are more than platonic, this arrangement is clearly going to be a problem.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.