Money is one of the leading causes of stress in a relationship.
Whether it’s sharing it, spending it, saving it, or not having it, couples sometimes find their relationships straining over how much they have left in their wallets.
One Redditor, “hjelder,” found herself wondering what to do next when she discovered how much money her boyfriend was secretly spending on gaming and went looking for help on the “Relationship Advice” subReddit.
The Redditor asked the thread:
“I just found out my boyfriend spent over $1000 on an app. What would you do?”
She explained she and her boyfriend were on vacation when she made the discovery.
“Last weekend, my boyfriend (23) and I (21) went on vacation for his birthday.”
“We had a really good time but I got really concerned when my boyfriend who works 60 hours a week making $16/hour couldn’t pay for his portion of the hotel room and asked me to spot him till payday.”
Tensions were high, since he makes more money than her but claimed he couldn’t split the bill.
“This kind of upset me cause I hardly work as it is cause I’m getting screwed with hours at work due to [the pandemic]. Unfortunately, I had to take what little savings I had to pay for it even though he has over $3000 in his savings and just wouldn’t use it to pay his half.”
“Additionally when I asked him where his money went – he responded with ‘it’s all in savings’ (he got paid $1200 a week before the trip). Additionally, he has no car payment, pays $50 for phone and $50 for car insurance and $400 in rent….”
“So why didn’t you have the $150 for the hotel I’ve been telling you about for 3 weeks??”
While trying to go to sleep, she made the discovery while quieting his phone.
“Well, last night while he was sleeping his phone kept going off because of his stupid game.”
“So I got up to close all his apps and turn the volume down – when I went to close his apps I noticed a screenshot in his camera roll of $1322.”
“I clicked on the picture and it also had a portion of his purchase history on it that stated he has spent over $200 in a 2 day period while we were on vacation.”
“So instead of paying his half of the hotel bill – he spent it all on his game on his phone.”
The Redditor is upset at what this might mean for the future.
“I’m truthfully VERY butt hurt because we are expecting a baby come Feb and he only works 30 hour weeks between October and March.”
“I’m SO scared that he isn’t going to support us the way he keeps promising…”
“He wants me to be a stay at home mom next year and I don’t think that’ll happen if he continues to spend over $1000 every month on a dang APP.”
“We don’t share money, we split everything in half but I don’t understand that when I asked if he spends money on the game app why he would lie and also lie about where his money went while on vacation.”
The Redditor turned to the thread, hoping for advice on what to do.
“Am I in the wrong for being hurt? Is it wrong that I have a hard time trusting him?”
“Thanks in advance for making it this far. I know its kinda silly but I just don’t know how you can spend over $1000 on an APP.”
“What would you do? Would you confront him? Is [this none] of my business even though we are getting ready to have a kid?”
Many confirmed she was not wrong for being hurt over the situation.
“Wow that’s messed up more so because he was doing it behind your back and didn’t even want to dip into his savings. That alone would make me p**sed and feel a little inadequate. Bring it up to him and see what he says. Just out of curiosity what app was it?” – iamcgome
“You say you split everything down the middle but you obviously don’t. If he is going to do this before the baby, he is going to do it worse after the baby is born I’m afraid.”
“What happens when he spent money on the app and doesn’t have money for nappies? He knew exactly what expenditure was coming and spent it recklessly on a game. He seems to be really bad with money and also very selfish.”
“Why do you need to touch your savings for him? You definitely need to confront him but be prepared for some extreme defensive behaviour. Be careful and also be prepared. Make sure you do not rely on him for anything financial.” – OutrageousParsnip
“Yes you are justified and it’s worthy of discussion but 99% sure this will quickly turn into a fight about you snooping on his phone. This needs to set the table for an overall financial discussion.”
“If he wants you to be a stay-at-home mom, the discussion should be what is the financial plan, budget, etc.”
“You also need to be assured that before you don’t work you’re on the same sheet of music. There’s a high probability that he thinks he will get to do what he wants with his income and you don’t get a vote. Will you get money to spend how you see fit?”
“When someone tells you who they are through actions… believe them.” – thearmchairtherapist
Some said it would be best to move on from the relationship after making this discovery.
“He is not going to support you the way he keeps promising. If he planned on making a true and honorable commitment to the stability and well-being of you and your child, he’d have invested in marriage, savings, and possibly a house, not an app.”
“It’s not about the money; it’s about priorities. Nothing about his actions suggests that you or the child are the things he prioritizes.” – quentinian
“Don’t give him anymore money ever again. And don’t ever marry him.” – BrownandBlonde
“It just shows that immature and irresponsible. I don’t believe in telling people what to do with their money, but he stiffed you over a fucking phone game!”
“I’d ask him to pay you back for starters. And if it were me, I would leave him after he did. That’s just me though. I couldn’t be with somebody that irresponsible with money.” – SwingingOnATire
Others agreed and went so far as to suggest she should rethink having a baby, too.
“Not wrong for being hurt. This is a slippery and dark path you are traveling. He is unable to handle money and is an overpromiser and underdeliverer. You clearly cannot depend on him. Anyone would have a hard time trusting him.”
“I would STRONGLY reconsider the kid. This path leads to poverty, fights, and suffering.”
“To have a happy family with a child, you need full dedication from both parents. You need trust and dedication. He doesn’t deserve the first and clearly doesn’t have the second. God, he wants you to be a stay at home mom? With a money spending problem?? Don’t trust it.”
“Look up the avg cost of raising a child. For a child born in 2013 in a middle income family in the US, it costs $300k (adjusted for inflation) to raise the kid to 18yo.”
“It is harder when you do not have that money. Harder for you, harder for the kid, harder for the family.”
“Do what is right for yourself. If you need this kid, go into it knowing your life will be so much harder than it needs to be (but if the love is worth it, charge ahead!)”
“Otherwise, I would reconsider a child at this moment. Your boyfriend is clearly unprepared. There a lot of things you can do unprepared, even kids, but I promise it will be 100x harder if you are not prepared.” – abitoftheineffable
“I would seriously reconsider having a child right now. Neither of you sound ready at all. He may just be an id**t but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was gambling away all that money on games out of unmanaged stress over impending fatherhood.”
“If that is the case, I imagine it will get a lot worse as time progresses. Not saying that’s an excuse but no one with their head on straight does stuff like this.”
“That said you can always sue him for child support. If he does not pay after being ordered by the court, they will garnish his wages (court takes your child support out of his check before he even gets it).”
“But you do run the risk of him fleeing and hiding his wages from the gov in which case you’ll be relying on yourself. Nonetheless going into early motherhood without a career or legitimate partner is not an easy route. I would think long and hard if this is the future you want for yourself.” – Ashamed_SkirtSuit
How a person approaches this situation is going to vary from one to the next. But one thing is certain—a conversation about priorities needs to be had.
Depending on how that goes, the Redditor will have answers for what to do next. Whether she is comfortable with those answers or not is anybody’s guess.