What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine is the recipe for relationship success, right?
Not really. Yes, sharing some things is critical to a healthy relationship, but so is some autonomy.
Boundaries are healthy in all relationships, but what if your partner ignores them?
A Redditor in a decade long relationship turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over his partner’s boundary breaking.
Ever_More_Art asked:
“AITA for throwing out a piece of art my boyfriend ruined?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Two years ago I saw an original watercolor piece that I liked and I contacted the artist and bought it. When the piece arrived, I sought a frame for it, but I hadn’t been able to find a frame for that size every time I went to the store.”
“They were all too big or too small. So I just kept the piece in an envelope in my desk, I would sometimes look at it, remember I had to find a frame for it, but would later forget again.”
“Work, family and life leaves little time to devote to thinking about a frame for a painting and I don’t have any framing businesses near me, so that wasn’t an option either.”
“Today my boyfriend of 10+ years is dusting and comes out of the office showing me the painting on a spare frame he had been using for something else. I ask him if that frame is 9×12.”
“He tells me it’s 8×10, that he had to cut a piece off the artwork to make it fit.”
“When I look at it, the piece went from a centralized composition to having the composition indented to the left side because he cut all whole inch on that side to save the artist’s signature which was on the extreme opposite end.”
“For reference, imagine if you cut the Mona Lisa to the point where her head is no longer in the center. When he notices I’m perplexed, he nonchalantly tells me that the painting was in an envelope anyway, and it’s better if it’s out so we can see it.”
“I get mad because this is not the first time he has taken something of mine and given it away, offered it to someone, or just not asked and done whatever he wants with it.”
“His mother does the same thing with his things at her house. In their family, if you’re not using something, anyone can do with it as they please.”
“I explained to him, in my family, you don’t do anything with other people’s stuff.”
“I have a tendency to ruminate on thoughts, so I try not to engage in negative emotions because then I just can’t let go of them and I cycle and cycle through them and it makes my life miserable, and I have to devote a lot of energy to get me back to normal.”
“Every time I looked at the framed painting, I felt a new wave of sadness, anger and frustration ripple over me. So I took the frame down, took the painting out of it, ripped it into four pieces and threw it in the garbage.”
“When my boyfriend saw it, he was shocked and visibly hurt. I get that his intentions were good, but he ruined a piece of art that was not his to begin with.”
“Now it’s awkward at home because I’m still fuming and he’s sad.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I threw out a piece of art that my boyfriend ruined while thinking he was making something good out of it.”
“My boyfriend now feels terrible and guilty because in my anger I tore the ruined piece and threw it in the garbage.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“He was visibly sad? Him? The butcherer of the art?”
“NTA. No, babe. He’s careless to the point of negligence and doesn’t know how to use a brain. Or… he did this maliciously. To make you okay with his tendency to do shit like this. Bright. Red. Flags.”
“I’m furious for you. You felt attached to this piece of art and kept it safe. You’ve been hunting for a way to display it, but only if you could find the perfect way to do so.”
“There was no rush. The frame would speak to you when it was time. But he not only destroyed the piece of art you loved, but he ruined the experience around it.”
“This speaks to his character, and if he doesn’t understand why this was an unspeakable offense, I would dump him yesterday. I could not live a life filled with so much disregard.” ~ Pterodactyl_Noises
“It’s such an unnecessary risk for him to take. Why wouldn’t he just bring his idea to crop it to OP first and at least give them the opportunity to approve it or not?”
“Based on the fact that he’s now sulking, I think he’s just a dingus that’s clueless about art and composition.” ~ Puzzled-Heart9699
“I am an artist and often paint with watercolor. My soul left my body when I read what the boyfriend did. NTA.” ~ Weird_Bluebird_3293
“Yeah. I feel if he really gave a sh*t about OP, he would’ve paid more attention and bought them a proper sized frame as a holiday or birthday gift not too long after OP purchased the piece.” ~ Snow_Crash_Bandicoot
“I’m neither clueless about art or composition, and have personally done this with a few prints I wanted to frame differently than intended, but I’d never do it with an original, and certainly not one that didn’t belong to me.
“That said, I really have a feeling the boyfriend was trying to be helpful, and is just a dumba**. NTA, OP.” ~ Winter_Cat-78
“A dingus he may be, but he’s also an a**hole for taking something that doesn’t belong to him, cutting it, and damaging it, and then being all sulky when OP’s mad at him about it.”
“This guy will never change. OP’s stuff is his stuff, apparently, and he feels like he can do whatever he wants with it, if OP doesn’t actually have it in their hot little hand.”
“It may be due to his family background, who knows? But it isn’t right and it isn’t something he should ever be doing. NTA.” ~ LonelyOwl68
“As an artist my jaw literally fell open at the callous and thoughtless act of hacking up an original painting. It’d be bad enough if he folded the extra back, but this is beyond the pale.”
“The boyfriend should have at least asked if that was okay since his comments imply he wanted to see it as well, but OP should NOT feel sorry for him.”
“OP, NTA. Seriously reconsider if you want to stay with someone who doesn’t respect your property (and comes from a family with the same lack of respect).”
“Don’t do this to yourself, back out now before it gets worse.” ~ Sheanar
“Yeah, seriously. I once sliced a few mm off some watercolors of mine to fit them into frames, but like, those were MINE and I could decide what to do with them.
“I’d never do that to someone else’s work, especially not if it belonged to someone else too… like WTF. NTA.” ~ ketita
“NTA. My mom was this way. Anything not in your hands was considered fair game. I had collectible sports figurines , cards(think rookie Shaq and shiny Charizard), and comic books.”
“She said they could stay at her house. Later, I went to retrieve them for our much larger home, just to find that she’d been giving them away or letting kids she babysat play with them.” ~ BartholomewVonTurds
“I think his thought process could’ve been something like ‘oh, I know my significant other has been looking to have this framed for a while, I’ll just do it for them!’. And then proceeded to do it in the most out there, ridiculous, worst way possible.”
“OP is understandably upset. Their boyfriend could be doing it maliciously, but I think he’s just not the brightest lightbulb of the batch. NTA, though.” ~ ninetyninewyverns
“Yeah, let’s not ascribe to malice what could just be a case of raw, unbridled stupid.” ~ No_Astronaut3059
“You’re NTA. You’re human, and you acted emotionally. For healthy communication and to avoid this occurring again, this would ideally be the catalyst for a much bigger conversation.”
“For the sake of argument, let’s say he was trying to be helpful and do something kind. This is why he might be hurt by your response.”
“I don’t have the full context of your relationship to know if these types of conversations have happened before, but if not, I would recommend:”
“Acknowledge his attempt to be thoughtful and thank him for that.”
“Dive directly into the issue. It isn’t that he cut the artwork. It’s that he made a permanent decision about something that didn’t belong to him without consulting you first. The issue is boundaries and respect.”
“Let him know how it makes you feel when he doesn’t do this.”
“Set clear expectations moving forward: before making any decisions of any kind about giving away or changing things that belong to you, he must discuss his ideas with you. Your decision must be the final say.”
“Let him know that you will do the same with his belongings—as you undoubtedly already do.”
“Ask for a verbal agreement to this, and give him space to ask questions and to provide examples of times he may not have followed this expectation in the past.”
“If his intentions were truly good, and he is a reasonable person, this conversation will cause him to reflect and, hopefully, change his actions moving forward.”
“If he argues with you, makes you the bad guy, or continues to repeat these actions—you need to get out. The problem of disrespect will become much larger and impact your long-term relationship.” ~ Professional_Day1038
The OP provided a brief update.
“I followed what you all said.”
“He sat and let me speak my piece. He heard everything and then apologized.”
“His intention was to do me a favor. I’m more at peace now.”
With almost a decade together, this relationship doesn’t sound like it’s going to end over one incident.
But hopefully some understanding of personal boundaries can be achieved.