Being a stepparent can be very rewarding, but getting there involves dating a person who has children.
Which can be a minefield. Are they looking for a significant other or childcare?
A woman dealing with this question turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback, writing a post in a very unique style.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
ThessaraGlint asked:
“AITAH for not wanting to ‘babysit’ my boyfriend’s daughter while he games?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (a 27-year-old female) have been dating this guy (a 32-year-old male) for 7 months. He has a 6-year-old daughter. She’s cute and sweet, and honestly, I like her. It’s not the issue.”
“What is the issue? Is he keeps casually hijacking our weekends into ‘family time’ and then just disappears to his damn PC the whole day like I’m the unpaid nanny.”
“Like I’ll come over Friday night, we’ll eat, maybe watch something, maybe have sex if he’s not ‘too tired’ from work. then Saturday, it’s ‘Let’s do pancakes with Emma,’ and suddenly, I’m brushing tangles out of her hair and helping her glue can macaroni to paper while he’s yelling at Randos on Valorant til 3 pm.”
“He literally told me last week, ‘ You’re so good with her, it’s like a miracle I found someone who just gets it. ‘No, babe, I’m just not gonna let your kid eat glitter.’
“and idk maybe I’d be chill about it if he did literally ANYTHING in return? I cooked dinner twice this week, and he didn’t even say thank you.”
“He asked me to take Emma to the park while he ‘caught up on emails’ (he was on Twitch), and when I brought it up, he said I was being ‘fragile’ and acting like she’s a burden.”
“I’m not her mom. I didn’t sign up to be a stepmom intern just because he thinks women default to childcare mode. I haven’t even met HIS mom yet. But apparently, I’m just part of the routine now, and saying no makes me ‘cold.’
“So I told him today that I’m not coming over next weekend unless we get actual alone time. He literally scoffed and said, ‘Wow. I didn’t think you were that kind of girl.’
“so like. am I? AITAH? or am i just dating a man who wants a girlfriend/mom/maid combo deal in one? idk. my head’s spinning”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was a daycare, not a date to this man, with many using the phrase bang nanny—a woman whose role in a relationship is limited to sex and childcare.
“As a complete dumb a** who was, IN FACT, a bang nanny (hindsight is 20/20), this is what he wants from you. RUN!!!! Also, because I am petty, I would tell his ex it is you who has been minding his child while Chad plays video games.” ~ DietCokePeanutButter
“Honestly, I am not even being petty, but the kid’s mom should know who is actually watching Emma on dad’s weekend so she can be hyper-vigilant when he cycles in the next bang nanny after OP ditches him. Because you are going to ditch him, right?” ~ ThePythiaofApollo
“Agreed. When I found out my ex was leaving our daughter with his gf for extended periods of time while he forked around doing God knows what, it was my responsibility as a parent to make sure that the person actually watching my daughter was a good person who would have her best interest in mind. So I don’t think telling the mom is petty at all coming from the other end of this scenario.” ~ No_Clock8379
“Not just about pettiness but child safety. The kid is six and needs supervision which this man-child apparently isn’t doing.” ~ PerpetuallyTired74
“Beyond his bad behaviour towards OP, he’s a lousy father who prefers video games to spending time with his own daughter. He only has custody to reduce child support and that’s disgusting.” ~ Nythea
“Could this be the reason why he was divorced the first time around? Not being an equal partner in raising a child and having the ex-wife take care of everything while he plays video games.” ~ ShoddyIntrovert32
“Not gonna lie I’d be turning off the internet so fast. If he can’t be a father to his child and expects you to do it and make you feel like you are the AH in this situation is wild. He’s acting like a child. You need a new bf.” ~ Empress-Palpetine
“Absolutely. If he wants to act like a child, he can go live with one. You signed up for a relationship, not unpaid parenting while he rage-games on WiFi you should’ve cut days ago.” ~ Character-Archer5436
“The MOMENT he disappears for more the 15 minutes is your cue to tell him you are going home and leave. She isn’t your kid. Honestly, I would dump him. NTA.” ~ K_A_irony
“You know this was his motive from the start? Dump his daughter and all the responsibility on you because you’re a woman. He’s a loser and a crap dad because he probably does this to every woman he dates.” ~ jasperjamboree
“Congrats to your boyfriend! He doesn’t have to pay a babysitter and he gets dinner and sex.”
“What are you getting out of this arrangement? Guess why his daughter’s mom dumped him? NTA, but dump him.” ~ Ok_Stable7501
“You are NTA. I get it… video games are fun, addicting, and very sociable when playing with your best friends… but he has priorities and that involves his daughter and family. He’s not a kid anymore with zero responsibilities, as a dad he should be spending time more with his family rather than sitting on a PC playing shooter games all day. I just want to say kudos to you for taking care of her and treating her like your own.” ~ jukethaplug
“NTA. You should reach out to Emma’s mom and see if she wants to exchange war stories over a drink. There is a reason this selfish ass man is no longer with her, and I think you now know what it is. She deserves to know that her crapball ex is foisting her daughter off onto his dates, and she might turn out to be a rad friend.”
“For bonus points, jump into his Twitch stream and start talking about how he neglects his daughter. Trash him to the bros. It’ll be hilarious.” ~ CalamityClambake
“Yeah, no. He lost me when you said you’ve been dating 7 months, and he leaves her with you. That’s just very irresponsible parenting.”
‘He’s looking for a bang-nanny. You’re only 7 months in and when you raised your concern about this to him, he dismissed you and accused you of being too sensitive. If you keep going, this will be your role in this relationship. I’d bounce, personally.” ~ Top-Ad-6430
“Just dump him. Trust what he is doing, this is who he is. If you feel like you need to try some more because you aren’t ready then you will need to make some plans. Every week Ask him if he has his daughter. If he does, let him know you will give him some daddy daughter bonding time and you look forward to seeing him some other time.”
“If he says he doesn’t, plan a day trip for just you and him to a winery, an R-rated movie, a comedy club, or some other activity that would be inappropriate or boring for a child. If the daughter suddenly is there, be understanding. Say you understand him being a father comes first, so you will see him later. Then leave.”
“If you agree to spend time with both of them, follow his lead on activities. If he wants to play video games then you join him. Ask all sorts of questions. What is happening? Is that the bad guy? What are you supposed to do? When is it the daughter’s turn to play?”
“Only do what he is doing. Don’t do another activity with daughter. Encourage daughter to ask her daddy lots of questions too.” ~ No-Satisfaction-3897
“Oh honey. I have been down this road. This is what your life will be if you continue this relationship. This is who he is. You should not be cooking dinner two times a week…. is he even doing the dishes or buying the food??”
“I’m guessing not if he can’t even say thank you. Get out of this situation because it’s only gonna get worse…. he’s already insulting you for not playing mom… well, you are playing mom. You being there is getting him out of his responsibility.”
“And when he says, ‘I didn’t think you were that kind of girl’ ask him what kind of man he is. Ask him what kind of dad he is. I bet he doesn’t have an answer because he isn’t a good one. You can do so much better.” ~ External_Expert_2069
Reddit doesn’t sed much hope—or point—in this relationship. The overwhelming advice was that the OP needed to walk away.