Being sick is no fun.
And when a person is going through major medical issues, all the help possible is needed and appreciated.
But help is offered or asked for.
When some assume help is a given, it can turn some people off.
Redditor oldladylife wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not participating in the meal train?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I got a text from a friend on Sunday saying she’d had a sudden abdominal surgery."
"She also sent me a link to a meal train for her family of five."
"I asked her how she’s healing today, and again sent me the meal train sign-up."
"They are gluten-free."
"This is a friend I was closer to 20 years ago, but now we get together once every few months."
"I don’t know her husband or kids enough to know their likes and dislikes."
"I’m single and work 40+ hours per week, yet still live paycheck to paycheck."
"This friend has both parents and in-laws right here, as well as two adult sisters."
"I don’t really have time for this."
"My sister, who has had a couple of c-sections, thinks the whole idea is ludicrous, that a friend is reaching with this request."
"Her husband or their teenagers are capable of throwing something in the oven."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Well, Reddit, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Barf! The audacity."
"She has a husband, and her kids are teenagers."
"If they don’t know how to cook, then they can just order takeout."
"Plus gluten-free is very expensive."
"Ignore her." ~ Ok_Tonight_3703
"And to expect someone to be able to ensure no gluten cross-contamination is unreasonable for a one-off meal like this."
"In a hypothetical situation where someone requires me to cook them a gluten-free meal, I immediately think about needing to deep clean my oven, microwave, buy a new cutting board and cooking utensils (we mostly use bamboo and other wood boards and cooking utensils, and they're definitely gluten-free), and purchasing pre-approved ingredients."
"I don't think 'I'll just buy some gluten-free pasta and that's it!' I think about the bare minimum I'd need to do to not accidentally gluten someone with celiac disease." ~ anclwar
"Gluten-free is not necessarily expensive - although the flour and pre-prepared food pretending to be 'wheat-based' is."
"Rice and (red) lentils with some herbs and veggies thrown in is cheap and cheerful, and pretty easy to keep gluten-free as long as you watch out for whatever is in the seasonings."
"It's also dead easy to make with a pressure cooker if you use brown rice."
"So easy, the family should be able to do it themselves." ~ anonymous_for_this
"NTA. She has a large support network; she doesn't need to rely on friends she may see a couple of times a year to feed her family of five."
"Just stop reaching out to her to ask how she's doing, and don't respond to the request."
"If she pushes it later, like a 'Oh, I noticed you didn't participate.'"
"I'd reply with 'I can't afford to feed a family of five. I hope your recovery went well otherwise!'" ~ Discount_Mithral
"I agree with this except not reaching out."
"I think you should check in with her and see how she’s healing and even offer to visit as long as that would be what you would normally do."
"You should also politely decline her invitation for the meal train."
"Just say it’s not something you can do at this time, but you wish her a full and speedy recovery."
"I recently had a friend who had surgery, and I’m not in the position to do much, but I figured out I already have a book I can drop by her house with a note." ~ DazzlingNote1925
"She has a spouse, teen kids, and other family around?"
"Why does she need additional help? NTA." ~ Humble_Pen_7216
"NTA - Organizing your own meal train is just as tacky as organizing your own baby or wedding shower."
"Instead of a gift, grab it's a food grab."
"You were kind enough to check on her, and that's all you need to do."
"Also, as a Celiac who has been gluten free 13 years, I don't want just anyone making me gluten-free food."
"Some people have really good intentions, but not so safe food practices, or a bad understanding of cross-contamination."
"I broke my ankle during COVID and was lucky enough to have some friends and members of my church bring me food."
"Most of them were very careful to ask what places were safe for me."
"I definitely appreciated their kindness, but I certainly wasn't expecting it with my dietary restrictions." ~ BluffCityTatter
"I love a meal train, and my family has gotten some even though we were all adults."
"The difference?"
"Someone else made it and sent it around."
"We had no involvement."
"Community can be beautiful, but you can't force it." ~ Mysterious_Bird5353
"This!"
"I have a friend who had a double-mastectomy."
"As friends, we all got together and told her that we’re bringing meals to the house and what day we each had."
"She said no."
"We did it anyway."
"That’s how friends roll." ~ Yukonkimmy
"I’ve only had a meal train once."
"I was 42 and had just had my second child after a C-section."
"It was a once-a-week type thing."
"I mean, it was extended because my husband died a month after the baby was born, so friends and coworkers kept it going to help us out."
"But obviously, that was an unexpected twist, but luckily, we had no restrictions, so it was pretty easy for people to send food for me and my four-year-old."
"It’s a meal train to help out, not take over responsibility, right?" ~ Pizzaputabagelonit
"NTA, her husband TEENS can fix their own meals!"
"She is acting like her husband can't do anything, and if he truly doesn't, that's sad, but it's on them, not you."
"They also have their parents to help them."
"Don't participate in that, and I doubt you are the only one saying this is crazy and not doing it." ~ Stock-Box778
"We did a meal train for a friend with cancer, you know, because chemo is a hell of a lot longer than the recovery from abdominal surgery, with a husband, teenagers, and parents around."
"The family unit can handle it. NTA." ~ Kebar8
"NTA. This is weird to me."
"My family had a meal train once when I was in a coma, and they were all constantly there."
"When friends and family learned they were living on hospital food and sleeping in waiting rooms, they helped make some better things for them that could be eaten there."
"But my family didn't EXPECT this or demand it?"
"That's so entitled."
"Meal trains are an offering."
"A gift if you have time or money to do so."
"But to demand it... it's really odd." ~ unicornhair1991
"There is absolutely no way I would cook for someone who was gluten-free."
"Not in my kitchen, that is completely contaminated with gluten from top to bottom."
"I wouldn't risk it."
"And I can't imagine someone who is gluten-free throwing out meal train requests like this, expecting everyone to educate themselves and being confident enough that she would be able to eat their food and that they hadn't messed up something."
\"Being that pushy about the meal train is already bad enough, but doing so when you're gluten-free and expecting you to do all the labor of figuring out how to safely cook for her?"
"Absolutely not." ~ PasgettiMonster
"NTA... who the hell starts a meal train for themselves?"
"Honestly, I think most meal train situations shouldn't even be meal train situations."
"Like having preplanned surgery and another fully capable adult in the house."
"Meal prep and freeze food. Have the other grown-up do some cooking."
"Order groceries to be delivered." ~ Broken-Ice-Cube
"NTA. I had someone do this, but she specifically requested that people not cook for her and that they had a list of restaurants they enjoyed for you to order takeout/delivery from."
"It was essentially a sign-up sheet, and instructions were to drop off the food at the front door and not knock."
"Sorry, but I don’t support that- I’m not spending $100+ for a relationship we don’t have." ~ bloodredyouth
"It seems very odd for someone to ask for free meals for themselves."
"Surely these things are usually organized by friends who know of their need?"
"An in any case, if she's got teenagers, a husband, plus parents and in-laws and adult siblings, surely she has plenty of support?"
"Of course, if you can't afford to feed a family of five on your budget (which sounds like the case), you needn't sign up."
"But it sounds like there are plenty of other reasons not to sign up." ~ SavingsRhubarb8746
NTAOP returned to clarify a few things:
"1.) This friend LOVES attention and has a flair for the dramatics, so this happening is her time to milk the situation for pity."
"I do have sympathy for her."
"2.) Her husband and teenage sons are smart and capable enough to put chicken nuggets and fries in the oven."
"They are kind and helpful."
"3.) She’s never been very domesticated herself."
"Cooking is not her passion, to say the least."
"4.) The husband has the gluten issues."
"She just finds it easier to eat the same way."
"5.) If it weren’t for the gluten-free demand, I’d make them a huge pan of my ziti."
"Something like that, I can absolutely swing financially, easily. "
"I love to cook, but admittedly am naive on G[luten]-F[ree] lifestyles."
"6.) Many of her friends have signed up, and they have dinners set up well into next weekend.
Reddit understands why you're upset, OP.
Your friend has all the help she needs.
Send a card, some flowers.
Leave train at the station.
It's time for her kids to learn how to cook.
