One reason people have weddings, rather than simply getting married at city hall, is that they want to share the moment with their nearest and dearest.
Generally, those folks also make every effort to attend the wedding, no matter the challenges.
Unfortunately, sometimes making a wedding just isn't possible.
Some brides and grooms struggle to grasp this reality.
Redditor RekallQuaid's brother recently got married. Unfortunately, just before the wedding, the original poster (OP) found himself in a vulnerable position.
As a result, the OP left his brother's wedding early.
A departure the OP's brother simply could not understand.
Wondering if they dropped the ball, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH? I missed my brother’s wedding party because I had cancer and he’s mad at me."
The OP explained why he couldn't stay for his brother's wedding reception:
"I don’t even know what to say here, maybe I am the a**hole I don’t know, what better way to find out than to ask some random strangers."
"I first want to preface this by saying my wife, my daughter, and I DID ATTEND THE ACTUAL WEDDING CEREMONY."
"WE WERE THERE FOR WHAT I CONSIDER THE IMPORTANT PART."
"Anyway, last month I was diagnosed with testicular cancer."
"It’s been a very emotional and rocky rollercoaster of a ride - first not knowing what stage my cancer was at and whether I was going to die or not, to then having treatment, having my testicle removed, and then the recovery from that."
"This coincided with my brother's wedding, which I was really looking forward to."
"I had to pull out of his stag do (bachelor party) in May because I had been hospitalized in March (I had been unwell for a few weeks - I also have Cystic Fibrosis) and came down with a really nasty lung infection which I took a while to recover from."
"I then started feeling really fatigued, a lot less energy and I was constantly sleeping during the day and I couldn’t put my finger on why.I was pissed off, but I told my brother once I was better I would take him out for drinks myself."
"I wasn’t feeling better as fast as I had in previous years, and then I found a lump on my left testicle."
"I got it checked immediately, and obviously it turned out to be cancer. I was terrified."
"My mental health was all over the place, and my life was turned upside down."
"I didn’t know how advanced the cancer was, I just needed to wait until I’d had the surgery and CT scans."
"Thankfully the CT scans were clear, and the cancer hadn’t spread, but my surgery was only two weeks ago."
"I am still feeling extremely sore; I have low energy, and my self-esteem has been battered."
"The wedding was the first time I’d been out around a large group of people since I was diagnosed, and the day was just too much for me mentally, and I was feeling very overwhelmed."
"The suit I was wearing was pressing really hard against my scar, and when we got back to our house to get changed for the night party, my wound was so swollen and honestly I was exhausted."
"So I messaged my brother and told him I couldn’t make the party, thinking he would understand because his big brother has got cancer."
"I was in pain, I was tired, and I slept for literally the rest of the day until the next morning."
"He ghosted me."
"A week later I had a cancer appointment, and I received the news that my cancer was likely all clear, and that I would need one dose of chemo to make sure, but other than that the doctor was happy."
"I was ecstatic; I was so relieved, and I couldn’t wait to tell my family, so I called my mother to give her the good news, and then I posted in our group chat to let everyone else know. I have another brother and a sister who are both married and they replied instantly to say how happy they were for me."
"My brother ghosted me again, and his new wife just put a 'thumbs up' emoji."
"An hour later she posted a photo of her wedding gifts and didn’t mention anything else."
"Not that I expected her to, but I thought my sister-in-law or brother would at least say 'that’s great news!'”
"Nothing."
"I left it a few days, and it was really niggling at me, so I messaged my brother and asked him if I had upset him in any way, considering he hadn’t responded to my news or even acknowledged that my terrifying journey was almost over."
"He then sent me this long message:
'I was upset as well. On my own wedding day of all days. [My daughter’s name] was looking forward to coming and it seemed like there were no arrangements or anything to get her to come to the after party'."
"She’s 5 years old."
"'I understand that you were sore and uncomfortable; I get that. There were other people there uncomfortable or in a bad place. Someone was there who has literally just split with her husband after 25 years together. She came to both; it’s the last thing she would have wanted to see.I would have much rather had a phone call from you to just apologize. It’s too easy over a message. You were supposed to be doing a speech for me, and you would have heard what I would have said about all 3 of you as well. Feeling that sh*t on my wedding day because my brother isn’t there sucks. I always seem to be an afterthought a lot of the time, and after you didn't come to my stag do due to not being well, it just pissed me off, not going to lie. So (my sister's name) had to be put in a position she didn’t agree to be in and have a sibling of mine say things about me at my wedding."
"This is a lie."
"She had her own speech planned."
"People get ill and are sore etc. I’m not saying you haven’t been. There hasn’t been a case of, well, I’ve missed your stag do, so let’s go for a drink or do something together when I’m better. Not 1 suggestion of that happening so far'."
"As I said earlier, I actually DID say I would take him out for drinks."
"'I’m glad you got the news you have. I really am, and it is brilliant news about your cancer, and hopefully you can put it behind you and concentrate on other things. I’m just pissed off you missed my wedding day'.”
"I WAS THERE!"
"He’s acting as if I wasn’t there at all."
"I can honestly understand him being frustrated, but to brush my cancer off as something like 'other people get sore too' has pissed me off."
"I don’t even know how to respond to him at this point."
"When I was in hospital in March, not one of my family members asked if I was ok."
"I get it, I’ve had Cystic Fibrosis my whole life, it’s nothing new, and they’re probably used to me being in hospital and just getting on with it."
"Am I the a**hole here or what? "
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for not staying for his brother's wedding reception.
Everyone agreed that the OP's rest and recovery were far more important than his brother's wedding reception, and his brother needed to understand this:
"Let him be mad."
"NTA."- lihzee
"NTA."
Comparing a surgical procedure and a life or death situation to a divorce is wild."- ruptured-appi
"If my sister was sick and had cancer, I would totally understand if she bailed after my ceremony."
"I would want her to take care of herself, because I love her and want her to be well."
"Jfc, your brother sounds like a piece of work, and if I were you, I'd consider putting some distance between the two of you."
"NTA your brother sounds like a right a**hole."- ZampyZero
"I had a tumor removed from my testicle."
"I have a pretty good idea what you were feeling."
"Your brother is clueless and selfish."
"NTA."- TomorrowHot8746
First, congratulations on the cancer being clear. I also want to say NTA.
"I do, however, want to suggest a possibility since you mention that you grew up with Cystic Fibrosis - at the same time mentioning that it does NOT justify his attitude or how he treated you here."
"I would look up 'glass child syndrome'."
"If your parents, rightfully, had to constantly take you to doctors and specialists, and as a middle child (who often feel overlooked), this might explain some of this response."
"Frankly, I think his response was a bit rude, aggressive, and he was lashing out at you unnecessarily."
"But this might give you some insight as to why."
"*Maybe*."
"Again, congrats on beating the cancer!"- AphasiacButtercup
The OP's brother certainly has every right to be disappointed that the OP wasn't at his reception.
However, he should also be incredibly grateful that the OP is alive and healthy,
One hopes the anger of the OP"s brother subsides, and he'll come to realize how lucky he is to be able to create many more memories with him, rather than simply feeling deprived of one.
