When people become parents, some necessary changes must be made to their home.
Specifically, they need to "baby-proof" it so their child stays out of harm's way.
They might need to hide or even remove some things that are not exactly meant for children's eyes.
Things get a bit more complicated for those who remain childless, but who are otherwise surrounded by family and friends with children.
Children who frequently visit their homes.
Redditor NataliaVolkova frequently hosted their family at their home, and their brother and his family were soon to pay a visit.
However, ahead of his visit, the original poster (OP)'s brother requested that they change something about their home.
A change that the OP was completely unwilling to make.
Wondering if they were wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to take down a semi-nude painting before children visit my home?"
The OP explained why they were unwilling to oblige their brother's request:
"Background: I commissioned a large painting of myself many years ago."
"It’s a reference to the Narcissus myth, so I am lying on my stomach, naked, looking into a pond."
"My breasts are not at all visible, since they are covered by my arms/hair/ just the nature of the pose."
"You also can’t see my butt, it’s just the hip area."
"So while it is technically 'nude', you just see arms, side, hip, legs, and feet."
"I have this hanging in my living room."
"Context: my immediate family is all very Catholic, except for me."
"Each of my siblings has 5 children, all under the age of 10."
"My brother texted me a few weeks ago to make a plan for Easter, since our sister was going to her in-laws."
"I offered to host at my house, and he accepted."
"Last night, he texted me saying our parents had mentioned I have the painting up in my living room, and he asked if I was planning to take it down when they come over."
"I said no because I had left it up when my sister had visited with her kids a few weeks ago, and no one said anything."
"He then asked if I would take it down, and I said no."
"Then he asked why not, and said 'some things aren’t appropriate for young kids to see'.”
"I don’t think it‘s inappropriate - it’s not pornographic or sexual."
"Sure, it’s technically 'nude', but many works of religious art have the same or higher level of nudity."
"I said as much to him, and he said that he doesn’t believe it’s appropriate for his kids to see, and if I won’t take it down, he’s not coming."
"I‘m thinking of just telling him, fine, don’t come, but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable."
"So AITA if I refuse to take it down?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to remove their painting ahead of their brother's visit.
Most agreed that the OP had the right to do whatever they wanted in their own home, even if some sort of understanding where the OP's brother was coming from, and felt a compromise could be made:
"NTA with a pinch of salt."
"I don’t think you are wrong here; you get to decide how you decorate your place, but I do think you might be missing an angle in this discussion."
"It’s true that the painting isn’t salacious or overly exposing, but it is of you nude, which adds a level of familiarity that is absent from historic religious works of art."
"Perhaps that familiarity makes it a little too uncomfortable for your brother."
"Seeing his sister and letting his kids see his sister depicted as nude, even tastefully, could be reasonably uncomfortable for him to navigate."
"Again, I don’t think you’re wrong here, just wanted to share an angle that might help you understand his perspective more."- PugRexia
"NTA."
"But it is a hilarious move to commission a painting of yourself as Narcissus."
"At least you're self-aware?"- Infinite_Escape9683
"I do think it’s weird you commissioned a nude-ish painting of yourself looking at yourself and then hung it up on your living room so you can look at yourself looking at yourself."
"But you’re NTA."- ApprehensiveLab2290
"NTA."
"Take down the picture."
"Replace it with prints of classic art with full nudity."- CreatrixAnima
"Group text everyone who's possibly coming over and give them your reality on this issue."
"Let it land where it lands."
"NTA , enjoy your space."- winnerswinperiod04
"NTA."
"But very interesting choice to pay to have a painting of yourself based on the origin of narcissism in your living room."- the_elephant_stan
"The irony of having a painting of yourself in your living room based on Narcissus is just too on-the-nose, but not my pig, not my farm, and all that."
"I'm not redecorating my house over someone's weird religious sexual hang-ups."
"NTA."- DropstoneTed
"NTA."
"Your house, your rules, brother is making a big deal out of nothing."- splorby
"NTA."
"But I am highly entertained at the irony of having a painting done of yourself in that subject matter."- flatgreysky
"NTA."
"It sounds very benign, and not something that’s going to really register with kids other than 'cool'."
"IMO."
"One of my father’s colleagues covered the abstract line drawing of a nude figure* that my father had hung in the common area of a shared office (with permission.)"
"It had been up for over a year, and it wasn’t until a student commented about how much they loved it, that the other professor realized it was a 'nude' and taped newspaper over it in protest/for modesty."
"My father tried to talk to the other professor about it, but he refused to engage, and my father ultimately took it down when it became too much of a distraction having a 4’x3’ framed work covered with newspaper in their shared space."
"My father would later be the only professor that supported the head of the art department when one of his shows was cancelled for being 'inappropriate', and helped him with his court case."
"*it had been up in our house for years when I was a child, and while on some level I knew it was a nude, it was far more interesting for all the shapes created and in no way “titillating” or overt."- buck_godot
There were some who somewhat more firmly took the brother's side, feeling it wasn't so much that the OP had a nude painting in their house, but had a nude painting of themself:
"It's not inappropriate for children to see art depicting bodies."
"Americans and religious Christian Americans especially are really uptight about seeing skin."
"But it's super super weird to have a Catholic family over for Easter dinner while a giant semi-nude portrait of yourself is on the wall."
"Like, I don't think you're in the wrong, decorate your house in the way that makes you happy."
"But if I were in your shoes I'd want to put away the portrait just to avoid the exact sort of interpersonal issue you're facing now."
"Not for the kids' benefit, but for your own peace so you don't get more flak from your prudish adult family members."
"NAH."- chameleonsEverywhere
"NAH."
"It is your house, and you're not required to redecorate to suit your guests."
"But they are not your children, and it is not up to you to decide what is appropriate for them to see."
"He isn't insisting you take it down, he is informing you that his RSVP is conditional, and that's fair."
"He's not objecting to the painting in general, and it's not a comment on you in any way."
"It's about how HE wants to raise HIS kids."
"Obviously your sister DID say something to your parents, just not to you."
"And it's possible that your sister's children said something to HER."
"I think you should take a photo of the painting and send it to your brother."
"That way you have a common understanding, instead of your parents' opinion of something your sister saw."
"And then decide if either of your opinions is worth dividing the family over."- 1962Michael
"I'm going a bit against the grain and saying NAH for this situation."
"It's your house, you should be allowed to decorate how you want."
"And the piece doesn't sound pornographic."
"However, I don't think this is about the kids so much as it is your brother just not wanting to be forced to picture you in the nude."
"Which I also think is valid."- KlickWitch
While a few others felt the OP was a little on the obstinate side:
"YTA because this is such a petty hill to die on. Is it really that difficult to take a painting down from the wall for one day, if your brother asked?"
"Is that painting being on the wall for a day more important than your brother's request?"
"Would your family not seeing that semi-nude painting of yourself be such a big issue?"- TisBeTheFuk
Upon reading the responses from the Reddit community, the OP later returned with an update on how they planned on proceeding:
"I really was not expecting this much engagement."
"I appreciate the various perspectives offered here, and while many of you said 'your home, your rules', I have offered to cover the painting while they are visiting."
Should the OP's brother ever be taken to a museum or gallery, they will undoubtedly one day see a painting of someone in the nude.
Should the OP's nephew need to grow up with an image of them in the nude, however, is a fair question.
Leading the OP to what everyone will hopefully consider a fair compromise.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.