Gifts should reflect how a person feels about the recipient. Not for a day or a moment, but overall.
Gifts shouldn't be transactional, dependent on what the giver can get from the giftee.
A spouse dealing with birthday drama turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Resident_Injury8134 asked:
"AITA for cancelling my wife's birthday party after she called my sister a leech?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife's birthday party was supposed to be this Friday. I actually wanted her present to be a surprise this year."
"It is not uncommon that my wife will open an Amazon package thinking it was something else, ruining my present surprise. So I sent my wife's presents to my sister's house and was going to pick them up Thursday.
"I got a text from my sister saying she got the packages, but my wife saw the text. She made a comment about giving handouts again."
"My sister and her do not have the best relationship and it is due to different values. They basically disagree on everything, but the big thing that my wife hates is that my sister has asked for money or help."
"We have a shared account, but also keep separate money. I will lend my sister cash, but I haven't had to do that in a while."
"I lend her money from my account, not the shared account. She also pays me back."
"Lending my sister money doesn't affect me or the household at all."
"The biggest expense was around 2,000 so her cat could have emergency surgery. She did pay that back."
"I truly don't understand what her problem with me pending moeny that doesn't affect us at all."
"Not to mention me lending her money has helped her get her life together. She just finished her nursing course and works at a hospital now."
"My wife basically told me enough was enough and that I need to stop sending my sister sh*t. She called my sister a leech that can't get her sh*t together."
"This resulted in an argument and I told her that my sister was just holding her birthday presents, but now I am returning them. I am also canceling the birthday dinner party."
"Another big argument happened and I did cancel the plans and asked my sister to return the packages."
"My wife is pissed at me and called me a jerk. I told her that this is her own fault."
The OP summed up their situation.
"AITA for cancelling my wife's birthday party after she called my sister a leech. I could be a dick, since I may be overreacting by returning the gifts and cancelling the party I was planning."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided there were definitely a**holes here, but differed on who it was.
Some felt the OP was the only a**hole (YTA).
"YTA. You shouldn't treat your wife like a child that you punish when you don't like what she says. Your wife may have no sympathy for your sister, but you're certainly not the more noble of the 2 of you." ~ MyHairs0nFire2023
"YTA, mostly because your wife is trying to protect and defend you from a family member who may be exploiting you, and you reacted like a d*ck."
"Don't expect her to stick up for you again." ~ Western_Bathroom_252
"YTA, I don't see how canceling the celebration is related to the rest of the situation. She is obviously wrong to be so harsh, but it was super cruel and unnecessary to cancel."
"Is it so shocking that your wife sees a text that says 'got the packages' and assumes it was something purchased for the sister? Especially if there is a history of lending money?"
"It's not like she saw a text that said, 'hey, just checking in!' and jumped to a crazy conclusion." ~ Organic-Vermicelli47
"YTA - I understand why the ages are not posted because this is not an adult marriage."
"Missing context on why your wife jumped to 'handouts again' implies more than emergency cat surgery. Nor why sister and wife do not get along yet you placed them in the middle knowing this."
"Then you make a petty decision, impacting others, taking a private matter into a drama staring your wife as a birthday gift. She is your wife."
"Seriously you punish your wife by taking away her toys and friends? I understand you are defending your sister and personally felt hurt on reflection, but come on, you are not 13."
"Adults have conversations! Marriages only work with communication and trust." ~ Bright_Command_6549
Others thought the OP was the one not being an a**hole (NTA).
"OP's wife is trying to police what he does with his personal hobby allowance, not the household money. Should he ask her to disclose every penny she spends monthly from her personal allowance so he can decide if he approves? Or would that be controlling, intrusive, and judgy?"
"OP invested his personal hobby money in helping save his sister's cat and helping her finish her studies as a nurse. She paid him back. She is working at a hospital and seems quite responsible."
"OP is NTA. The sister is NTA. OP has a wife problem." ~ Avlonnic2
"If you are lending (or giving) money to the detriment of your household you'd be an idiot. However, in this case you have a shared account which funds the household so there is no impact."
"It's interesting that your wife opens packages that are sent to you. I'd guess that if you opened her packages she'd be livid (double standards). It suggests she has no boundaries and doesn't want you to have, not secrets, exactly, but things for yourself. It smacks of a controlling nature."
"You're NTA for cancelling but you would be if you don't sit her down and set boundaries." ~ East_Parking8340
"NTA. Sister pays OP back, so saying she needs to get herself together is going a bit far. Not being able to afford a big expense all at once doesn't mean she's useless, it just means she's poor. There's a huge difference." ~ ArtemisStrange
"Yeah, this is NTA. If the sister never paid it back it would be different, but I give people in my family money all the time that they pay me back. That doesn't make them a leech." ~ Larcya
While the majority of Redditors decided almost everyone sucked (ESH).
"ESH .... There are a lot of things we don't know. It seems to me at least that there's more going on than you're sharing in this post."
"Sister said she got the package. Not thanks for the cash. Your wife's response is to tell you to stop sending her sh*t, not how much did this cost you."
"I'm wondering if you're in the habit of buying your sister little gifts with no expectations of it being paid for by your sister. Could there be feelings of your wife not feeling celebrated?"
"You disrespected your relationship with your wife (big time). You asked your sister to return your wife's gifts. I'm going to imagine that given what we do know about their relationship."
"Your sister probably got some pleasure out of this task you gave to take part in hurting your wife and is probably laughing with her coworkers about it. The sister that you described as growing and overcoming her money issues and your wife was described as... well, actually nothing."
"The only info we have about her is that they have different values. Considering you married your wife, I'm guessing her values line up more so with your own."
"Your wife disrespected your sister. without your sister or anyone else hearing, it was a text message and not a phone call. I can't tell you how many times I have hung up the phone and said to my spouse, 'Your dad makes me nuts'."
"If we can't vent to our spouse, then who do we vent to? You bullied your wife over something that no one heard but you and let your sister take part."
"I'm sorry, but you overreacted badly. And the empath in me is saying it's not the first time. Get your temper under control." ~ Eastern_Effective_87
"ESH. You are treating your wife like a child who needs to be punished because she said something that you didn't like."
"You are conflating two different issues: the tension between those two and her birthday."
"You should have acted like an adult, and had a calm discussion where you expressed your feelings about wife's comments. Instead, you are being high-handed and patronizing."
"Wife and sister's (to a lesser extent) bad behaviour is obvious. Wife should have left the matter between you and sister. Sister should get her act together." ~ CandylandCanada
"ESH. Calling your sister names is crappy, so is canceling a party over a disagreement. Your wife and sister dislike each other, so it's not surprising she reacted badly to what looked like you secretly sending her help."
"It's absolutely not appropriate to move to name-calling. But that doesn't mean you needed to return things and cancel the party."
"Seems like you 2 need to have some serious conversations about boundaries."
"Maybe you talk about not being awful about your sis, and you agree to talk to her before going over a certain amount in sis help (possibly a great compromise for you, since it sounds like sis doesn't really need help anymore)."
"I have no idea why she's so bothered about it, but I bet there's a reason, maybe a couple's therapist could help work it out." ~ padfoot211
It sounds like this couple could benefit from counseling more than a party.
Maybe that should be the OP's gift to his wife.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp