As much as it might be nice to imagine families always being able to come together and work things out, sometimes family dynamics can be ugly.
This is especially true where there is divorce involved, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Paulozoo went through an ugly divorce with his wife, with whom he shared custody of their three teen children. His ex-wife had since remarried and had two teen stepchildren.
When she repeatedly showed favor for her stepchildren and even stole items from the Original Poster (OP) and their biological children, he decided to make a statement by calling the police.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for reporting my ex-wife and her husband to the police for stealing my property?"
The OP and his ex-wife shared custody of their three teens, while his ex also had two teen stepkids.
"My ex-wife (39 Female) and I (41 Male) share custody of our three children (16, 14, and 12) equally, and no child support is paid."
"Our marriage didn't end on the best of terms, and we communicate through an app only when required to for the sake of the kids."
"She has since remarried and has a 15-year-old stepchild and a 13-year-old stepchild. Her husband and I do not speak."
The OP's ex-wife repeatedly stole items from him and from their children.
"We've had some issues with my ex keeping property that is mine if the kids have it on her time. It started with a cell phone. I gave our eldest my old phone when one of my ex-wife's stepkids broke his phone."
"My ex then told our oldest that they had to keep it at her house, and she refused to return it, even when I went over there and asked. I was told she had every right to confiscate it. I followed up with an email, and she told me to get over it, and that she would not hand it over."
"The next time our daughter (14) brought some of my tools into school with her for an assignment, but it was a custody exchange day, so she left my house but went home to her mom's. My ex believed it wasn't appropriate for her to have them, so she took them and refused to return them to me. Again, I got a written exchange as proof."
"A judge has let her get away with this in the past. We were back in court six months ago over similar-ish issues. Not with the stealing, but the issues with what our kids were expected to tolerate over there, and the judge insisted custody remain the same."
"Their complaint is that she allows unfair things to happen to them, and there's nothing they can do about it. Like the phone being broken by the step-siblings, and they've ruined other stuff too. My ex-wife just expects them to deal, which has fractured her relationship with our kids a lot."
But the third time was the final straw for the OP.
"This last time was with our youngest. I let him use an old iPod for a class assignment on recent old tech gadgets. Apparently, her 13-year-old stepchild had the same assignment on a different day, and she decided both should get to use it."
"I told her it was my property and she had to return it, got another email exchange, and then I contacted the police."
"My ex gave the stuff back, but she lost her mind over me getting the police involved for 'petty stuff.'"
"She said I could have demanded it back after her stepkid used the iPod, and I told her she wasn't giving any of it back, and what I give for my kids is NOT for her stepkids."
"She brought up how more serious trouble could have come from it, and I told her it would be deserved because you cannot steal someone else's property and get away with it."
"She told me it was just my spiteful side emerging because none of it was a big deal, or I never would have given them to my kids, which I think is the dumbest argument."
"The phone was given because her stepkids broke our eldest child's phone, and she wasn't about to replace it. Our daughter needed tools for school, and it was only for school, and she wanted to return them to me, but her mom said no. Then the iPod was just for our youngest."
"I'm not here to help her stepkids in any way. My ex and her husband and their mom, if she's still in the picture, can do that."
"I hope that she at least thinks twice before doing this again. But at least she's warned if she tries something like this again."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some encouraged the OP to keep evidence in case the police needed to be contacted again.
"OP, tell her, 'You stole my stuff. I asked for it back. You said no. I went to the police, and they came and got it because they didn't think it was petty, you broke the law, and this is what the police are for. If you disagree with them, the appropriate person to argue with is the judge.'" - hitbythebus
"Now she knows how you prove ownership of what she steals, so she's going to avoid leaving a text trail."
"Start keeping receipts in other ways, like actual receipts, taking photos of things before you give them to your kids, or videos of you stating ownership and your intention with the item as you hand it over." - fmlwhateven
"Anything metallic you loan your kids, like tools, you can engrave your name on to. Get an engraver or see if there's someone who offers that service. Very strange behavior on your wife's part. She's not doing those stepkids any favors." - Electrical_Welder205
"He could still just send the messages through the app. Like, 'Hey, our oldest kid has my old phone, just wanted to let you know that I would like it back when he comes home.'"
"You can even make it less aggressive and say, 'Hey, I let our daughter take tools to school for a project, can you make sure she brings them home with her?'"
"The documentation is there, even if she doesn't reply." - FullMooseParty
"Your ex is the one being petty, difficult, and immature about the whole situation. If she had not taken the items in the first place and refused to return them, the police wouldn't need to intervene."
"Also, she stated in the email that she wasn't returning them, but then tells you that you could have demanded them back after the police intervened?"
"As a 39-year-old woman, she is behaving like a teenage 'Mean girl.' Hopefully she learned her lesson and will not try to pull these stunts again in the future." - SnooJokes5955
Others agreed and also urged the OP to explore a possible custody change and child support.
"Teaching kids to steal isn't a good thing. If she's stupid enough to do it again. Something tells me she is, report it, then have a talk to your lawyer about changing that 50/50 to 80/20 in your favor, or talk to you kids and ask them if they still want to see her anymore."
"They are all at the age where they can choose. If you think about it, she basically stole from them items they borrowed from you, so she stole items from them, then left them on the hook for items that if they had borrowed from someone else it would have been on them, and by virtue you that would have had to replace them."
"No mother of the year awards for her." - Misa7_2006
"NTA! That phone incident makes me wonder how often her hatred for you is directed towards your kids. Talk to your kids, and make sure she isn't treating them badly!" - IAteAnotherVeganBrgr
"You need to go back to court. It's not in the children's interest to be mistreated at the other parent's new house." - Playful_Site_2714
"She is alienating her children. The youngest is almost old enough, 13 in many places, to tell the judge that he wants to stop or reduce visits to mom and steps. The older two are probably waiting so that they can do it together, and ask the oldest alone."
"If they have been keeping notes, give them to the judge at the same time you give yours, each person's notes separately." - Freebirde777
"I would document these incidents and consider revisiting custody. I know this probably won't be enough for a significant change, but your kids are at an age where they get more of a say in where they live." - Fatality_of_Choice
Some were disgusted that the kids were being treated this way and anticipated them going no contact with their mother as soon as they were able to.
"If it wasn't a big deal, the cops wouldn't have agreed to intervene. She's teaching her stepkids that this type of behavior is okay."
"Along with putting their kids right in the middle of all this SUPER uncomfortable bulls**t... I've been that kid in the middle (before there were parenting apps), and it is really not cool to do that to your kids."
"These kids obviously know what their mom is up to. OP refers to the daughter asking to return the tools and her mom saying no, and it sounds like OP at that point took it back to the messaging app."
"I very much hope most of this stays on the app, away from the kids, because it can really cause a lot of inner turbulence feeling like you can't make either of your parents happy if they're both telling you different things you have to do to make things 'right.'" - mf0723
"The ex is gonna end up making the kids resent her if she's taking their things and giving it to the step kids or letting the step kids take things that aren't without punishment. Then it's gonna be 'Boohoo, my ex turned my kids against me!! I was the perfect mom, how could my own kids treat me like this?!'" - AcaliahWolfsong
"My stepdad has a double standard. I would get my a** beat with a wooden board for not giving the dogs water, but my brother can do no chores at all and get given his gaming controllers back if my mom takes them. I'm just 10 years older, so I always knew it wasn't my brother's fault nor my mom's."
"She just married an a**hole, and with the nature of working 12-hour night shifts, she wasn't around to really see just how badly he treated me. Now she's in therapy and trying to fix her marriage, while he says there are absolutely no issues and he's happy with how things are."
"I just hope she gives up soon so she can actually be happy for once. This is absolutely in the OP's ex-wife's future, though I don't see her trying to work on ANYTHING like my mom is, unless serious and surprising growth happens. She's going to lose her first kids to this." - piggy_trot
The subReddit applauded the OP for his actions and encouraged him to continue keeping a record of what was going on so that his children could have the best living situation possible.
