The phrase deadbeat dad or mom refers to a legal parent who offers no financial support to their children. They may also not pursue or participate in visitation.
For the other parent carrying the financial burden alone, resentment is certain to build as years go by. But for the kids, it's more complicated.
Their children may or may not want a relationship with them.
A son gaining an inheritance from his "deadbeat dad" turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his mother objects to him accepting it.
KeyDetective9774 asked:
"AITA for accepting inheritance from my deadbeat father?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (19, male) barely remember my real father, the last memory I had was that he was yelling at my mother and I was maybe 6 and hiding under the kitchen table."
"He was a terrible man with an alcohol problem."
"One day he fled the country and was never seen again, my mother met my stepfather who is a great man, and raised me as his own kid."
"Just a few months ago I received a formal notice from my real father, telling me that my grandmother (his mother) had died, and he didn't expect me to go to the funeral, as I did not even know the lady."
"But he decided to pass her apartment to me, as he was never part of my life, it is the least he can do, he doesn't expect me to contact him or anything, he wrote that he knows how terrible he was and nothing can excuse that."
"I was excited about the fact that I could start my life way easier and told my family about it and they got really mad at me, telling me how terrible person he was and all, and that is all true!"
"My mother said that he is probably using that to contact me or even worse, use it to claim that he took care of me so I have to take care of him when he is old!"
"So I talked with a pro bono lawyer about it and she told me that accepting an inheritance can't be considered paying child support (which he never did), so if I decide to accept the apartment, it does not oblige me to anything."
"My parents are still mad at me, my stepfather says I should honour my mother's wish and not accept it, while I believe that it would be stupid to say no and deny a chance to start my life a bit easier than others my age."
"AITA for accepting that apartment?"
The OP later added:
"The apartment was my grandmother's—all my father did was say no to the inheritance, so it was automatically passed to me."
"I inherited everything! An apartment with everything inside it and money in her bank account—that was all she had for assets when she died."
"From what I understand from the lawyer, in our county you inherit automatically and if you don't want it, you fill out a document to give it up. My real father was the first closest living relative and refused it, meaning that I was automatically next in line."
"That means I am accepting inheritance from my grandmother and that has nothing to do with my father. My country doesn't have an inheritance tax and land tax for apartments is a very tiny amount."
"He knows where we live anyway, as we never moved."
"Even though the apartment has not been renovated for like 20 years it is in very good shape and my grandmother kept it nice and clean. The apartment is not 'modern', but nothing wrong with it either."
"For example, the bathroom has boring white tiles while today it is fashionable to have those huge tiles. The kitchen furniture is woodgrain, while today people like highly glossy furniture."
"There is no inheritance tax in my country and land tax for apartments is a very small amount. The building itself was fully renovated like 8 years ago, so there is a loan for the next 2 years, so the repair fund is higher than similar buildings that are not renovated."
"After she died, nobody paid the bills, but she had some money in her account and that covered the bills already!"
"I will rent the place out and make some extra money until I finish school, find a job and then probably sell the place and buy a new apartment wherever my job is in the future."
The OP summed up their situation.
"AITA for accepting the aparment from my terrible father, while my mother told me to not do it? I might be the a**hole, because I did not listen to my parents and still did it."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Honey, if anyone needs to accept an inheritance, it's the child of a deadbeat dad. It must be quite unsettling for your parents to have your deadbeat dad suddenly make a magnanimous gesture."
"I empathize with them, but my judgment is still the same. NTA."
"Be cautious; I can understand your parents' concerns. I also wonder if they're worried you might feel some care for your father because he let you know of the inheritance, and it will lead you to seek a relationship with him."
"Remind them they are the best parents in the world, and you have no desire to replace them. Happy life, my dear." ~ Aware_Welcome_8866
"NTA. Turning it into a rental is likely the best choice; it turns into a steady stream of income with minimal time/money on your end, giving you a headstart for your future. Having a reliable stream of income is far more valuable than owning a residence at your age." ~ onurkneezb
"Your mom and stepdad are just feeling hurt and threatened. They know they raised you, and they're scared that you will suddenly feel like the man who abandoned you and now shows up with an apartment for you—that he will now be considered as your 'parent' too."
"It's understandable how they feel. But it's just a feeling. It's not logical or true."
"So you just need to give both of them the comfort, the respect, the acknowledgment that this in no way even measures close to what they have done for you. An apartment can never replace the love, sacrifice, and support they have given you consistently for all these years."
"Make sure they know you will never communicate with your bio dad again, and you would never care for him because your mother and stepfather are the ones you would be taking care of."
"Just communicate that with both of them. And for god's sake, take the damn apartment! NTA." ~ mantrawish
"Congratulations on your new apartment. Your mom's feelings are emotion, not logic. Does she really want you to miss this opportunity out of spite towards her ex? NTA." ~ chaotic-cleric
"NTA—make sure you cover all your legal bases and make sure bio Dad doesn't have any kind of legal loopholes to have access to the apartment once you take ownership. Make sure you can afford any taxes and insurance on the place."
"Then take it. Never give up organic opportunities just out of spite. Life is hard enough."
"Sounds like yours was worse than most. No reason to let pride or misguided righteousness hold you back further."
"Take it. Take it. Take it."
"Your thought that it is an inheritance from your grandmother is a good one."
"Your family will probably not understand for a while, but it's really selfish of them to let their pettiness influence you so negatively. I'd think of it that way during the emotional time. Hopefully they will see things from your point of view eventually." ~ marheena
"You are not accepting inheritance from your father, but instead, your grandmother. Do not let their insecurities stop you from receiving a life-changing opportunity."
"In time, they will come to realize that they were rash and selfish to convince you not to take it." ~ jojo_jones
"Take it. Your parents are concerned, sure, but this is an inheritance free and clear of any obligations. It doesn't mean you're accepting your dad or forgiving him. NTA." ~ PrincessCG
"My dad had a similar situation when the man who was his biological father died. Dad didn't want anything to do with him even after death because of how sh*tty he was to him, abandoning him as a child."
"Lost out on 1.5 million in assets. So his share went to other heirs. He really showed him, huh?"
"Don't let a false sense of 'getting even' cost you an opportunity." ~ therealsatansweasel
"NTA. Definitely take it—this could change your life and be the only good thing that could have come from your deadbeat dad. I understand why it's hard for your mom, but she will understand in time." ~ FoolofaTook43246
As many pointed out, the inheritance is from the OP's paternal grandmother, not his father.
Any gratitude should be for her.
If it gives him a financial leg up, why not use it?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp