Bras have a lot of nicknames. Most of the ones that come from the people who actually wear them involve the level of pain and discomfort they inflict.
Yet some people insist women must wear a bra at all times no matter what. That's the position one husband took.
After a disagreement with his wife about her bras, he decided to consult the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor PersonalizedGilt asked:
"AITA for refusing to go out in public with my wife when she won't wear a bra?"
He explained:
"I've been married for almost 20 years. Lately my wife has started to go out in public braless."
"She'll wear a t-shirt and it leaves almost nothing to the imagination. She complains that it's not comfortable to wear a bra and it's too hot outside."
"I don't care if she goes braless in the house but out in public is a different story. Most people don't want to see a middle aged woman's breasts bouncing around in a store."
"The ones who do are looking at her in a sexual manner. I'm embarrassed to be seen with her bra free."
"I'm constantly worried that I'm going to run into people I know. She's spent her whole life wearing a bra in public and never had a problem before."
"Last weekend we went to Walmart and it was obvious the cashier was staring at her. I don't like the idea of people getting their jollies from staring at my wife's boobs."
"I told her I won't go out in public with her anymore if she doesn't wear a bra. It would be more comfortable for me to wear my underwear in public too but there's social etiquette."
"She believes it's her body and her right to not wear a bra."
"I think it's selfish."
"I don't see how wearing a bra can be that uncomfortable. Almost all women wear bras in public."
While Redditors had a variety of options to respond with, the overwhelming majority decided the husband deserved a YTA vote, meaning he is the a**hole.
"I love how he uses "all women wear one" as proof that it's not uncomfortable. No OP, it means that a lot of us are uncomfortable." ~ Pawpawgit
"Did you also catch the bit about 'No one wants to see a middle aged woman's boobs bouncing around' followed by 'people are getting their jollies looking at her boobs'?"
"Can we maybe pick a side here? No. [His arguments] all suck."
"My dude... I have been married for 20 years. This likely puts us in a similar age group and I have to say, on behalf of your wife, one middle aged girl standing up for another, you can f'k right off."
"Please feel free to wear a cup every time you go out in public, preferably with a pair of tight fitting jeans. After, lets say, 30 years of this, we'll revisit this conversation and see what you think of wrangling your junk in an uncomfortable contraption every time you go out in public."
"For the entire 30 year period, you can go ahead and keep yer yap shut about your wife's decision to bra or no bra. Any time you fail to keep your yap shut, she can snap your cup."
"I mean, why not relive a little of the fun we had growing up getting our bra straps snapped publicly. If this doesn't seem agreeable to you, well, then you can just shut up and let your wife make her own choices."
"Wait. No. You can shut up and let your wife make her own choices either way. YTA." ~ slydog4100
"Hey bro, it's 2020. We're not policing what women wear anymore. And YTA." ~ chickenpickkle
Twelve Redditors thought there were no a**holes (NAH) in this situation.
But most of their justifications included references to breasts being sex organs that men are helpless to resist which did not go over well.
"NAH. As a woman with larger boobs I understand your position and bras can be uncomfortable especially if you are not wearing ones that match your size."
"Your wife can wear what she likes and technically you are in no position to police her but that doesn't mean you cannot be uncomfortable with it."
"There is something like social etiquette and contrary to the popular opinion breasts are a secondary sexual characteristics. I don't understand the idea that breasts are these things that no one should care about and to those who do you clearly don't understand evolution, biology and sexual selection."
"I know men look at boobs in a sexual way and people should stop trying to shame that. That also means that it will make some partners uncomfortable having their wife ogled at and honestly your wife should have a little more sympathy for your position."
"If this post was about a guy wearing shorts where his penis shape would be clearly visible then people would say he is a pervert so much for double standard. You have to make concessions in a relationship."
"I'm sure your wife asks you to do something you don't want and you oblige. People on reddit have very out of touch with the reality opinions so probably not the best place to ask for advice."
"I would try to tell your wife your position from a perspective that shows her you do mind because you love her and don't want people to look at her as it makes you feel jealous/bad. This will resonate better than doing it in a patronizing way." ~ olichka8
"There is a difference between genitals and breasts. Are you someone who agrees with the comparison that 'oh if she can breastfeed in public I can whip my dick out'?"
"If a man was larger and had breasts would you make him wear a bra?"
"Like those are boobs [breast tissue]. Double standard right back at you." ~ WatsonandDawson
One—only one—person stated the husband was right and his wife was the a**hole by voting NTA.
"NTA. I will be the unpopular opinion leader here and say I agree with your concerns of people eyeing your wife in a sexual manner and also following societal norms."
"Not only does it make you uncomfortable seeing people stare but it can definitely start altercations with some weirdos. It's unfair how women with smaller breasts can get away with it but I mean if a flat chested woman wore a baggy t shirt it barely shows... not much attention is set on her."
"That's just the fact of the matter. I also factor in that you're married so I assume you are trying to protect her from perverts as you stated."
"For the record I would also say the wife is the AH even if she was a 25 year old wearing a g string bikini at a family filled beach. There's a Time and place for everything."
"And for the people who will probably think I'm being sexist I'm not saying your wife is being overly sexual. It's just the way things are, people sexualize big breasts."
"And i just want to point out that as much as she's uncomfortable with a bra on, doesn't take away from how much her bra-less outfits makes you uncomfortable. It can be just as offensive to both sides."
"No I don't think you're being sexist, just confused when she has been doing something a certain way for 20 years. I didn't read many comments but I hope people aren't bullying you into thinking you're a terrible person." ~ shedancesforher
And the Redditor was absolutely right.
Their hot take that women must wear things to protect men from sexualizing them was a very unpopular opinion.
"This is such a puritan American take I don't even know where to begin."
"Why is it assumed that she will never be ogled if she just wears a bra? That's just not true. So the comment that she is being 'protected' is less than accurate, a better word would be 'controlled'."
"Also, I don't know where you live but as far as I know there is a trend towards both braless looks and g string bikinis, so the social norms argument is pretty weak as well. News flash, a kid doesn't care about a bikini when they are focused on their sandcastle, and a creep is going to find some way or another to be a creep."
"OP is welcome to believe that adjusting his life to appease random creeps is the right way of doing things, but he has no authority over his wife's bodily autonomy. They could easily compromise if they went shopping and found some outfits that didn't require a bra and also obscured the nipple."
"I have plenty of cute sundresses that work this way. However, he decides to instead proclaim that no compromise is possible, she MUST wear a bra and not only that, she must be lying about the discomfort she feels wearing them."
"That's what makes him TA." ~ idgafboiiiii
"So his comfort and the comfort of others is more important than hers?"
"No, just no. She is allowed to be comfortable and so long as she isn't breaking a dress code of the establishment they are in, she can wear whatever she damn well pleases." ~ bluerose1197
"So your post is basically calling the wife an [a**hole] because she's uncomfortable physically with wearing a bra and the husband is uncomfortable emotionally because he dislikes having his wife stared at in public?" ~ TheyMightBeDead
"He's definitely the [a**hole] and you're definitely sexist."
"If he truly is trying to protect her he wouldn't want her to go out alone."
"Also men should be held accountable for overly sexualizing women. Boobs are natural, nothing to be embarrassed about." ~ Hi_Yaa
The OP was clearly judged as being the a**hole. He has yet to return to provide any updates.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.