We've all been in a situation at some point where we were overbooked and had to decide how we would proceed.
Maybe we were working more than one job, or juggling work and school, or maybe we just had a baby. Whatever our story might be, it's fair to say it's hard.
Sometimes it involves life-changing decisions, as well, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Internal-Sea-5203 found himself in the tough decision of studying for medical school and trying to be present for his wife and their baby daughter.
When his wife's concerns continued to worsen, the Original Poster (OP) struggled to figure out what to do.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for focusing on medical school over my wife's mental health?"
The OP was at a loss with his living situation.
"I'm in medical school. My wife and I and our one-year-old daughter are about 4 hours away from both of our families."
"I'm three months into school and my wife has left and taken our daughter to her mom's house 4 hours away and is making an ultimatum."
"Either I help more with our daughter or she doesn't come back."
The OP's schedule was tight.
"This is what my days consist of: I go to school for 9-5, and then I come home and try to help a little until about 8 pm, where I study until about 11, and then do it all over again."
"I'm really not present a lot, but I'm trying to make a life for us by being a doctor and being able to provide for everyone."
"My wife doesn't see it like that. I don't know where the issue is lost in translation, but she just doesn't see eye-to-eye with me."
The OP's wife did not agree with his viewpoints.
"I've told her that anatomy, the hardest part of medical school, ends in three weeks, and then I'll be more present."
"She told me, 'You're not understanding. I need help now. Not in 3 weeks.'"
"So pretty much either I fail out of medical school and I'm a good parent, or I pass anatomy and I'm a terrible father."
"I'm honestly in tears right now and I don't know what to do. I've worked so hard for this."
"What would you do?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP's wife was selfish for giving an ultimatum.
"Ok but OP didn't decide to be a doctor on a whim, this has been years in the making. The wife knew this was going to be happening, and stayed just to give an ultimatum now?"
"I get needing help, I have 3 kids. But if my partner was working his butt off to better our future, it would be a sacrifice on both our ends."
"If OP quit now, what would they have?" - SourSkittlezx
"It's the ultimatum here that makes the wife in the wrong too because it's not at all productive and it's just really bad for relationships - and leaving like she did is basically bailing on the relationship."
"I feel for OP and wife here honestly. They both sound super exhausted like to the point that they're too tired to actually listen to each other and figure this out. But they need to figure it out, and you can't do that if you leave." - justyules
"I am also the wife of a doctor, and I accept that he is never going to be more present at home. He is a pulmonologist and runs private practice - the first patient at 8 am, the last at 7 pm, and he comes home at 8 pm to a ready meal with happy kids that have their homework done."
"He helps out as much as he can, but honestly, I do not expect anything from him at this point. He was a doctor when I married him. His patients will always come first."
"When our youngest daughter was born, he took a day and a half off. On our wedding day, he saw patients before the civil ceremony."
"It is his choice, and the world is a better place because there are people like him. OPs wife needs to realize that being a doctor is a calling. Sometimes that means sacrifice from the spouse too. So NTA." - TiinaWithTwoEyes
Others said the OP needed to reprioritize.
"I'm sure she wasn't silent about it, acting all happy and fulfilled, and then OP came home and she was gone."
"I don't get people saying she's an asshole too. She's entitled to support from her partner. If she's not getting that she's entitled to leave. OP made a clear choice every single time he didn't do anything to change the situation."
"He could very easily take off a year or two from school until his child is a little older. Over the course of his life, this will make zero difference to his career and may have saved his family. OP also needs to stop having children if he can't contribute to their care in a meaningful way." - emccm
"His claim that he can only see his wife and child for 3 hours a day is a little insane and I'm sure he isn't changing diapers, doing feedings, or helping around the house at all."
"Also, the fact that as an aspiring doctor he 'doesn't care' about his wife's mental health is scary and his idea that he'll have more time in the future is delusional. I think your idea of a nanny or something like that is a fantastic idea. But I don't think OP cares enough to help his wife in any way." - Murderbunny13
"According to OP's post history, he has time for video games. I understand that everyone deserves time to themselves, and I'm not knocking OP for taking that time."
"But he's trying to make it seem like all he does is study and sleep, and that's why he can't be present. Which is obviously not true, as he studies, sleeps, and plays video games."
"I'm not suggesting he quit playing the games, but if his wife is a SAHM, she is working more than he is at this point. I doubt she has time for herself, which is likely why she's so burnt out."
"You don't pack the kid up and go stay at your mother's after one conversation. I suspect she's been asking for help, and been trying to talk to him and he's been dismissive of her mental health."
"OP, YTA. Not for going to med school either. YTA for neglecting to offer any type of solution to your wife."
"A part-time nanny? A situation where she lives with mom half the week and comes home the other half? Whatever would actually work for you both."
"Because if you don't do something now, you're getting a divorce. Your wife is dangerously close to leaving you. Take her seriously, or lose her." - Girlwithmanynames
Some said the OP and his wife were both in the wrong.
"She is an AH for having a kid with an aspiring doctor and then expecting he will be present as a father."
"He is an AH for having a kid that he will not realistically be able to care for."
"They both are double-AH for moving away from their support network."
"She is triple-AH for thinking bullying him will improve the situation."
"She is quadruple-AH for taking the job of SAHM, letting him organize his life around that, then quitting and guilting him into dropping medical school (she could have humbly said it was not working and proposed that she would stay with her mother while he would visit them during the week-ends)." - RNBQ4103
"I would never have decided to have a kid with someone headed to medical school. It means years of basically being a single parent, while also having a roommate with benefits who is sometimes there but rarely helping, so no."
"Unless finances supported paying for a few dozen hours of assistance weekly from a nanny, or family agreed to a similar amount of childcare."
"Heck, I wouldn't have a kid with anybody in school full time And working full time at Any job, where is the time to be a parent? Or the time to be a partner?"
"I wouldn't have decided to have a kid if I was the pre-med or full-time/full-time working student either, obviously." - Meghanshadow
"ESH. As the wife of a doctor, I very much understand the dynamic that is happening here."
"In that relationship it will take sacrifices from both parties, that is the reality."
"As other posters have pointed out, this is not going to get easier in 3 weeks when anatomy is over. In one of his rotations in the 4th year of school, my husband was forced to go home after being at the hospital for 100 hours that week and then yelled at by the doctor he was working under to come back in and stop being lazy."
"All 4 years will be hard, there are many large licensing exams you will need to spend a lot of time studying for, and then after that, there will be 4 years of residency (where we are at now) with many weeks where all you have time to do is come home, crash, and go back to work. And more board exams on top of that."
"It will probably be 8-10 years before you can be a substantial and consistent presence at home. That is just the reality of the situation. You need to discuss a way to make that work for the both of you, or you will have this fight many times in the future." - idprefernotto92
Though the OP was sure he was doing what was best for his growing family, the subReddit was not totally convinced. Rather, all understood the importance and demands of medical school, but they did not totally agree with how the OP's education compared to the rest of his life.
Redditors were divided on who was in the wrong, given the OP's original conversation, but one thing they could agree on was the need for further conversation before medical school puts an irreparable strain on the OP's relationship.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp