With blended families, it’s best if everyone gets along. But that’s not always the case.
When there is animosity, productive communication can be impossible. Sometimes indirect, court monitored interaction is as good as it will get.
In contentious divorces and custody agreements, the courts often dictate how parents are allowed to interact, but what about any new spouses? What if the conflict involves stepparents?
A stepmom turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback about the lack of positive communication between herself and her husband’s ex-wife and the ex-wife’s spouse.
Correct_Diamond1216 asked:
“AITA for refusing to talk to my husband’s ex-wife’s wife?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (38, female) am married to my husband (50, male), who shares custody of his two kids (16, female and 12, male) with his ex-wife (48, female). They split custodial time which she encroaches on every day they are with him.”
“They have been divorced for eight years. His ex is remarried to her wife (48, female), who has become extremely involved in the co-parenting dynamic.”
“My husband’s ex-wife left him for her current wife. I met my husband almost six years ago and we married earlier this year.”
“From the beginning, I’ve tried to be polite and respectful when interacting with his ex-wife and her wife, but over time, I’ve grown to avoid any direct contact with them, especially his ex-wife’s wife.”
“Every time I do engage, she finds a way to talk down to me or make passive-aggressive comments—both to my face and indirectly through the kids.”
“For example, she’ll say things like, ‘I’m surprised you’re here, with you it’s always hit or miss’, or, ‘we’re too old for what you do’. She’s also made snide remarks about how I am not good with the kids—’you can always ask me questions as I know how to parent them’.”
“The kids have picked up on it, too. They’ve mentioned things like, ‘stepmom says you don’t really know how kids are because you don’t have any’, or, ‘stepmom and mom said you’re only involved because Dad needs help’.”
“She does not have kids herself. We are equals here. We both are stepparents with no kids of our own. I don’t get it!”
“It’s incredibly frustrating, especially because I’ve made every effort to build a good relationship with the kids and respect their boundaries.”
“I finally decided that for my own sanity, I’m done trying to engage with her. I still talk to my husband’s ex-wife when necessary, but I won’t involve myself with her wife anymore.”
“Of course, this hasn’t gone unnoticed.”
“Now, the ex-wife and her wife are accusing me of being ‘inappropriate’ and ‘difficult’ because I won’t speak to her or coordinate directly with her. They insist that her involvement is ‘necessary’ and that I’m not prioritizing what’s best for the kids.”
“But here’s the thing: I’m not refusing to co-parent. I’m refusing to subject myself to someone who consistently disrespects me and undermines my role in the kids’ lives.”
“My husband agrees with me, but I’m still questioning whether I’m doing the right thing for the kids by drawing this line.”
“We tried to set up a group therapy between dad, mom and kids. She said no. That that is putting the kids in the middle.”
“So we tried to set one up for our family and she said a lot of legal things and that she doesn’t consent to them being involved without her. Lose-lose situation.”
“Additionally, I am pregnant and this is causing me great stress.”
“The ex-wife is already creating conflict with my husband every chance she gets. She interferes with our custodial time every week and constantly berates him in the parenting app they use to communicate.”
“My husband has told his ex-wife via the parenting app that their behavior is unacceptable and to only communicate with him. However, if I am alone (one time I was waiting in a line by myself at a school function), they see this as an opportunity to force an interaction with me.”
“They use a court appointed app and their communication is entirely through there. I think that since they can’t communicate with me in the app, the stepmom thinks she has access to me in the real world.”
“I have not sat down with ex-wife’s wife (the kids’ other stepmom). I have sat down with his ex-wife.”
“I was told that I have to engage with them to her standards. I have to go to the door when I pick up the kids and ask how they are and smile and look into their eyes. Literally what she told me.”
“I used to wait outside the car and do a wave/smile when they would come out. But that wasn’t good enough and I was called disrespectful.”
“She also told me my parenting style was wrong. And I should parent how they parent at their house.”
“I told her I trust my husband and we follow his parenting in our house. She said this is wrong because my husband is not a good parent. I told her let’s agree to disagree.”
“Naively, I just want everyone to get along. After stepmom’s many comments to me, my husband has told his ex via the app that they are not to communicate with me.”
“The kids are in individual therapy. As well as me and my husband.”
“My husband always follows up with them that it was unacceptable and unnecessary. He has told them this could be harassment and we will seek legal means if it continues.”
“I have tried to use my words.”
“I have asked once what she meant by a nasty comment she made to me and her response was just as nasty.”
“I often feel tongue tied in the moment and I have a freeze response. I am working on it with my therapist.”
“When she came up to me at a baseball game when I was with my stepdaughter and she started yelling at me that she didn’t know my last name, I calmly told her that if she gave me a moment to speak, I will give her my last name.”
“She kept going at me and it resulted in my stepdaughter running off crying.”
“I have told them I don’t want to talk to them unless it’s about the kids, but that they should communicate with my husband. I am around as a support to my stepkids.”
“My husband has also communicated that their interactions with me are unnecessary and unwanted. He has expressed that they are to discuss with him and not me.”
“He has messaged his ex-wife that I will be disengaging from both stepmom and ex-wife due to both of their comments and behaviors. He has told her it has become harassment and won’t be tolerated. All communication will be through him and his ex.”
“They did not like this of course and have continued to make comments to me and about me. But I also have not been going to pick-up/drop-off anymore and I only see them at functions in public places, but they still make snide comments like ‘Hi! Wow! Surprised you decided to show up!’ in front of the kids in public.”
“I have been ignoring them. While these types of comments aren’t so bad, the kids still see and hear it. In the moment I do get a little tongue tied and don’t know what to say, so I typically just walk away and let my husband deal with it and explain to the kids.”
“But the stepmom does not listen or seem to care. She forces interactions with me.”
“A few weeks ago, I picked up my stepson from their house because I was in the area. Before my stepson could come out, the stepmom came out and demanded I talk to her.”
“I told her ‘no thank you, I’m good’ and began walking to my car. She followed me and yelled at me the whole way that I have to talk to her because she is his stepmom.”
“I kept repeating that she can tell whatever she has to say to her wife and she can say it to my husband. Nothing I communicate seems to do anything.”
“I have spoken up, but nothing I do or my husband does seems to work. Or even what the court has done.”
“I am done subjecting myself to someone who doesn’t even let me speak or does not care what I have to say.”
“I absolutely do not want me not talking to her to affect the kids! Not sure what the solution is. They seem to hate us. They are not open to hearing anything we have to say.”
“I have asked them to not say anything negative and they just disregard it and say things, sometimes even in front of the kids!”
“I have stopped going to the kids’ events on my own—I used to go alone on days my husband works—and I no longer go to pickup and dropoff. I only go to events when my husband and I can go together.”
“My husband works shift work, so I would go to sports and other events solo because I love and support my stepchildren. 9 out of 10 times they confront me. And 9 out of 10 of those times it is by making back-handed or rude comments to me.”
“The kids have witnessed it and sometimes they haven’t. I have now stopped going to events alone. Which crushes me, but I just can’t handle these interactions anymore. Especially now that I am pregnant.”
“But I would like to go to these things so it is disappointing. I just want to be there and support my stepkids.”
“These confrontations have been if I am by myself—like I step away to stand in line for a snack during a game, or I pick up the kids because I am in the area, or I am waiting for my husband to arrive to an event.”
“Every time I am alone the ex-wife or stepmom forces an interaction with me. They have told the kids that I am the bad one because I won’t talk to their stepmom.”
“I have gone with friends as backup and they have been witness to it. Most of these forced interactions are in public. I am left berated, processing what was said to me.”
“They don’t care if people see or hear or even if the kids see or hear. The kids have left crying before from what they’ve done. It has made no difference.”
“We have documented and the judge has told them to knock it off.”
“The stepmom is way more involved than she should be, in my opinion.”
“From what I hear from the kids, she is the one calling all of the shots in their house, even about custody. She apparently writes all the messages to my husband on the app.”
“We all do love them! I tell them that of course. They have four parents who love and care for them.”
“My friends and family think I should talk to them for the sake of the kids. But they are not the ones in the situation.”
“I want to do the right thing for the kids, but I also don’t want to feel anxious every time I am alone in their vicinity.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I believe I might be the a**hole because I’ve refused to communicate directly with my husband’s ex-wife’s wife. My decision to avoid her could be seen as prioritizing my feelings over the overall dynamic of co-parenting for the sake of the kids.”
“By cutting off communication with her, I may have made it harder for everyone to work together effectively, which could indirectly affect the kids. I wonder if I should try harder to rise above her behavior for the sake of keeping things smoother for the children.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She’s obviously very high conflict and talking to her is nothing but stressful. There’s no reason to deal with her at all.” ~ CeramicSavage
“NTA. Sounds wise to go low/no contact with them. They aren’t co-parenting. They are bullying you because they can. Consider getting a mediated parenting plan that is legally tied up properly.”
“And a parenting communication app that includes all four of you, so everyone communicates through the court-ordered app, and it notes tone and insults. Will sort a lot of the nonsense out.”
“While you are at it, warn the therapist that the ex/ex’s wife is ramping up alienation and you want a good relationship with your stepkids, can the therapist help facilitate this.” ~ Particular-Try5584
“NTA. Let your husband be the point of contact with them. They’re only pissed off because they’ve enjoyed trying to belittle and bully you and you’ve cut them off.”
“Also, sounds like jealousy with you being a lot younger and now pregnant.” ~ Adventurous-Smile251
“NTA. Hubby should speak with his attorney. You have proof in the app. What the ex-wife and her partner are doing to him is parental alienation, and that is considered abuse. Not to mention violating court-ordered custody.
“If ex-wife and her partner keep doing that with you, they will also alienate your stepdaughter from her little half-sibling. Past time for the court orders to include you and the stepmom.” ~ Puppiesmommy
“It sounds like you’re a surrogate for the ex-wife and her wife. The court order doesn’t allow them to publicly berate and harass your husband, so they attack you instead. By ignoring them, you’re refusing to allow them to use you to get at your husband—which is making them even madder.”
“NTA. Monitored communication like the app is the only possibility with people like this. They aren’t interested in any sort of positive interactions.”
“Tell the courts you need the custodial agreement to include you and the stepmother because of well-documented harassment. No contact outside the app for anyone except in the new court ordered family therapy with everyone.”
“If their excuse is the need to communicate, then them refusing therapy as a group—a controlled environment where they can’t just scream louder to ‘win’—will prove they only want to bully and harass, not communicate.”
“And, I don’t know about your local laws, but in my home state, if the other party is creating the problem, your motion to the court can request they pay your legal and therapy fees.” ~ MohawMais
The OP provided a small update.
“I have been documenting it. Also, I recorded them once, and it worked—they walked away from me.”
“It is hard to remember to do this when they approach me. It’s like I have to be prepared for a forced interaction. I am not equipped like that. I freeze in these moments.”
“I am working on it with my therapist!”
“We are reaching out to our lawyer tomorrow.”
Recording, documenting, and following up through the legal system is probably the OP’s only productive recourse.
Neither they nor their husband can force two adults to behave appropriately. It is time for the court to step in again.