Divorce is always a hard thing for children to process, no matter their age.
Particularly when infidelity is involved.
As infidelity might also make it harder for the parents to maintain a respectful relationship post-divorce.
Making the possibility of leading by example very difficult indeed.
A recent Redditor's marriage ended in divorce, almost completely owing to her ex-husband's infidelity.
Understandably, the original poster (OP)'s teenage son had a difficulty accepting his parents' divorce.
Unfortunately, he let his unhappiness be well known to both his father and his father's new partner.
With little to no discouragement from the OP.
Having some doubts about how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not stopping my son from making rude comments about his dad's husband?"
The OP explained why her ex-husband found her semi-responsible for his strained relationship with their teenage son:
"I (42 F[emale]) share custody of my 16-year-old son, 'Zach', with my ex-husband, 'Mark (45 M[ale])."
"We divorced when Zach was 11, mostly because we had grown apart and Mark came out as gay and cheated on me."
"It was a shock at the time, but I've made my peace with it."
"He's now remarried to his husband, 'Daniel' (39 M), who is the person he cheated on me with."
"The thing is, Zach doesn't like Daniel."
"At all."
"I think he sees him as the reason our family fell apart."
"Over the past year, he's started making sarcastic little comments about Daniel when he comes back from weekends at Mark's."
"Sometimes it's kind of funny."
"Sometimes I laugh, or I don't say anything."
"A few times, I've just rolled my eyes and changed the subject."
"I didn't think it was worth making a big deal over—it's just venting, right?"
"But last weekend, Mark texted me upset."
"Apparently, Zach made some joke to Daniel's face, and Mark lost it."
"The joke was 'The only thing you've ever committed to is lying consistently'."
"He said it was cruel and homophobic and that he's tired of Zach 'being allowed' to treat Daniel like he's a joke."
"He asked me point blank if I'd been encouraging it, and I said no—but I did admit I hadn't really shut it down, either."
"Now Mark is furious."
"He says I've been passively feeding into the problem by letting Zach be disrespectful without consequences and that if I don't start taking it seriously, he might start reducing visits until Zach learns how to behave."
"That feels extreme to me."
"Look—I'm not trying to be petty."
"I get that Daniel is his partner, and he wants respect."
"But I'm also trying to pick my battles with a teenager who's already moody and bitter about how things turned out."
"I've tried talking to Zach in the past about being civil, but it usually ends in a fight or him shutting down."
"Now I'm wondering if I really have been enabling something harmful or if Mark is just being too sensitive about the whole thing."
"AITA for not shutting Zach down harder when he makes fun of his dad's husband?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not discouraging their son from telling jokes.
Many agreed that the OP's son did not say anything homophobic, which would be an entirely different story, and that the OP's ex threatening to put an end to their visits made it clear that he, not the OP, was the one who needed to up his parenting game:
"This requires a modicum of common sense."
"Teenagers by and large are moody creatures and prone to these kind of behaviors, you have to temper these as best you can which naturally isn't easy."
"That said, any jokes that he's making that are homophobic, you absolutely need to be shutting down immediately."
"It's not acceptable, and you don't want him to make a habit of thinking it's fine to do that."
"He's angry at his dad more than his partner, I suspect, so maybe it's about time they had a real chat about everything that happened and either agree to make their peace with it or go their separate ways."
"I'll say NTA."- Jainer99
"NTA."
"Also, just to make absolutely clear I'm understanding this correctly - your ex-husband is threatening to not see his own son to punish the child for said child's (factually correct!) calling out of his father's cheating?"
"I vote you let the f*cker 'not see' your son."
"The man clearly cannot make a valid claim to being a parent if his reaction to his kid 'being difficult' or 'moody' is to say 'well i just won't see you anymore'."
"That is not how parenthood works."
"Not good parenthood anyway."- TazzmFyrflaym
"Why is Mark leaving all the parenting to you?"
"Realizing he's gay didn't change the fact that he's still Zach's dad, y'know."
"He really has no reason/right to blame you for 'failing to parent Zach appropriately' so that his son 'corrects' the disrespect and/or resentment he feels towards his father (and thereby Daniel), as a result of Mark's own behavior."
"Mark's frustration is displaced if he thinks YOUR PARENTING is the reason for his son's rudeness towards Daniel."
"Yes, you shouldn't egg on/add to/promote your son's rudeness towards Daniel, but as long as it's not homophobic, Mark seems to be the one in the best position to most effectively influence his son's feelings in this matter."
"He needs to focus on having an honest conversation with his SON, rather than trying to guilt YOU into correcting Zach's behavior."
"NTA."- Original_Poseur
"NTA."
"Firstly, a comment about lying is NOT homophobic."
"That's some gay card-pulling garbage."
"However- instead of ignoring your son's comments or laughing, say, 'You know, I know this situation isn't ideal and can be uncomfortable, but I don't support you being disrespectful'."
"'We are all humans who make mistakes'."
"'I'm over the divorce, and frankly I'm glad your dad has a stable partner'."
"'Not many divorced people have someone in their life that accepts their kids, and it seems like your dad's husband is at least trying, so give him a break'."
"'He's not going anywhere and being rude isn't making anything easier for you'."
"'Besides, if you want to be angry with someone- it's your Dad that chose this path.'"
"Talk to him about your feelings'."
"'It's ok to tell him you're still hurting'."- age_of_No_fuxleft
"NTA."
"Maybe ask the father to explain what homophobic jokes he's making and explain that your son is very angry about the cheating."
"Be open to hearing if your son has been homophobic, but it sounds like he just isn't a fan of lying and cheating, which isn't a terrible personal value to have."- Acceptable_Bunch_586
"NTA."
"I would text him 'It's alright'."
"'I can take full custody of my son'."
"'That would be lovely'."- professionaldrama-
"...your ex cheated on you with this guy."
"What the hell does he expect your son to do?"
"Like seriously, realizing that he's guy and divorcing you, whatever, but cheating on someone is never okay."
"NTA."- KingDarius89
"Threatening to reduce his visits with his own son because he had to be a parent for like five seconds and deal with a family conflict?"
"F*ck this guy."
"NTA."- icecreampenis
Some felt, however, that the OP's ex wasn't wrong in being hurt that she didn't make more of an effort to stop these jokes, but agreed that it shouldn't have to fall on the OP entirely to help her son adjust to his new arrangement:
"NAH."
"You're not the devil here, but I do think u been a little too chill about it."
"Like yeah, Zach's hurt n pissed, fair, but at some point, he needs to learn that pain doesn't give u a free pass to be cruel."
"Especially to someone's face."
"If u don't step in now, it's gonna get messier and harder to fix later."
"This isn't just venting anymore. It's turning into bitterness he's carrying around."- Softcloudd
While some had trouble sympathizing with either the OP, her son, or her ex-husband, feeling that everyone could have handled everything about this situation better:
"ESH."
"Mark is an AH for cheating but not in the wrong now."
"You and your ex are AHs for not addressing what seems to be YEARS of resentment from your son."
"He was a child, so he expressed his feelings about the end of your marriage with these snarky comments, which you just ignored, failure on your part."
"Was there any family counseling at the time of the divorce?"
"This has been allowed to fester, and now your son is being a real AH to Daniel because it seems like no one gave him the tools to work through this in a healthy way."- Laines_Ecossaises
Forgiveness is not always easy, nor is it ever guaranteed.
Seeing as his parents' divorce was not easy to process and was made more complicated by his father's new spouse, it will certainly take time for the OP's son to forgive his father.
However, the OP's son needs to learn that his life will be much happier if he makes an effort to forgive his father.
Something the OP, being his mother, should teach him...
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.