With social media keeping pictures and memories public for an eternity, it can be difficult to move on from past relationships in this era.
A recent post to the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit showed how that can shake out.
The Original Poster (OP), who has since deleted their account, laid it out in their post title.
"AITA for asking my ex to remove pictures of us together from her social media?"
OP began with the backstory of an old love.
"Margaret and I dated for about 6 years. We had good times and bad times but in the end there were issues between is that I won't get into and we broke up."
"However, we stayed friends. It was mildly awkward at first but it became mostly okay after a while.
And OP has moved on.
"A while later I started dating a new woman named Sharron. We quickly fell in love."
"After dating for a long while I proposed and she said yes. I was incredibly happy."
"As we talked over some issues, Sharron mentioned that she didn't like that I had old pics of my ex and me still on social media."
"Most pics were fine but ones where we were kissing or cuddling made her uncomfortable."
OP took this to heart.
"I thought this was reasonable and deleted those pictures. But Sharron also was uncomfortable that they were on my exes account and a couple friends' accounts as well."
"I was hesitant but I politely asked those friends if they could remove the offending pictures."
"Most of the people I asked agreed, including an ex from before Margaret."
But not everyone.
"However, Margaret took issue with it."
"She accused Sharron of being jealous and said the pictures were treasured memories and she wouldn't remove them."
OP felt stuck.
"I tried to be as diplomatic as I could. I said most could stay as long as she removed the REALLY cuddley ones and the kissing ones."
"She agreed to remove the kissing ones but not the cuddly ones. Margaret also unfriended me and removed herself from a D&D group we attend together."
But things didn't end there.
"I've had a couple other friends of Margaret unfriend me and even block me. That is especially weird because they're people I didn't talk to about this at all (they didn't have any pics up so I didn't have to)."
"Also, Sharron's account got reported for fraud and she was locked out for a few days. It seemed malicious. Margaret claimed to know nothing about that and I believe her."
"So, all said and done... Am I the a**hole?"
OP later included a brief edit to anticipate some confusion among readers.
"I would like to clarify something many people are getting wrong. Sharron wasn't looking at other people's profiles."
"She was looking at my tagged photos. Also, she has never had a Facebook account until now so it's all pretty new to her (not sure if that's relevant info, but there it is).
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
A clear majority said OP was the a**hole.
They had a problem with Sharron's outlook.
"YTA - Your fiancée Sharron seems pretty insecure, TBH. I can understand asking you to remove old photos from social media, but that should be the end of it.
Asking your exes to do the same was way over the line. That's their call to make. Once Margaret said no, that should have been the end of it."
"People have histories. Everyone (or at least most people) have exes. Trying to erase them from social media doesn't mean they didn't happen."
"Your fiancée should just accept that both of you have had previous relationships and those are where they belong in the past. Now that you are engaged, you both should focus on the future and leave old relationships where they belong." -- dookle14
"YTA. Your relationship is over but the memories are still there. So your new gf is insecure and jealous. It's ridiculous to be jealous of pictures. I get she's jealous of the ex but neither of ye have the right to demand she take them down."
"You asked she answered. Accept it."
"Hang on, did you ask the ex before the ex also? Dude, get your missus in therapy. That's fu**ing riduclous and your missus needs serious therapy for her control and jealousy issues." -- MizPrend
"YTA Your new GF has been stalking your ex (and other people too by the sound of it) and uncovered pictures she wouldn't have seen otherwise. Sharron is a jealous, insecure AH and you're pandering to it."
"I get it's probably inappropriate for you to have pictures on your social media accounts, but other people's are none of your business and certainly not the jealous GF's. I think you were lucky that most people didn't tell you to 'get lost'." -- Neither_March4000
"You're current GF is the giant red flag. Red flag. Red flag!" -- bustabruisa
But a handful did say OP was not in the wrong.
"NTA. Your ex should absolutely keep the pictures in her private collection, but refusing to remove them from public pages is a violation of your privacy and consent."
"Isn't there an option to remove tags of you yourself? Worth some googling I suspect. Best of luck!" -- slinkygay
"NTA. I find it weird when you go on someone's Facebook and within 30 seconds of looking through their photos you can see them kissing someone else. Obviously you are all "grown ups" and you dated your ex for a while, but I don't think it's unreasonable of her to request the intimate photos be taken down."
"Also you could just remove the tag, and hide from your profile." -- anon_user33
"NTA. If you dont want pictures of yourself on accounts that arent yours, you have that right." -- bwbfb
So if OP goes with the majority, they'll have some rethinking to do. But the few that agreed with them may keep things up in the air.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.