It's always best to be kind when rejecting people's advances, but sometimes people just won't take no for answer. What should you do then?
A gay guy on Reddit found himself in this situation when a woman he met in a bar wouldn't stop coming on to him and he ended up giving her a snarky response.
After his friends told him he was being mean, he wasn't sure about how he'd handled it. So he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by kineticvibes on the site, asked:
"AITA for telling a girl to HMU if she decides to become a man?"
He explained:
"I (25M[ale]) was out with friends last night and we want to a bar. This girl made eye contact with me when i walked in and I smiled at her. Me being a gay man i thought nothing of it."
"About 20 minutes later, the same girl walks up to my friends and I, its clear she is very drunk, and says to me 'Do you want to buy me a drink?' To which I replied, 'no sorry, im here just to hang with my friends.' I am still not totally comfortable telling any old stranger on first meeting that im gay- so this seemed like the best course of action for me."
"She looks rejected and a bit frustrated now behind her glossy eyes and says 'a pretty girl wants to drink with you and you say no?' Now I'm getting frustrated, and i kind of snap and say 'well im gay so pretty girls dont work on me.'"
"She snarkily laughs and goes 'well if you ever decide to date women let me know' to which i very snappily replied 'if you ever decide to become a man let me know.'"
"You could tell it embarrassed her and my friends all kind of got mad at me saying that I should have patience and be nicer. AITA?"
Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And for the most part they absolutely loved his response--especially since it was as inclusive as it was snarky.
"Nta if she was a dude people would call her an incel for behaving like she's entitled to anyone's attention. It's not cute when dudes do it, it's not cute when dudettes do it." --NotSoBunny
"Also, why do OP's friends think it's ok for her to question his sexual identity but not for him to question her gender identity? NTA and I'd be looking out for other signs of possible homophobia from the friends." --Wynfleue
"She was super rude!! Am I nuts? I'd never ask a dude to buy me a drink outright like that, especially if he wasn't even talking to me to begin with. When I was single, if I saw a man I was interested in while out in a bar, I offer to buy him a drink - NOT ask if he'd buy me one. What kind of rude crap is that?!" --blobofdepression
"You politely declined, she didn't take the rejection well and kept pushing which pretty much forced you to come out to a stranger, who then proceeded to disregard it. Yeah, I'd be pretty pissed too. You didn't say anything insulting to her as a person, and it was a fitting comeback so I see nothing wrong."
"She should've just stopped after the first 'no' and brought that on herself. NTA" --scarlet-spider815
"Nta. You were only responding to her comment. You think fast, that was funny and imo fair. There was no need for her to be snarky, it could have actually been a funny situation. I'm pretty sure I'd piss myself laughing if I hit on a guy and he said he was gay!" --whynousernamelef
"NTA and as a trans guy, I found this very funny. Maybe she'll get on T and try again someday hahaha" --Edgecrusher2140
"HA HA no you are NTA and if I had been there, I am a 60 year old female, I would have laughed my head off. You were out with mates and she kept bothering you, she was a drunk troll and you dealt with her with humour instead of violence, good for you." --GingerMinx6
"NTA. 'You could tell it embarrassed her' Good the sooner she learns to take rejection better everyone will benefit. Maybe next time she won't be such an a**hole."
"I know we talk about much of the fear women experience when rejecting men in the event they may become violent; but, women can be just as bad. Just because they are smaller and can do less damage doesn't make it appropriate."
"I have a friend who got a drink in the face because he wouldn't buy some woman who thought her 'beauty earned her free drinks' a drink." --APotatoPancake
"NTA- She should learn to handle rejection better, and her statement was incredibly homophobic. Even if you were attracted to woman, you would be better off away from people like that, just incredibly rude and entitled." --Gabbs1715
"'A pretty girl wants to drink with you and you say no?'"
"Honey, let's adjust that. 'A girl wants to use her looks to get freebies off anyone, how dare you reject that?'"
"She was clearly trying to use anyone. That's the same mentality as going on a date with someone and ordering all the expensive items on the menu and expecting the other person to pay. It's a crappy thing to do on a date and it's a crappy thing to do in this situation too."
"Then she took a shot at your sexuality... Your sass was brilliant. She didn't care about you, your feelings, or anything but getting that next free drink. You showed her you aren't playing that game. Nothing wrong with that. If she'd had even an ounce of grace about it, you wouldn't have said it, but since she started the escalation you are NTA."
"There are times to spare another person's feelings (I'm not heartless) but when they pick up the gloves, the target should be able to feel free to knock em down a peg."
"Again I say, NTA and had I been there with you I'd have applauded." --District_Rude
"As women who used to quite enjoy the bar scene in my 20s and 30s she made quite a few errors. First no established eye contact to properly gauge the attraction. Second why didn't she offer to buy you a drink? Third not taking your first polite rebuff and graciously walking away."
"NTA." --LDCrow
"NTA, People these days are way too comfortable with pushing sexual boundaries + conversion therapy tier homophobia. A no is a no. Doesnt matter what the reason is. No one is obligated to give anyone the time of day no matter what. If you say you're only interested in this, no one has the right to dismiss it and insinuate that you should actually be attracted to that. Its beyond gross." --Andwaee
"NTA. You said no. You didn't owe her your sexuality at all. You could have just said "I said NO. Back off." And you still wouldn't be TA. You told her out of whatever sense of being nice etc you were feeling. Next time don't tell that part. Just say NO again."
"And she started it with her 'pretty girl' comment. So payback. and your friends aren't really friends. Guessing most, if not all, are straight. Thus why they were offended about how you treated a woman" --Annual-Contract-115
"NTA- being a creepy incel is a uniquely universal trait- it occurs clear across every spectrum."
"You told her you weren't interested, she got mad and rude, you turned her exact comment back on her (though I'd of added probably tacked on 'actually nevermind- I have higher standards than male and breathing.'"
"NTA and it's such a double standard that guys being pushy creeps get called out but women doing the exact same thing is somehow acceptable." --acegirl1985
"Don't dish it if you can't take it. You weren't overly rude or anything like that, you responded pretty much in the same way and on the same level she did. Could it have been resolved more politely? Yeah probably."
"Did it make you wrong? Nope, not one bit. NTA" --Lotex_Style
"NTA."
"This makes me think back to this one time I was a cashier and this girl who was really dressed up in a revealing outfit and face-full of make up was buying a lot of alcohol."
"She looked like she was checking her pockets for money and was like 'I don't have enough to cover all of this! Oh no! What am I going to do?' and looked around at the other customers behind her and in other lines around us, but no one was biting. I was like 'I guess you'll have to put something back.' and she pouted and did just that so she could leave." --Lovely_Hues
Hopefully the woman who kept bugging OP can learn from this.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.