When a person is gravely ill, the last thing they should have to worry about is money.
But sadly, wellness and death have become a profit for the health care system.
Medical procedures are expensive.
So how much is everyone supposed to give?
Redditor u/AlmightyShacoPH wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for lying to my mom that I don’t have any money to give for her chemotherapy?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (M[ale] 19) am from the Philippines, and my mom (F[emale] 43) was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer last month."
"It spread throughout her whole body, so we needed to get her to the hospital, and because the cancer spread to her lungs and heart, she needed to be confined to the hospital and have the water removed from her heart and lungs before starting chemotherapy."
"She’s been at the hospital for 2-3 weeks, and our bill was around 10k USD."
"We have a health card, but it can’t cover all the bills, so I had to cover the rest from my savings."
"I gave almost all of it, approx. 6k USD (I am a student, and I got the money from my remote job)."
"Now, 2 weeks have passed, and she started her chemo, and it was her 2nd session yesterday."
"I also just got my salary that day, and she’s asking for almost my full salary."
"I told her that my salary was delayed and I’ll probably get it after 2-3 days."
"I feel like an AH for lying to my mom that I haven’t gotten my salary just because I really want to have some money left for myself after giving almost all my savings."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA, your mom should not be taking your money to pay for this." ~ Expensive-Opening-55
"Let her use her savings; OP now needs to cater for himself and still have to check on her."
"Having used up all 6k shows his concern." ~ kalreitusa
"I don't mean to sound heartless, but cancer spreading to the heart and lungs sounds like the chemo will just delay the inevitable."
"And at this stage, the inevitable is coming very soon."
"The money OP has will need to be used to prepare for what happens when the cancer runs its course."
"You can pay a $10k bill, or you can use that to build your life after a huge loss." ~ workingbored
"The system is rotten, not the child that can't afford his mother's chemotherapy."
"Not to be morbid, but with stage 4 breast cancer, already spread to heart and lungs, mom is not going to live for long."
"No amount of money will cure her." ~ hopelesscaribou
"OP said that it's stage IV breast cancer, it has spread all throughout her body, specifically including her lungs and heart, and that she's sick enough that she had a build-up of fluid around her heart that had to be treated before they could even begin chemo."
"It also sounds like the cancer wasn't diagnosed until it was already at stage IV."
"It may not be a guaranteed death sentence, but it does sound like his family needs to have an in-depth conversation with his mom's medical team to talk about what their expectations should be."
"And what OP's mom wants to do. If the chemo is only a delaying tactic, she may not want to go through with it."
"Right now, the family is understandably in panic mode."
"Everyone needs to take a moment to adjust to their new reality, do all their research, and discuss their options." ~ Purple_Midnight_Yak
"To all the redditors: PH is the Philippines, a country NOT in the USA."
"Medicare is not there."
"To the OP: see if you can do a payment plan with the hospital."
"The goal is to have them continue treatment for her and not kick her to the street."
"According to legal websites for your country, medical debt once someone passes on doesn't have to be paid by kids, as long as you are not a co-signer on the loan."
"So don't sign anything!"
"Try to figure out a way to pay your bills and help where you can."
"The most important thing is to spend time with her."
"Take pictures with her."
"Record her on some videos."
"You may not have her for too long, even with treatment."
"NAH, except the medical system." ~ Trick_Delivery4609
"Unfortunately, the health care system in PH is mostly for profit."
"Public hospitals are overwhelmed and underfunded; I’ve never heard anyone get chemo at a public hospital."
"The private hospitals will take payment upfront before services are rendered."
"If you get sick on the weekend, pray you can get enough cash from friends and family if you cannot access your funds." ~ mxt0133
"I think OP and their mom are from the Philippines."
"Please note that there is a different culture and medical system where they are from."
"Many services for medical care in the PH you have to pay up front..."
"My coworker lost her son, and they wouldn't release the body or death certificate for her to transport him back to the US."
"We had to get money and politicians involved to get that back for her." ~ Reasonable-Check-120
"I overheard three siblings having to grapple with their finances at the ER on how they could support their mom."
"They deliberated and said they’d find a way for their mom’s sake."
"I do not think people should have to fight to be able to afford healthcare treatment and prevention at any stage of life."
"It broke my heart hearing that."
"My late great aunt’s cancer treatments in a private suite at Makati Med were almost 1 million pesos a day."
"She was a wealthy woman with many investments and inheritances with no kids, so even privileged Filipinos like her feel the brunt of it."
"My grandma, who is her sister, would pay for her when her mental state was declining."
"1 million pesos is no joke. It makes me so angry." ~ pinkrosies
"NAH. You’re only 19, and you’ve already given $6,000 of your savings, which is incredibly generous."
"You shouldn’t have to financially ruin yourself to help someone else, even your mother."
"That said, if she’s been a good mother to you, I would encourage you to sit down and look at your budget."
"Figure out what you absolutely need for bills and basic necessities, set aside a small emergency buffer, and see what you can reasonably contribute from what’s left."
"Maybe that means cutting back on entertainment or other nonessential spending for a while."
"It doesn’t have to be all or nothing."
"You can help your mother without giving away every dollar you earn."
"And I think being honest with her about what you can afford is better than lying about your salary." ~ Maleficent-Shop-7178
"This is very easy for people to say: don’t give her the money, but the reality is, your Mom does need it to survive."
"You need to have a conversation around finances with her."
"It is clear she’s not using her own finances to pay for it, and it’s unfair to continue to ask you to pay for it without having a transparent conversation as to why a 19-year-old is being asked to pay for this."
"You need to discuss her money, what she has in savings, debts, assets, etc before you hand over any more money."
"You should not be expected to finance this, especially flying blind on her finances."
"Have a conversation and really ask her what her plan is to pay for her treatments going forward?"
"If she says there’s nothing, ask for insight into her finances and have a transparent conversation." ~ Puzzleheaded-Mix1270
"NAH. Your mum doesn’t seem to have any other option; she is trying, and cancer is hard."
"But you’re down to the minimum, so this isn’t sustainable and you do need something for yourself."
"Lots of advice here for funding medical care in the PH."
"Try to find a compromise."
"So you can gradually build your savings and still help your mother." ~ Irrxlevance
"OP. I am very sorry about your mom."
"You guys should have a serious talk with the oncologist."
"At that stage of cancer, her prognosis is likely pretty poor."
"She may be better off paying for treatments that make her comfortable so that she can enjoy the time she has left, rather than feeling sick from chemo and it buying very little time."
"Coming from a nurse who worked in a top oncology hospital for years." ~ ADDOCDOMG
"NTA. I've been there with my aunt's lung cancer, and the guilt eats you alive."
"I kept money back too and hated myself for it until I realized if I went broke I couldn't even buy her pain meds, let alone drive her to appointments."
"Terror of zero safety net is real."
"Lying was survival mode, not malice."
"Take the cat and breathe." ~ moonie0712
"The main villain here is your government, which brings relatives of sick people into financial crisis. US-TA."
"For your specific case: I personally couldn't look at myself anymore if my mother died because I couldn't live frugally for one more month." ~ FranzLimit
"NAH, I think."
"The only real a**hole here is the system that bankrupts people for lifesaving medical treatment."
"Your mum wants to live; she wants treatment: I'm not gonna judge her for that."
"But you also have to pay your rent, bills, and personal expenses - those aren't optional, so you can't be judged for that either." ~ LassLovesDogs
First of all, OP... so sorry for all of this.
Hoping that your mom pulls through.
Reddit is with both of you.
You have to look out for yourself sometimes.
You've done so much already.
Good Luck.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.