Redditor aita-meorcrochet asked:
"AITA for telling my fiance it's either me or the tablecloth?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Literally so stupid that we're having this argument, but I'm curious as to who's in the wrong."
"Me and my fiancée just moved in together. We live a strictly minimalist lifestyle."
"For those who don't know, we don't buy anything we don't need, have no decor or knick knacks, and don't have anything that doesn't fit our needs. Basically anything useless."
"Both of us just prefer to live like this. I grew up with hoarder parents and can't live with too many things."
"Well, as a housewarming gift, my fiancee's cousin made her a table (runner?). It literally looks so tacky but I accepted and said thanks."
"I already knew that no way this was going in my house. When we were alone, I told my fiancée to get rid of it."
"It just was so ugly and didn't fit the theme of our house. This upset my fiancée and she went on a rant about how time consuming it is to make something like that."
"I told her I didn't care and that I wasn't allowing it. She got pissed and left."
"Usually my fiancée is level headed, but I guess she's really close with her cousin and the gift meant a lot to her. However, growing up with my trauma I can't allow this."
"I texted her and told her that it's either me or the tablecloth. My mental health is much too important."
"I also want to clarify that our table is expensive, so covering it up with something so tacky is really disappointing. I told her can't she just ask her cousin to make coasters instead."
"That's the only way I'll compromise."
"Anyways, she hasn't responded yet and I want to know if I overreacted."
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were of one mind in their response.
"'I texted her and told her that it's either me or the tablecloth'. God I hope she picks the tablecloth."
"Please come back and update us. YTA." ~ Dszquphsbnt
"Same! YTA, tablecloth for the win, even if it's actually tacky and not 'tacky'." ~ Tsarina-Mama
"A table cloth can keep you warmer at night. More than this cold hearted a**hole." ~ epileftric
"I am also on Team Tablecloth! I hope this allows this woman to see how insane this is!" ~ Viperbunny
"I mean if I had to guess this has been a long time coming for her and this was the straw that broke the camels back but just imagine OP going out on dates and talking about how he was engaged once but it ended over a tablecloth." ~ cjpren11
"Tablecloths don't give stupid ultimatums. Go tablecloth!" ~ OrangeSockMonkey
"YTA. You 'won't allow it'?!"
"Congratulations on dying on the stupidest hill, and alienating your fiancée in the process." ~ arizonakarenina
"OP, massive YTA. The silver lining is that fiancée gets the red flag now, instead of after the marriage."
"OP is wedded to their overcorrective anti-hoarding lifestyle (like that isn't also a response to trauma?), and is willing to ditch a relationship rather than seek therapy."
"They've just moved in together; this is merely Conflict #1 in a long line of conflicts. Nearly every time someone gives them a gift, this is going to happen."
"Given OP is not willing to change, I 100% support them making this ultimatum, though because it's an a**hole move, and the fiancée deserves to know how much of an AH OP is."
"OP's fiancée will be forced to recognize that they will never be willing to compromise. I'd say that's an excellent reason to break up 'over a tablecloth'." ~ FeuerroteZora
"Can you imagine if they ever have kids?! If OP can't handle a table runner then OP will be in for a big surprise with the amount of clutter kids cause."
"OP needs therapy for their childhood trauma. Its clearly caused some lasting affects that are having negative consequences in relationships." ~ Asocial_dragon
"Seriously, if he doesn't get some therapy, toys are going to give him a nervous breakdown. Or he'll ban them entirely and end up raising a serial killer." ~ broketothebone
"The good news is when she decides to leave there won't be much stuff for them to divide up." ~ cjpren11
"You can be minimalist and have a table runner. This sounds like a well intentioned, homemade gift from a beloved family member, let your fiancée keep it."
"But by all means, if this is the hill you want to die on OP, YTA and you can die on this stupid hill." ~ Bellachan
"Anyone else noticed he said 'my house'? Hello they live together. YTA." ~ Cranberry_Bland
"YTA. Your partner also lives in the home and gets to have a say in how it looks and what is in it."
"One HANDMADE table runner from a close family member isn't exactly a first step towards hoarding and you are projecting your parents' issues onto your partner."
"Also, saying you don't like a handmade gift and then telling the giver that you would rather they make you something different is pretty rude as well." ~ dreamwastoid
"In the post he makes it sound like he's more upset about how the tablecloth looks rather than it taking up space."
"It doesn't sound like he's responding with trauma from the hoarding, more like he's just being a snob about interior decor." ~ soft_fuzzy_man
"YTA. Just because you have untreated childhood trauma that you're overcorrecting from doesn't mean this is a legitimate hill to die on."
"If a tablecloth is what's causing you to consider ending your relationship (almost MARRIAGE, dude), then get f'king therapy and stop making it your fiancée's problem." ~ RocheCoach
"Also a tablecloth is a Functional Item Mr. Minimalist. sheesh."
"It's for saving your table against wear."
"Dictating what you 'allow' in your house means it isn't her house. Don't use your trauma as an excuse to be a controlling jerk." ~ Creative-Training175
The message was clear. Reddit was completely team tablecloth.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.