Being an aunt or uncle is one of life's great joys.
You get to have fun and spend time with kids you love, and then you get to send them home with their parents when you're tired.
Plus, your nieces and nephews love spending time with you because they get all the play with none - or very few - of the consequences.
Sometimes, however, you're guilted into spending extra time, i.e. babysitting, with those little angels and soon realize you were not aware of all the extra '"perks."
A woman on Reddit refuses to ever babysit for her sister again after her three children completely trashed her tidy apartment, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Infamous_Angle_385 asked:
"AITAH for refusing to babysit my sister's kids after she let them destroy my apartment?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (26/F[emale]) live in a small one-bedroom apartment."
"I'm very neat and take pride in keeping my space clean and organized."
"My sister Laura (32/F[emale]) has three kids, ages 6, 4, and 2."
"She's always asking me to babysit, and while I love my nieces and nephews, I rarely have time to help since I work full-time and am also studying for my master's degree."
"Last month, Laura begged me to watch the kids for a few hours because she had an 'emergency' at work."
"I was hesitant, but she promised they'd be on their best behavior, so I agreed."
"Big mistake."
"Within 30 minutes of them arriving, my apartment was chaos."
"The 6-year-old spilled juice all over my couch, the 4-year-old broke a lamp trying to 'catch a fly,' and the 2-year-old thought it would be fun to throw my books off the shelf."
"I tried to keep calm, but it was a complete disaster."
"By the time Laura came to pick them up four hours later, my apartment looked like a tornado had hit it."
"She barely apologized, just said, 'Kids will be kids,' and left."
"I was fuming."
"It took me hours to clean everything up, and the lamp they broke was a gift from my grandmother that had sentimental value."
"The next day, I told Laura that I wouldn't be babysitting for her again unless she made sure the kids were under control."
"She got defensive, saying I was 'overreacting' and that I 'don't understand what it's like to be a mom.'"
"She's now angry at me for 'refusing to help family,' and some of our relatives are siding with her, saying I should 'lighten up.'"
"I feel bad because I know she's a single mom and could really use the help, but I also don't think it's fair to let her kids trash my place and then act like it's no big deal."
"I didn't even ask her to replace the lamp because I know she's strapped for cash, but her lack of accountability is frustrating."
"AITAH for refusing to babysit her kids again?"
Redditors weighed in and decided OP was not the a**hole (NTA) in the situation.
"NTA."
"Tell your sister that her other relatives are offering to keep them since they have so much to say." - DetroitSmash-8701
"I 'don't understand what it's like to be a mom.'"
"Right, because you didn't make that choice, she did."
"And you don't have to deal with the repercussions of her choice, either."
"It's entirely up to you to babysit or not."
"That said, nobody is going to be able to control what their kids behave like when they're not around."
"They might be angels when she's there, but that all goes to hell if you aren't as disciplinary as she might be."
"NTA." - thewoodsiswatching
"NTA, but if you want to help your sister, tell her you will babysit but not at your place." - Jumpy-Figure-4082
"NTA, but I think you need to be more aware of what 4—and 2-year-olds are capable of. They need eyes on them 24/7."
"The 6yo should know how to handle a drink."
"Tell her next time if you babysit, it will be at her place." - mommacrossx3
"NTA, but in fairness, you let them destroy your house, not your sister."
"She wasn't there."
"I totally get that your house isn't childproofed, so if you babysit, it needs to be at your sister's house."
"At the same time, though, if you are watching kids that young, you literally have to keep an eye on them."
"Your expectation that they would come over and sit quietly was unrealistic." - stickywebbb
"NTA. They literally trashed your house."
"If she can't teach her kids to respect other peoples homes she can pay for daycare or a babysitter." - VII_187
"'She got defensive, saying I was 'overreacting' and that I 'don't understand what it's like to be a mom.'"
"And she doesn't understand what it's like to be a sister if she can't grasp why you have a legitimate reason to be both upset and unwilling to babysit her kids anytime soon."
"NTA." - Owenashi
"NTA. Your sister should have respected your space and belongings, and it's understandable that you don't want to deal with that again."
"Maybe suggest an alternative form of childcare if you're unable to watch the kids in the future."
"Also, it's not your responsibility to replace the broken lamp, it was her children's behavior that caused it."
"She needs to take responsibility for her kids' actions." - spicyyymargot
"NTA."
"You don't need to know what it's like to be a mom."
"You know what it's like to have an orderly apartment and some respect, two things you were without when she returned to get her kids."
"Your feelings are valid."
"You're not overreacting when something priceless was broken, and there was no apology to be heard."
"Set your boundaries and respect them."
"Hopefully the rest of the judgemental family that is siding with her can also take their turns jumping in to help." - Advanced-Control-885
"NTA because it seems the issue is that you're not used to having to supervise 3 kids in that age group, this is how they are in a new environment with a person they feel safe with."
"I have that exact age group myself, and they are so much work to keep on top of, absolute tornadoes/mess machines."
"I think if she apologizes for your house getting trashed and you're comfortable with babysitting again, maybe only babysit at her place from now on because it will be set up for kids of that age :)"
"Best of luck!" - rebelmumma
"NTA."
"It's not your fault she's a single mother, so it's not your responsibility."
"Also if some family members are siding with your sister, then tell them to babysit" - Petty-Betty-76
"Of course, you 'don't know what it's like to be a mom' because you never signed up to be one and shouldn't have this forced on you."
"NTA. You aren't free labor."
"Also, why do people never pay back for things their own child broke ?!" - deyra_khae
"NTA - kids do tend to trash things while playing…but it doesn't excuse disrespectful behavior."
"I make my kids clean any messes they make at other people's homes…likewise, they also clean any messes at home after friends leave."
"My kids are the same ages as your sister's older 2, and they've known the rules and help well since both of them were 3."
"My kids also know not to destroy or throw things."
"I'm not even super strict (my in-laws think I'm too 'easy' on the kids, despite raving about what good kids they are 🙄)."
"Kids mess up… the broken lamp, I could see that as an accident even well behaved kids would do, but your sister should've at least had an appropriate level of remorse or if she can't afford to replace it, had the kids apologize." - WaryScientist
"Nope!"
"Some people do not try to teach their children anything, and they just let them run around wild!"
"that sounds like your sister is one of those people, you're not obligated to babysit for her and you should let her know that."
"tell her you don't have the time to babysit for her and that she needs to teach her children how to act when they're at someone else's house, especially at four and six-year." - WorldlinessHefty918
"No your not I am a mother of a 10 and a 6 and 1 year old and as a mother if my kids mess up a place or break anything before I leave my kids and me will help clean up and anything broken depending on situation I either replace the whole thing or pay to replace part of it because sometimes it isn't just my kids fault."
"But I am responsible for my kids and my older ones know if they mess they are cleaning my middle child will cry the whole time he has to clean but he will do it fast because he hates cleaning."
"Or simply my kids get babysat at my house." - RazzmatazzPopular587
"Nope NTAH."
"Had she apologized for the inconvenience and accepted that it was a huge imposition on you I bet you would be more apt to watch her kiddos in the future."
"With certain boundaries, of course. She shot herself in the foot here" - Jovon35
It definitely sounds like OP has every right to be upset and not want to babysit for her sister again.
Perhaps if she does decide to, though, she can take the advice of her fellow Redditors and do it at her sister's place instead.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp