Honesty is always the best policy.
An age old saying ingrained in our heads from a very young age.
Not everyone lives by this saying, of course, as the very concept of honesty is too much for some people to grasp.
What dishonest people realize all too late, however, is one way or another, lies have a way of catching up to you.
The sister of Redditor SmolandDepresso had a bit of an issue telling the truth.
Finally getting tired of this, the original poster (OP) came up with what they thought was a clever and discreet system to alleviate her lies.
Unfortunately, the OP's sister soon became aware of this and was not at all happy about it.
Worried they may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for warning people that my sister lies a lot?"
The OP explained how they found a way to be honest about their sister's deception:
"My Sister (26) just found out that I (29) warned people I know before they met her that she is a compulsive liar."
"I love my sister a lot, but she has a serious issue with lying about everything all the time."
"Even dumb little things that don't make sense half the time."
"I can always tell when she is lying, but other people can't, and I don't want my friends or other people I know to believe her when she lies about things that are big deals, though."
"So whenever she says something I know is a lie around my friends, they look at me and I shake my head no, and this is a system I have set up."
"I don't call her out or embarrass her in front of other people, and they never say anything either, just nod, and we move on."
"My sister isn't a bad person, and we both had very hard childhoods and went through a lot of trauma, so I give her grace and ask that you do too."
"I do know a lot of her issues with lying come from wanting attention."
"The little lies don't bother me, and I ignore them, but the big ones are usually very problematic."
"Well, yesterday she met a coworker of mine whom I had warned that she lies a lot to beforehand."
"She said something that was outrageous, and my coworker looked at me, and I shook my head no, and we moved on."
"My Sister saw it and, on the way back to my house, asked me why sometimes I shake my head no when she talks."
"I explained why, exactly as I did to you guys above."
"I wasn't mean or cold about it, and my Sister knows that I have an issue with her lying all the time already."
"We, she thinks I'm an a**hole now because now everyone is going to think she is a liar."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for warning people about their sister's lies.
Everyone agreed that if the OP didn't warn people about their sister's lies, they would eventually find out, one way or the other, and as such, the OP was ultimately doing their sister a favor:
"NTA."
"She is a liar."
"It may be compulsive, but that makes it something that she needs to recognize herself and deal with in whatever way she can, not something those who love her need to enable so she doesn't feel embarrassed."
"What she says could affect other people (depending on the lie)."
"If she had a disorder where she randomly windmilled her arms, leading her to hit people in the face, you would be justified in warning others of the fact beforehand so they could be ready to turn aside and avoid her swings."
"You're not obliged to do the figurative equivalent of leaving people to be blindsided by a smack in the face."- kurokomainu
"NTA she is a liar, it's perfectly fine and even a good idea to warn people about it."
"If she's lying due to a mental health condition that is attention seeking, preventing people from overreacting to the lies denies her that attention and thus doesn't feed the cycle her brain is trying to start."
"And it protects your friends from being inadvertently taken advantage of."- TheMandolin
"'Well she thinks I'm an a**hole now because now everyone is going to think she is liar'."
"NTA."
"That ship sailed."
"She is a liar, whether malicious or not."- autistic_and_angry
"NTA."
"If she doesn't want people to 'think she's a liar' she should stop lying to people."- Kitchen-Purple-5061
"'Well she thinks I'm an a**hole now because now everyone is going to think she is liar'."
"She IS a liar."
"If you don't want people to think you're a liar, don't lie all the time."
"NTA, if sounds like you've actually found a pretty good system to help protect your sister from herself."- Kathrynlena
"NTA."
"'I love you, but you do lie a lot (give a couple examples)'."
"I can tolerate it, but I won't be complicit, especially when it comes to the people I love and trust."
"'If you don't want to be seen as a liar, you need to work on telling the truth'."
"'Maybe it's something you should bring up with your therapist'."- whatsweetmadness
"NTA, she's a known liar, so she will be perceived and treated as such."
"Based on her types of lies, it sounds like she goes between wanting pity and wanting to be admired."
"If I had a friend who brought such a lair around, I'd want a heads up about that behavior."
"I don't want to spend energy trying to comfort or hype up a liar."- paul_rudds_drag_race
"NTA."
"I would sit her down and explain to her that she is an adult now and she is actively embarrassing herself and you as her family by continuing to lie about these ridiculous things."
"To protect yourself, you've been forced to give a caveat when she speaks."
I"f she still doesn't comprehend what this means, then she should be in a care facility."-analogascension
"NTA."
"Especially after I read what kind of lies she tells."- TheNinja132
"You say she's not a bad person, but honestly, if she's not trustworthy, then she's not a good person."
"That's about as much grace as she deserves."
"You're NTA to your friends, colleagues, people on here, but you were to her."
"For her own good, but you know she doesn't want that."
"You were disloyal; and she's right to be angry, but because she's not a good person, she's a chronic liar, she doesn't deserve loyalty."
"See how that works?"- Only-Breadfruit-6108
"I was prepared to judge you as an AH simply because everyone should have a chance to prove themselves, but after reading your examples of small and big lies your sister tells, you are clearly NTA."
"It would make you a jerk for not warning people about your sister's habit."- Candid-Career8377
"NTA."
"But it's high time for your sister to deal with her traumas."
"I'm sorry for what she went through, but expecting endless grace for her lies isn't helping her."-Massive-Ride204
"NTA."
"If she were truthful this wouldn't be an issue."- Amonette2012
"NTA."
"Because lying hurts people."- RebekhaG
"NTA."
"She IS a liar."
"When someone lies so often and so regularly that another person has created a system to sort out the lies from the truth, that someone is a liar."
"The important bit is A) will your sister acknowledge she has a problem and B) will she commit to working on her problem?"- Deep-Okra1461
"NTA."
"If she is concerned about people thinking she is a liar, maybe stop lying."- NorthIngenuity4346
The OP later returned with an update, revealing that their sister's lies got her into more trouble than anyone expected:
"Hey, everyone, just a quick update, my sister is currently in jail for lying about being an off-duty police officer to another undercover since she didn't know he was one."
"He and his friends and she were trespassing and got caught, and she tried to pretend she was an off-duty officer, and when asked for information, she obviously couldn't provide it."
"She is currently being held because my mom can't afford bail money for pretending to be an officer, trespassing and vandalism."
"Thank you to everyone who gave me advice about this situation, and I was going to sit her down and chat about her making seriously bad choices by lying like this, but it seems Karma has done it for me."
"While I'm not happy she is in jail, I am hoping this will be a wake-up call for her."
One way or another, the truth always has a way of coming out.
Something the OP's sister learned far too late.
Making it clear that honesty is, indeed, always the best policy.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp