Childbirth is not an easy situation.
It can be especially stressful when there are complications, like premature delivery.
A lot of mothers struggle with postpartum after a regular birth, so a complicated birth can add an extra layer of frenzy.
How partners show up can often set the tone of recovery.
Redditor u/Dakanon found himself in a dilemma regarding moving into a new house and the birth of his child, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for having my best friend over after helping me move?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I had a baby on Monday, and our baby is currently in the N[eonatal] I[ntensive] C[are] U[nit]."
"Actually bought a new house while she was being admitted to the hospital, and he was premature."
"Four days after giving birth, my wife was discharged."
"We went to visit our baby together in the NICU and then came home that night."
"The next day, five days postpartum, she went back to the NICU while I stayed behind to work on moving us into our new place."
"My best friend had been helping nonstop, even moving stuff while we were in the hospital."
"That day, he helped me move all day."
"As a thank you, I bought him dinner and a couple of beers, and we watched a bit of football."
"When my wife came home, she was upset that he was there eating, drinking beer, watching football."
"From my perspective, he’d done me a huge favor, but I also understand she was five days postpartum, stressed, exhausted, and processing a lot."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP WAS the A**hole here.
"NAH. Your friend absolutely deserved dinner after helping all day, but your wife is five days postpartum with a baby in the NICU."
"Coming home to beers and football probably hit very differently for her." ~ JayZan42
"Agreed. This is just a tough situation. NAH." ~ Treicule
"Yeah, I also agree with NAH."
"OP is just being grateful to his friend for helping them out while his wife is understandably tired and stressed with postpartum."
"Just to prevent situations like this from happening again, it would be better if OP informs his wife and updates her so she won't be blindsided." ~ IceSeeker
"Agreed."
"NAH as long as the wife is also getting taken care of."
"Moving is not easy, and it's good hubby is stepping up and getting the unpacking done, so much lifting and moving shouldn't be happening 5 days postpartum."
"But perhaps a heads-up text that he and his buddy were eating dinner and having some beers after all the heavy lifting so she wouldn't be surprised when she got home."
"And that a hot dinner plate was waiting for her when she got home." ~ Intelligent-Panda-33
"She’s got the usual post-birth changes to deal with, the stress of a baby in the neonatal unit, and likely a crap ton of work left to unpack and set up the house before the baby gets home (because you guys won’t have time to do it after), and who knows what else."
"Plus a 4-day postpartum stay in the hospital."
"Is she ok?"
"Your friend definitely deserved dinner, drinks, and football. But maybe another day?"
"She needs you, buddy."
"Be there." ~ lobr6
"Agreed. NAH."
"I’ve been in your wife’s shoes."
"I lost my mind when my husband did something similar, though now I completely get it."
"The postpartum period is tough."
"Let her be upset, but know you’re doing your best." ~ polar810
"Yeah, I would say NTA if he just stayed back for a bit and had dinner."
"Moving is hard, and they deserve some time to wind down at the end of the day, but with the baby in the NICU the first thing the wife sees when she comes home is op relaxed and having fun."
"Being in and out of the hospital and worried about your newborn has got to be very mentally straining and scary, and wife probably felt like she was alone in that part of their situation in that moment." ~ Thor527
"The friend wasn't just over watching football."
"Had it not been for the friend, the wife would not have had most of her home set up."
"I'm sure his friend would have loved dinner, beer, football, and hanging out for the day without moving house for someone, but he showed up for friends."
"You don't find that often." ~ Fast-Aside-8732
"No one sucks here."
"Your friend did you a huge solid, and you treated him to thank him for it."
"Your wife was insanely exhausted from a day in NICU, and was overwhelmed to see a guest she'd then have to entertain, and perhaps resentful you didn't go back to the NICU after work was done."
"However, spending many days at the NICU is insanely stressful; it is ok and probably important that you just take a few hours off to relax."
"So no one sucks, except the situation."
"No a**holes here." ~ techjobber99
"NAH. Your friend deserves a small thanks after helping all day."
"Your wife is stressed."
"You didn’t do anything wrong."
"Hoping your baby is home soon, happy and healthy." ~ yellohello1001
"So your wife was at the hospital with your seriously ill child, and you were drinking beer and watching football with a friend?"
"Because that’s how she sees it."
"He did you a huge favor and absolutely needed thanking; that was not the time to do it."
"You could have asked for a rain check and taken him for some beers in a couple of weeks when things were a bit more settled."
"A soft YTA for not thinking it through." ~ Physical_Dance_9606
"This is hard."
"My son was in the NICU for 3.5 months."
"He wasn't premature, so I'm not going to go any further than that because it's different, and I spent most of my time in The Ronald McDonald House."
"But it feels like the world stops."
"You just gave birth, and your body and brain just want to hold and take care of your baby, and you can't."
"Not really."
"You should have taken him out instead."
"And come home at a reasonable time and be there for your wife."
"She had your baby less than a week ago."
"I understand he did you a huge solid, and you were trying to show some gratitude."
"But no mom with a baby in the NICU at 5 days postpartum is going to handle walking into her home to her husband and his buddy chilling with football and beers, well."
"I'm sorry your son is in the NICU."
"I pray for a speedy hospital stay and for y'all to have him home soon."
"I'm not going to call you an AH - it's a hard time."
"But you should have gone to a sports bar." ~ Kiekles
"Everyone saying you’re NTA has never had a baby in the NICU."
"Everyone screws up."
"Recognize your mistake, sincerely."
"Apologize to your wife, and make sure she knows you mean it."
"She and your new baby should be the priorities (not beer, pizza, and football with a friend who helped you move)."
"You had good intentions."
"It’s just that those intentions were wrong."
"A true friend will know you appreciate their help and won’t be offended by a 'thank you raincheck' while your baby is in the Intensive Care Unit (that’s what 3 of the letters in the acronym stand for)." ~ Okayist-Exerciser
"NAH. But not great either."
"Part of the problem is that she was blind sided by him being there casually droning beers, watching the game."
"You made a mistake by not notifying her in advance — something like, 'Since Joe has been helping us move non-stop for the last couple of days, would it be alright with you if I order in some food for us while we watch the game?'" ~ here_and_there_their
"You are not the a**hole, but neither is she."
"The only thing that I could say you might have done differently, not saying you didn't do this either... let her know the full situation prior to her walking into it."
"However, being married to a redhead and having 4 kids, 2 were premature, and the youngest was almost 4 months early... give her some leniency, apologize profusely, run her a warm bubble bath, and offer a back rub with wine if appropriate."
"And no touching the naughty bits for once." ~ Think_Warning_910
"I think this would be totally different if she wasn’t 5 days postpartum; when I was 5 days postpartum, all I needed was my husband's undivided attention."
"The hormones are crazzyyyyy at the time, and I would honestly be upset if he wasn’t suffering with me (that sounds terrible)."
"This isn’t the worst thing ever, but I definitely get where she’s coming from." ~ parrot9094
"NAH 100%."
"Congratulations on the new addition to the family."
"Best wishes to you and your family." ~ Manerdg
"It would have been better if you warned her/gave her a heads up or better yet asked."
"Yes, your buddy deserved dinner, yes you needed guy time, and yes your wife was alone, scared at the hospital. "
"All true."
"Please apologize." ~ UnlikelyGrapefruit38
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
But your wife is struggling with a lot.
It's going to be a little stressful for a while.
A new baby and a new house, all at the same time?
Be kind to one another.
