Figuring out where to go for the holidays can be difficult for couples.
Everybody wants to be fair.
But over the years, plans sometimes need to change.
That doesn't always go over well.
Redditor u/Dependent-Ad-2694 found herself in a dilemma regarding family travel plans for Christmas, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
""AITAH for refusing to travel on Christmas?
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (33 M[ale]) and I (33 F[eamle]) have been together 15 years, married for the last 5."
"We have a daughter (2), and we own our house."
"For the first few years we were together, we each went our separate ways for Christmas - we were in college, and our parents lived in different states."
"After graduating, we spent the next 8 years having Christmas with his family."
"They live closer (2-hour drive), and he had significantly younger siblings for whom the magic of Christmas was still very real."
"I told him I was OK with this (my Mom lived alone and my siblings all had their own thing going on anyway) but that once we had our own children, I did not want to travel at Christmas any longer and wanted to begin my own family traditions in my home on Christmas."
"This was my expectation, and it's been clearly stated many times over the years, and he was always fine with it."
"When our daughter was born, we had her first Christmas at his parents' house and the second Christmas at my mom's house, and then I put my foot down and said, 'I'm done. I want to do our own thing as a family at Christmas.'"
"I was willing to travel the first two years because our child was so young, but now she has a lot more awareness of the holidays, so I want to go all out with the magic of Christmas and anticipating Santa and making cookies and all of it."
"On some level, I'm appeasing my damaged inner child, and I know that."
"Then my husband's dad died."
"His entire family is understandably devastated."
"It was very sudden and very traumatic."
"My husband has 3 siblings, none of whom have kids."
"They've decided that, to avoid acknowledging a Christmas without their Dad, they and my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] will take a family vacation at Christmas time, and it will be an annual tradition."
"For the first trip, they went to Nashville and had a great time while we had Christmas with my Mom."
"The Nashville trip was very drinking-heavy and did not seem like it'd be fun for a 1-year-old and the Mom (me) who had to take care of her while everyone else partied."
"And they party hard - my husband's family knows how to have a good time, and they occasionally go too far and get sick and sloppy."
"This year, they're going to Florida, leaving on Christmas Day."
"My husband desperately wants to go."
"I offered to let him go on his own, but I'm not willing to do it."
"I'd just be taking care of my toddler and providing rides while they all got drunk the whole time."
"I like to drink, but not when I'm taking care of my daughter."
"I don't want to pay a few thousand dollars and 4 vacation days from work to do that."
"My husband says it's unfair for me to 'claim' Christmas."
"I argued that he called the shots for 9 Christmases in a row, so it's only fair I get to make the decision of how we celebrate a few."
"For added context, we also spend Thanksgiving, Easter, and St. Patrick's Day with his family."
"We see his family for an overnight weekend trip at least 1-2x a month."
"I love my husband and his family, and this isn't a huge source of strife with us or anything, but just looking for some 3rd party opinions."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA. Your husband can travel with his family if he wants."
"I don't think that should require you to travel on the holidays with a toddler, especially if everyone is going to be drinking a bunch."
"It's also pretty wild that he's saying you're 'claiming' Christmas when you've spent so many of them with his family to this point."
"Does he not see the hypocrisy in that statement at all?" ~ lihzee
"At least your mom gets it."
"She wants to be in her new home and not travel!"
"Don’t let your husband make you think you are selfish."
"What you were asking for is incredibly reasonable."
"This isn’t some special themed Christmas holiday; it’s a booze holiday."
"Your two-year-old will not have fun on it."
"You deserve to make family traditions at home, especially after spending so much time with his family."
"You will never get back those Christmases with your kids."
"They are only little for so long."
"You deserve to make those special happy family memories with your child."
"And your child deserves to have fun Christmases."
"I understand your father-in-law passing away is devastating."
"I can understand why your husband really wants to be with his family."
"But he needs to be with his kid and wife for Christmas.
"And then he should go on the holiday with his family the day AFTER Christmas."
"And you will be doing him a favor by staying home and watching your kid so he can spend as much time with his family in Florida as he wants without having to worry/parent."
"It’s not a big deal for him to come to the vacation a day later."
"He doesn’t have to fly out on Christmas. NTA." ~ Pippet_4
"NTA. Ask him if he wants his daughter's Christmas memories to be her daddy and his family drinking."
"Let him drink if he wants and let that be a sign of the times to come, plan accordingly." ~ beepbeepboop74656
"NTA. Aside from that sounding like an awful experience for a tiny child, I wouldn't put up with being expected to go, just to be designated driver/babysitter for the rest of them."
"He's getting plenty of family fun time, and they need to quit expecting a literal child to give up their holiday so they can go partying." ~ Mira_DFalco
"The issue here is that his family wants to take a trip every Christmas."
"OP, will you ever get the Christmas u envisioned for your child if this goes on?"
"You should just start having Christmas at home, without your husband if you must."
"Your child is growing up fast, and you don’t wanna lose time."
"Also ur right; they only want you there to be the responsible adult; that’s disrespectful and exhausting. NTA." ~ SensitiveSand9775
"Your husband is willing to give up Christmas memories with his child because his father died when your husband is an adult?"
"So now he wants to cancel his own child’s Christmases to go on a boozefest for the holiday -when he sees the rest of his family all the time?"
"OP, stand your ground." ~ Outside-Ice-5665
"Wow."
"So he would rather get drunk and travel with his siblings than celebrate Christmas with his wife and daughter?"
"Big yikes."
"Also, ironic that he’s claiming you can’t claim Christmas when his family has literally claimed Christmas."
"NTA, but your husband is." ~ MediumSizedMaze
"NTA, the time to start your own family traditions is now. "
"You negotiated with him 10 (?) or so years ago and he agreed."
"He should man up and embrace his own family: you and your daughter."
"Drinking isn't restricted to Christmas; they can do that any time, and by the sound of it they do." ~ AppeltjeEitje1079
"NTA. You are 1000% right about establishing your own traditions."
"And it's just practical--toddlers are not at their best when they are not in a familiar environment."
"Save your travel money for when your kid is old enough to enjoy it."
"My antennae are quivering at how MIL has everybody revolving around her refusal to figure out how to get through the holidays without her husband, and with the amount of drinking you describe, I wonder if there's a serious alcoholic/codependency thing going on with them all."
"The sweetest gift I ever got was from my FIL."
"We used to go to my husband's parent's house for Christmas."
"My mom was a nurse, so we never celebrated any holiday on the actual day, and we all did our own thing when we grew up, so I loved going to their house because they were really into the whole Christmas shebang."
"Our daughter was born in November, and a couple of weeks after she was born, he called me (not his son) and said little kids need to be home at Christmas, and so we should stay home from then on."
"I, of course, invited them to come up and spend Christmas with us, and he told me that when he left the Navy in 1946, he vowed never to be away from home at Christmas again."
"That started a tradition of no air travel during the holidays, and Christmas was always at home."
"We do our big family get-togethers in the summer, and it's more fun than anywhere because you can be outside." ~ queen_surly
"NTA. You have a two-year-old who is at the age where Santa is real, and Christmas magic is loved."
"I’m not traveling to be the sober one when I have a toddler at home."
"Your husband and his family are all about themselves."
"We all lose people we love."
"All of us."
"But we have to move on and live our lives." ~ twinklingblueeyes
Reddit is standing with you on the Christmas travel situation, OP.
If your husband wants to go, he can go.
You are looking out for your child.
Why can't his family come to you?
Just a thought...
Happy Holidays!
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.