When it comes to weddings, planning something that is manageable for most of your guests is usually ideal.
If you hold, say, a destination wedding, then you will likely get several RSVPs back with regrets.
But is it out of line to publicly call people out for declining your wedding invite due to time or budgetary restraints?
A Redditor recently clashed with her sister after explaining to her why so few people would be attending her wedding, so she turned to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) to see if she was in the wrong.
She asked:
"AITA for Telling My Sister It's Her Fault She Wasted Money on a Wedding Few People Are Planning to Attend?"
The original poster (OP) explained her family's age range and how it was playing into the wedding drama.
"I'm always unsure of how much information to put in a post here."
"Some people get dragged for posting too much, but others have to answer the same questions repeatedly in the comments before finally editing the post. I guess we'll see."
"The important thing to know about our family is that it has a decent chunk of elderly people, and a lot of families. My sister and I are in a group of about five within our age range."
"Most of our relatives are about ten-fifteen years older or younger. In other words, everybody else is already an 'established' (read non-partying) adult, or they are still kids who are too young to drink alcohol."
The OP didn't think her sister had her family in mind when she planned her wedding.
"My sister is a party girl, and it was clear from the start of planning that she was more concerned with making her friends comfortable than our family, which caused issues."
"She chose a venue four hours from home but which is closer to them - and which allows alcohol to be served without the expensive insurance the venues at home are required to mandate."
"So now, people are going to have spend at least one night in a hotel, on top of everything else."
"That really isn't likely, and that's before you get into the fact that my sister decided to make the wedding 'no kids,' and that the invitation read, 'Cocktail reception to follow.'"
"Okay, so you want us to rent at least one, if not two hotel rooms, pay for overnight childcare (I don't even think that's a thing here), go to a ceremony, and then you're not even going to feed us? No way."
After things went south for the OP's sister, she turned to Facebook to vent her frustration.
"My sister and her fiancé invited 150 people to the wedding. So far, 107 have RSVP'd with no."
"My sister went on an epic Facebook rant earlier, then called me to complain."
"Apparently, they've already signed contracts with the vendors and paid nonrefundable deposits covering half of the amount of people my sister and future-BIL thought were attending, instead of waiting until after the RSVPs were returned."
The OP's blunt honesty about the situation only made things worse.
"After about the third-fourth hour on the phone of trying to calm her down, I finally couldn't stop myself from asking her what she really expected to happen."
"Did she really expect our 97-year-old great-grandpa to travel that far, then spend the night at a reception without food?"
"Did she really expect our cousins with the quadruplets to pay a babysitter to watch them for better part of two days?"
"She's hysterical and made another Facebook rant. She posted about being the 'black sheep' and how nobody ever supports her, and how even I (in her words, 'my own baby sister') abandoned her when it came to 'the biggest day of my life.'"
"I was feeling fine about what I said before, but that post is weighing on me a bit."
"IDK (I don't know), AITA?"
After getting some initial feedback, the OP added a few more details.
"Edit because I was unclear: I understand paying a deposit on the venue before sending out the wedding invitations."
"The issue is that they apparently already paid a nonrefundable deposit to the caterer and bartender, etc. for half of who they thought were attending."
"Second edit: I am getting a lot of people telling me that it's apparently normal to pay a portion for the vendors, including catering, bartender, etc."
"That's fine. The issue still remains that my sister is upset about having paid a deposit for people who aren't going to the wedding."
"Third edit: Her fiancé's family lives about an hour from ours, so, no, the location is not a compromise between the two families. It's being held [by where] my sister and their friends live."
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many thought the OP did nothing wrong by being honest with her sister.
"NTA. While she has the right to have the wedding she wants (unless she's using family money and going against their wishes), NO ONE is obligated to go, especially with how demanding she's being."
"You were honest and made good points."—SolitaryTeaParty
"NTA, she needed a reality check. It's the middle of a pandemic and she wants elderly people and people with young children to hire sitters for two days to drive for hours for a wedding."
"Lack of food and hotel aside, no one wants to travel that long for a one time party in the best of times."—xakryn
"Honestly OP is 100% right with her points."
"Just because someone doesn't have the means or is unable to attend a wedding because of things like 'child free' doesn't mean they don't support the bride/groom/couple."
"A lot of people may not have the means, time or money to have an overnight babysitter or know someone trustworthy to babysit for that long."
"It's a waste of time and money for the family members and them to spend on that type of venue imo. Mainly because the family members probably won't stay long at that party venue and just go back to the hotel early anyway because it's not something they are into."
"The couple obviously have a choice to what their wedding entails but when making wedding plans RVSPs are a 'yes or no' response for a reason: because sometimes the wedding plans just don't work for everyone on the guest list."
"Unfortunately their plans don't work for more than half the list. But that still doesn't mean that those people don't support the couple and those people don't deserve to be b*tched about online for something out of their control."—TheoryAddict
But there were some, however, who weren't so forgiving.
"ESH Your sister shouldn't have gone on those Facebook rants."
"She also probably should have been a little more realistic about RSVPs when she was booking venues, but I'm not going to hold that against her. It's hard to estimate especially if you have a lot of obligatory invites who you're not close to."
"That being said, nothing about your sister's wedding is unreasonable. It's very common for couples to have their weddings near where they live (you also didn't mention where her fiancé's family lives...could this location also be a compromise for both families?)."
"It's not unreasonable to have a kid-free wedding. It's not unreasonable to expect guests to travel a few hours. And a cocktail reception, if you serve enough food, can end up being just as filling as a meal."
"Had she not made the public posts and instead just vented to immediate family this would have been a y t a for me."—Ms_Cats_Meow
"Piggybacking off of this in regards to the location. Finding a place that fits what the couple wants, fits their budget, fits how many people they think will show up and fits location wise is not going to be perfect or ideal for everyone."
"Unless vast majority of guests live close to each other, invitees will end up having to travel. Sure, you try to find a place that doesn't suck to get to for too many people, but unless you have an unlimited budget, there won't be a perfect location that fits."
"It sounds like OP hasn't experienced that many weddings or the ones they have attended have been super local."
"There's a reason why there are hotels located in so many random towns and cities that aren't really tourist spots or business hubs. They are propped up by local venues such as wedding venues."
"The sister sucks for the fb rant, not providing food (if that's actually true) and for what sounds like poor planning on their part on the guest list. The rest of the complaints from OP regarding location, hotel, and alcohol seem unnecessary and a bit judgy."—RamenNoodles620
Several pointed out that traveling for a wedding is a fairly common thing.
"YTA for the judgmental attitude. I'm having a hard time understanding why everyone here seems to think someone is an a**hole for planning their wedding in the town they live in, or how serving alcohol makes someone a 'party girl' lol."
"To have well over two-thirds of your guests decline to attend has got to feel f**king awful."
"With those sorts of numbers, it sounds like almost the entire family has RSVP'd no and only their local friends are coming. What a kick in the gut."
"To me, getting a hotel room for a single night is an expected expense of attending most weddings. It's not ridiculous."
"Attending events when you have kids is always hard, but it's not like it's impossible. Get a grandparent or other family member to watch them, or have the parent who's a blood relative of the family attend while the other stays home, or bring the kids and have a local babysitter watch them for a few hours in the hotel, etc."
"It makes things harder for sure, but it's not an impassable roadblock for someone who really wants to attend. In fact I literally just read another post from the parents' perspective where everyone seems to be in agreement that several months is enough time to come up with a compromise or childcare to attend a childfree wedding."
"So why is it that the bride is entitled for planning a wedding where she lives and requesting that people from her hometown travel a few hours and have childcare, but the invitees aren't entitled for expecting her to plan an event that's not local to her (a logistical NIGHTMARE) and plan it around their children?"—pomegranategladiator
"Agreed. I can't imagine not going to a family wedding 4 hours from where I live."
"I've flown and spent money to go weddings that wouldn't be my first choice of things to spend my PTO on, but it's family, you go. I understand the elderly not being able to travel, but my god that many family members refusing to attend is devastating."
"It's not like this is some destination wedding. It sounds super normal and reasonable."
"Also makes sense she made it near her friends because they seem to be the only ones that care about her. YTA."—stateofgrace17
"YTA. I may be biased as I'm currently wedding planning but wow yeah you and your family are a**holes for sure."
"It is super common to have to get a hotel room and childcare for a wedding. In fact I'm also doing a child-free wedding where everyone will basically have to spend the night at a hotel."
"Similar size wedding and I'm also in a cluster of the family where everyone is either older or younger than me."
"Deposits need to be paid before you know your exact numbers that's just fact of the industry. Because you're planning a year out usually and don't send invites until a month out from the wedding."
"Generally you expect a regret rate of about 15%. So yeah, I'd be super pissed if I put down all this money for a huge life event only to find that my family won't show because they're too selfish to find a sitter and get a room for the night."—tploeger1
It seems like Reddit is pretty divided on this one, so the OP may not get the validation she was hoping for.
Hopefully the OP's sister can find a way to enjoy her wedding, even without the majority of her family present.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp