Every now and then, we've all resorted to making threats.
Most of the time, we know that we won't follow through with these threats, and they are mostly used as a way to shut someone up or ensure something gets done.
That being said, when our ultimate goals of these threats are not accomplished, we might find ourselves needing to make these threats a reality.
Often, much to the surprise of the one we threatened.
Redditor Equal-Airport671 often found themself frustrated when going out to dine with their wife.
As a result, the original poster (OP) ended up giving their wife an ultimatum of sorts.
An ultimatum that the OP's wife never fully expected they would actually follow through with.
Worried they may have overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors.
"AITA for refusing to share my food with my wife after she repeatedly orders food she doesn't like?"
The OP explained why they remained resolute with a policy they inflicted upon their wife:
"We're a working couple in our late 20s."
"Often come home late, around 7 PM, so we regularly dine out, like 2 times a week."
"Our country has hundreds of dishes, so we're never out of options."
"I prefer ordering familiar items and try something new only when it looks too tempting."
"I'm a sensitive eater (not picky) as I've strong sensory sensitivity."
"I get nauseous easily if I eat or smell something I don't like."
"My wife is totally opposite."
"Half of the time, she tries something new and orders things just by reading their names."
"Mostly, she doesn't even know what her order looks like."
"And mostly, the food she tries isn'tas good as our comfort food."
"So after 2-4 bites, she asks me to split and share each other's food."
"I always hesitate doing that due to my different food habits as mentioned above."
"She's aware of my nature but asks me to share anyway."
"It's been 3 times in a row, the food she ordered came out totally bad, and I had to give up on half of my food to compensate for it, as usual."
"Being fed up, recently I clearly told her that I won't be sharing food from now on and whatever she orders, it's all up to her even if it doesn't come out good."
"She agreed in a low voice."
"Now, yesterday, the same thing happened again, and she casually made the same gesture of sharing food."
"I said no, mentioning our recent talk about it."
"She had to finish it all; it spoiled her mood, and she got passive-aggressive the rest of the evening."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**Hole for refusing to share their food with their wife.
Everyone agreed that the OP gave their wife fair warning, and if her attempts at being adventurous continued not to pay off, then she needed to start being more careful about the food she ordered:
"NTA."
"My husband is one who orders comfort food."
"I try new things (why have spaghetti at an Italian place when we can have it at home)."
"The only thing is that even if I don't like what I got, I eat it."
"I might not finish my plate but I don't take from someone else."
"Please OP, stop sharing with her."
"Tell her she is an adult and as such, can deal with the consequences of ordering something new."-Silver_Mind_7441
"NTA."
"This would annoy the shit out of me."- meteors77
"NTA."
"She's an adult, and not behaving like one."
"Being passive aggressive about it is also very childish."
'She's not respecting you or caring for your feelings and needs anywhere near as close to as she's expecting you to do for her."- analogascension
"NTA."
"I hate when people do what your wife does."
"Stand your ground."- Huntress145
"NTA."
"I bet the only reason she risks ordering random food is that she always had your food as a backup."
"If it were me and I ordered something I didn't like, I wouldn't dream of taking anything of my partner's unless offered."
"If I messed up it's on me."
"I'd just either wait what I ordered to avoid waste, or if it was really that inedible, I'd just make myself something."- Leigeofgoblins
"NTA."
"I'd be super annoyed by that."
"Tell her you can only split if you order two dishes you both like, or she can order a backup one (and pay for it herself) if she needs to try something new every time."- saddiebabbie
"NTA."
"What a ridiculous waste of money."
"She might as well order nothing, you order two of what you get and she just eat that."
"Even little kids aren't allowed to waste food and money like this."
"Have you ever asked her why she's so invested in this ridiculously wasteful habit that requires you to go partially hungry?"
"Its very obvious she sees your food as the backup for when she orders poorly."
"And this may even be some goofy 'test of caring/love' that is, again, a huge waste of money and food."
"You're nicer than me."
"I'd get petty randomly to show her how ridiculous it is and order the same gross thing as her or something even weirder."
"She'll probably go deer in headlights cause 'uh oh, no backup'."- Beneficial-Sort4795
"NTA."
"You had a discussion about it."
"She ignored it."
"That is just bad partnership all around."- DaVirus
"NTA."
"I always want to try new stuff, but that is the risk."
"Once, when traveling abroad with friends, nearly all my orders were not great."
"Granted, it was often because there weren't known options and my guesswork was poor."
"The three others always felt bad for me."
"I would just laugh, suck it up, and eat it."
"They obviously felt bad for me though."
"I may have also been eyeing their food."
"Eventually, out of the kindness of their hearts, they 'banned' me from choosing off menu and had me select my order from something one of them had already chosen."
"If you are a sensitive eater and she wants to share, here's the compromise I would suggest: you pick BOTH dishes."
"Or pick yours and then give her a couple other options she could pick that you'd be willing to share."
"Otherwise, you've made it clear: you won't be sharing your food, even if hers is not to her liking."-littl-jinx
"NTA."
"You set a boundary, she agreed to it, then ignored it the next time because she assumed you'd cave."
"That's not about food anymore, that's about respecting what you already discussed."
"You're not her backup meal plan."- Alice-003
"NTA."
"Sounds like a dumb situation."
"Me and my husband like to split meals when we go out as we get to so rarely."
"But it is always, Always a negotiation on what to get, so that we're both happy."
"If we can't agree (hardly ever happens) then we each pick our own dish and share a dessert."-Drag0ns_Shad0w
"NTA."
"She wants to try new things then that's what she does. She can't then expect to eat half of yours because she ordered something she didn't like, that's the risk."- Churchie-Baby
"NTA."
"Your wife is tripping."
"Why doesn't she just order what she's familiar with?"
"This is such odd childish behavior."
"And the sulking and passive aggression because you said 'no' needs to stop."
"Put your foot down every time she tries pulling this bullsnickle."
"Not to mention the amount of food and money you're throwing away."
"She needs to grow up and stop this nonsense."- SheLikesToWatch_1989
"I, as your wife, like to try out new dishes as often as possible."
"However, I also either take something I know I like or agree with my partner beforehand to split a more normal dish with me."
"You made clear you don't want to share NTA."- Black_Whisper
"NTA."
"She should respect your boundary and maybe try to take her time choosing what she wants from the menu, otherwise this'll keep happening."
"Another solution is for her to order the same thing as you."- Insomniacrushh
"NTA."
"She fafo'd that's all."
"She's probably mad at herself mostly."- tomhermans
"NTA."
"I'm notorious for picking new foods."
"I'm pretty adventurous and love trying new things."
"I'm a lot better than I used to be at picking out stuff I'll like, but sometimes it doesn't work out."
"I suck it up and eat it anyway."
"That's the risk I run trying new foods, and I have no problem with it."
"Your wife is entirely unreasonable."
"You were clear with her, and she obviously didn't believe you'd hold your boundary."
"The price for being adventurous is eating stuff you don't like sometimes."
"That, or she needs to order safe food as backup or make herself a freaking sandwich."
"Hopefully now that she knows you're serious, she'll make better choices in the future."- Famous-Upstairs998
We've all been brought up being taught that sharing is the kind thing to do.
Nor is it uncommon for people to share food when eating out.
That being said, it seems like the OP's wife only chooses to order adventurously, knowing that she'll have a safety net if she doesn't like what she ordered.
Seeing as that safety net kept leaving the OP with little to nothing to eat, it seems only fair that they finally lowered this net.
Hopefully resulting in their wife making better choices about what she orders.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp