Woman Devastated After Husband Tells Friends He'd Leave Her For His Late Wife In A Heartbeat

Content Warning: Widowhood, Brain Aneurysm, Grief

When two people get married and are obviously deeply in love, it's easy for us to see how their love will last a lifetime, but not all lifetimes last that long.

Every once in a while, though, a person gets a second chance at experiencing a special kind of love, empathized the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor No-Contest7758 knew that her husband was a widow after his first wife died young, but she was pleased to have a beautiful life with him.

But when she discovered how he really felt about their life together, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure where to go from there.

She asked the sub:

"AITAH for being mad at my husband for saying he would pick his deceased wife over me?"

The OP's husband started a new life with her after his first wife tragically passed away.

"My (34 Female) husband (37 Male) was married once before me. She was his high school sweetheart."

"They started dating their junior year, survived long distance during college, and got married when they were both 23 very shortly after graduating college."

"She passed away unexpectedly at age 26 from an aneurysm and it obviously devastated him, especially because they were extremely young. They never had children."

"He contemplated remarrying because he was so heartbroken, but we ended up meeting about four years after that. We got married when I was 31 and he was 34, and we now have two children."

The OP's husband got brutally honest about his feelings at a gathering with friends.

"Last night, we were at a friend's potluck gathering. There was alcohol, but no one was drunk, let alone drunk enough to justify what happened."

"Everything was going well until one of our friends brought up a new topic that had to do with relationships. She is newly divorced, so it was about her divorce."

"Others were chiming in with past relationships from high school, college, etc. I had said I never thought I would get married because my luck with men had always been terrible until I met my husband and I said I felt very lucky to have met him."

"After a little while longer, my husband brings up his deceased wife. Everyone knows he was married before me and that she passed. He was talking about her and then drops a bomb and goes, 'If she walked through that front door right now, I'd pick up where we left off.'"

The OP was devastated by her husband's confession.

"If I am being honest, it felt like someone put my heart into a blender and punched me in the gut as hard as they could. Everyone in the room could sense the awkwardness that followed."

"To avoid making a scene, I just laughed it off even though I thought it was still obvious that it hurt me."

"I just felt that if you still felt that way, then why are we married? I've never asked him to get over his wife. I have never had a deceased spouse or even a deceased partner, so I am unsure how that feels. But I would never SAY that in front of my new spouse."

The OP knew that they needed to talk about what happened, but not yet.

"After the gathering, we left and I did not speak to him the entire car ride home or barely the entire night. I told him that what he said hurt my feelings deeply and that we could talk in the morning once I calmed down because I didn't want to say anything mean to him."

"I ended up sleeping on the couch because he would not leave me alone."

"It's now the next morning and I barely slept. He is still sleeping. I'm not really sure what to say or what he will say."

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some felt terrible for the OP and couldn't believe her husband said that out loud.

"This is the kind of feeling or thoughts that should only be said out loud to a therapist and because you're trying to work through it."

"If I ever felt something like this, not even my best friend would hear about it, and definitely not my partner. I am terribly sorry that you had to hear this from your husband's mouth." - KurayamiAshe

"I was widowed at 28 and I was devastated to the core when my husband died! I have been with my second husband for 20 years and love him deeply and would never ever say something so deeply hurtful."

"My heart broke for you seeing that your husband said that to you! You have children together for crying out loud! I don't know how you can take back something like that! I'm so sorry." - Earthbean2

"NTA. That's a very hurtful thing to hear from your partner, hearing it while with a group on your friends would be understandably brutal."

"Very disrespectful to you." - Academic-Dare1354

"He has an idealized fantasy of what a life with her would have been. The reality of any relationship would not live up to those kinds of expectations."

"My partner is also a widower and spent some time in a widower subreddit for support. One thing he saw a fair bit there was issues with new partners feeling like they could never compete with the lost spouse. Because of that, he bends over backwards to make sure I know how much he loves me and that any feelings he has about losing her don't change that."

"OP's husband was wildly insensitive to make that comment and he really needs to work through his feelings to take his late wife off a pedestal that no one else will ever match." - nAsh_4042615

"I could understand him saying he would definitely struggle, with his emotions because of her return but to just dead ass say he would abandon you and the kids to go be with her is a fucking shitty thing to say." - zagman707

"What he said wasn't just thoughtless, it was downright disrespectful to her marriage. Grief for his late wife doesn't excuse making a public statement that invalidates her relationship." - biengaah

"NTA... he says that RIGHT AFTER you said you had bad luck with men and were lucky to have found him. What the ever-loving frick frack?"

"Does he just not care about your feelings? That's such an incredibly cruel and heartless thing to say, grief or no grief. I get that he lost his wife, but good lord."

"After hearing that, I'd be like, 'Never mind what I just said. I obviously still have bad luck with men,' and then WALKED OUT." - Hawkmonbestboi

Others were furious not just on the OP's behalf but also for her children.

"This was so deeply disrespectful to your children together, too. Like they wouldn't even be a thought to him. He'd just leave you instantly (and by proxy break up the family and devastate his children). Very understandable to be heartbroken over this." - booper369

"It was downright cruel. If he wasn't ready to move on, he had zero business getting remarried, let alone bringing children into the world with anyone else." - NunyahBiznez

"If this had happened to me and I could think quickly enough through all the embarrassment and hurt, I'd say, 'Well, I guess f**k me and our children, YOUR children, right?! Apparently, my bad luck with men continues,' and I would have got up and walked away at that point." - CamoFeather

"What the f**k?! Who says that to their wife, friends, and indirectly also their children?!"

"That is an absolutely horrible thing to say. It would be horrible if said privately, but in front of friends like that? He basically just negated your importance, position, and any standing in his life in from of an audience. I'm not saying that's really what he meant to do, but that's exactly what he did."

"I don't even know how you're supposed to recover from that." - kmflushing

"NTA. I'm genuinely shocked he said that. No one asked him the question and to say that in front of his current wife and mother of his children... is just so incredibly callous."

"This isn't something you need to pressure yourself to get over because he needs to learn to have more consideration and thought for how you feel. To say that in private is one thing but to publicly devalue and hurt you is a whole different ball game." - Spillbeanz99

"Here's the thing. You can't compete with a dead person. Over the years she and their relationship was most likely hyper-idealized."

"He isn't probably even remembering her for who she was but the potential of what never was without even considering the personality changes one goes through in life. And toss in how he probably also looks back wistfully at this young years and may have tied it all to her. So like he's mourning her but also his youth all wrapped in one."

"By saying he would choose her if she walked through the door without thought to you and the kids, he's very clearly sending a message that you're not as important even if that's not what he means necessarily."

"And yes it is hurtful to be told you're pretty much second place. It hurts when you love someone to hear them say they would not have picked you if they had a choice. And that's what he did. And he needs to understand how fucked up that is and try to find a way to apologize to you that won't feel half-hearted."

"NTA. You're entitled to be mad and to be hurt and hopefully, he will take steps to fix his unresolved issues and make it up to you or he might end up alone again." - ladylyrande

After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.

"We talked. I asked him to let me go first and to not interrupt (he doesn't usually interrupt anyway)."

"I said: 'I just want to say that I do not hate you for what you said. I understand where you were coming from. She died and it was something neither of you saw coming. I could never ask you to get over her or to forget her because I know how much you loved her. She was your first love.'"

"'I do understand that if she hadn't passed, we likely would not be together and you two likely would be. I have always understood this. But to say what you said hurt my feelings and embarrassed me.'"

"'And even though her coming back from the dead is impossible, if it were, you would leave me and the children? It was probably one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me. It is clear your feelings about her are still raw and it still hurts, and I want you to get counseling and I want couples counseling very very soon.'"

The OP's husband became very emotional.

"He then apologized profusely. He teared up and said how he did not mean to hurt me and embarrass me in front of our friends. He basically said that he thought about it before he went to sleep and came to the realization that he should've kept it to himself."

"I mean, I can't be angry for what he thinks. He loved her, and she died. His feelings are also valid here!"

"He also said that he would never leave me and the children and that what he said was just a poorly thought-out and poorly-worded statement. He said that he was not thinking clearly and when he said it, he immediately felt that maybe it came out wrong."

"I asked him how he would feel if I said that to him. He says, 'Yeah. It's bad. I know. I shouldn't have said it. I wouldn't be happy. I know you aren't happy. I should've apologized in front of everyone as soon as I said it or not have said it at all.'"

"I then asked him to think of the children and said, 'It's like you saying. Hey, (children's names), if my dead wife walked through the door, I'd pack my bags and never speak to you guys again,' and then it REALLY got uncomfy."

The couple then began to discuss what they should do next.

"After some silence (I had no idea what to say after that), he asked me if I wanted to divorce."

"So I asked him why he would think I would want a divorce just to see what he would say. He said he doesn't know."

"I didn't answer his question and said we needed to look into counseling and that he needed to get counseling for himself and that we would go to couples counseling. And if the answer is no, I am not interested in moving forward."

"This isn't 100% about the comment anymore. I need to know if he is willing to make the necessary changes and put in the work to fix what he messed up. Because if he were to dismiss my feelings or not want to commit to counseling, it means he doesn't think this was that serious and that he may not take me seriously (I also said this to him)."

"Some of the comments also told me to take the kids elsewhere. I agreed with this because it would be difficult to get through this while also parenting. I've got a very young daughter and a son that is a toddler. They are currently with my parents for the weekend, and I'll be getting them Sunday night, so this gives us time to really work."

"He suggested he sleep on the couch instead of me. I have nowhere else to go. I haven't told my parents because I really would like to keep this between me and him as much as possible. Family and friends jump to judge too fast and sometimes offer extreme and harmful advice and it's also embarrassing!"

The OP and her husband agreed to pursue counseling. 

"Luckily, we both have very good insurance that will help with counseling. I told him that it seemed like whatever counseling he got after her death was not enough and that he was not consistent with it like he should have been. With trauma like that, I personally would've been in counseling for YEARS before I even considered remarrying."

"He agreed. He was only in it for about a year and then stopped once he moved away from his hometown. Never got back into it."

"He also agreed to the individual and couples counseling. Kept apologizing. Kept telling me he loved me all day. It was also so difficult to be around him because he kept looking at me! I couldn't think! It was like he would try to say something and then he would just stare and not say anything."

"With the kids gone, there's nothing to really do except talk, so we talked again right before dinner time. He asked me if I wanted him to cook or buy something. I still was not hungry to be honest. So I just told him he could pick something up for himself and that I wasn't hungry and that prompted the second discussion."

"I realized he must feel very bad because he noticed I hadn't really eaten much all day. He kept asking me to eat. I wasn't sulking too bad or anything, just doing my usual tasks, but not speaking or eating as much and because we're home together all day, he noticed this."

"He asked me one more time to please eat dinner with him, so I agreed. During dinner, he told me that he looked for counselors himself and wanted me to see if I thought they were okay enough and that he would keep looking."

The OP became increasingly frustrated and exhausted from all the discussions. 

"After all of that, I told him that we can't really predict anything until we've met with therapists. I don't want him to keep saying sorry. I want work and change. And then maybe we can move forward, but this is the first step."

"I don't want to just leave him. I am also not saying divorce is off of the table. I think he is still hurting from her death and his judgment is very very clouded. If he didn't love me, I doubt he would've apologized so many times and looked for counselors on his own. A man that doesn't love me probably would've made me look or rejected going altogether."

"Many people were suggesting this, I do not think he doesn't love me. Thought of this myself. Cried about it. Thought of my children. Cried more. I'm not staying for the kids, I'm staying because I want to at least try to fix. If it cannot be fixed, then at least I tried!"

"We were also very close. Some people were asking how close we were prior to marriage, I guess as a way to gauge the difference between their relationship and our relationship. Maybe to see if he settled? He was always very romantic, caring, and sweet to me."

"We've never yelled at each other. When we first started dating, he would plan dates, surprise me, brag about me to his friends. So that's why I am VERY confused on why he would blurt that. Unless it was just very poor brain and mouth coordination!"

"I also told him that I may get a counselor for myself. I don't think I need one. Someone suggested this. But I think he needs it more than I do! And because insurance companies are getting sh*ttier by the year, three counseling bills may be pushing it? I don't know."

"If I do get one, it's because I don't want to potentially resent him or doubt myself. Some people were making attempts to make me doubt myself. Some people in the comments were very nasty to me. I appreciate Reddit hiding comments with many downvotes as they may be mean, but I couldn't help but click. Some of you are very mean and very nasty individuals and I hope you find happiness one day."

The OP also took some time to reconnect with friends, especially those from the potluck.

"I've also responded to everyone who texted me, which was everyone there at the potluck that has my number. Three people (there were nine people there, not including us). They've all basically said the same thing. They can't believe he said that, they feel bad for me, asking if everything is okay, what he said was not okay, etc."

"He showed me some of the texts with him and his friends and some made me cry with how kind they were being towards me. Basically telling him he wasn't necessarily wrong for thinking that, but wrong for saying it."

"I told him I loved him as well. And I have never not loved him even for a second. And that I wasn't angry with him and didn't want him to I guess, suffer, for what he said. But I was just hurt and needed him to know that it did hurt me and him to respond how he saw fit and we'd go from there."

It's completely understandable to grieve the loss of a spouse, especially when they died young and unexpectedly, and it's even okay to wonder what life would have been like if they lived.

But those thoughts are better left in the mind or with a therapist, rather than with another romantic partner in the future. And suggesting that a new partner would be left behind if the late partner could somehow come back is a definite deal breaker, no questions asked.