It’s always best to be kind when rejecting people’s advances, but sometimes people just won’t take no for answer. What should you do then?
A gay guy on Reddit found himself in this situation when a woman he met in a bar wouldn’t stop coming on to him and he ended up giving her a snarky response.
After his friends told him he was being mean, he wasn’t sure about how he’d handled it. So he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by kineticvibes on the site, asked:
“AITA for telling a girl to HMU if she decides to become a man?”
“I (25M[ale]) was out with friends last night and we want to a bar. This girl made eye contact with me when i walked in and I smiled at her. Me being a gay man i thought nothing of it.”
“About 20 minutes later, the same girl walks up to my friends and I, its clear she is very drunk, and says to me ‘Do you want to buy me a drink?’ To which I replied, ‘no sorry, im here just to hang with my friends.’ I am still not totally comfortable telling any old stranger on first meeting that im gay- so this seemed like the best course of action for me.”
“She looks rejected and a bit frustrated now behind her glossy eyes and says ‘a pretty girl wants to drink with you and you say no?’ Now I’m getting frustrated, and i kind of snap and say ‘well im gay so pretty girls dont work on me.'”
“She snarkily laughs and goes ‘well if you ever decide to date women let me know’ to which i very snappily replied ‘if you ever decide to become a man let me know.'”
“You could tell it embarrassed her and my friends all kind of got mad at me saying that I should have patience and be nicer. AITA?”
Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
And for the most part they absolutely loved his response–especially since it was as inclusive as it was snarky.
“Nta if she was a dude people would call her an incel for behaving like she’s entitled to anyone’s attention. It’s not cute when dudes do it, it’s not cute when dudettes do it.” –NotSoBunny
“Also, why do OP’s friends think it’s ok for her to question his sexual identity but not for him to question her gender identity? NTA and I’d be looking out for other signs of possible homophobia from the friends.” –Wynfleue
“She was super rude!! Am I nuts? I’d never ask a dude to buy me a drink outright like that, especially if he wasn’t even talking to me to begin with. When I was single, if I saw a man I was interested in while out in a bar, I offer to buy him a drink – NOT ask if he’d buy me one. What kind of rude crap is that?!” –blobofdepression
“You politely declined, she didn’t take the rejection well and kept pushing which pretty much forced you to come out to a stranger, who then proceeded to disregard it. Yeah, I’d be pretty pissed too. You didn’t say anything insulting to her as a person, and it was a fitting comeback so I see nothing wrong.”
“She should’ve just stopped after the first ‘no’ and brought that on herself. NTA” –scarlet-spider815
“Nta. You were only responding to her comment. You think fast, that was funny and imo fair. There was no need for her to be snarky, it could have actually been a funny situation. I’m pretty sure I’d piss myself laughing if I hit on a guy and he said he was gay!” –whynousernamelef
“NTA and as a trans guy, I found this very funny. Maybe she’ll get on T and try again someday hahaha” –Edgecrusher2140
“HA HA no you are NTA and if I had been there, I am a 60 year old female, I would have laughed my head off. You were out with mates and she kept bothering you, she was a drunk troll and you dealt with her with humour instead of violence, good for you.” –GingerMinx6
“NTA. ‘You could tell it embarrassed her’ Good the sooner she learns to take rejection better everyone will benefit. Maybe next time she won’t be such an a**hole.”
“I know we talk about much of the fear women experience when rejecting men in the event they may become violent; but, women can be just as bad. Just because they are smaller and can do less damage doesn’t make it appropriate.”
“I have a friend who got a drink in the face because he wouldn’t buy some woman who thought her ‘beauty earned her free drinks’ a drink.” –APotatoPancake
“NTA- She should learn to handle rejection better, and her statement was incredibly homophobic. Even if you were attracted to woman, you would be better off away from people like that, just incredibly rude and entitled.” –Gabbs1715
“‘A pretty girl wants to drink with you and you say no?'”
“Honey, let’s adjust that. ‘A girl wants to use her looks to get freebies off anyone, how dare you reject that?'”
“She was clearly trying to use anyone. That’s the same mentality as going on a date with someone and ordering all the expensive items on the menu and expecting the other person to pay. It’s a crappy thing to do on a date and it’s a crappy thing to do in this situation too.”
“Then she took a shot at your sexuality… Your sass was brilliant. She didn’t care about you, your feelings, or anything but getting that next free drink. You showed her you aren’t playing that game. Nothing wrong with that. If she’d had even an ounce of grace about it, you wouldn’t have said it, but since she started the escalation you are NTA.”
“There are times to spare another person’s feelings (I’m not heartless) but when they pick up the gloves, the target should be able to feel free to knock em down a peg.”
“Again I say, NTA and had I been there with you I’d have applauded.” –District_Rude
“As women who used to quite enjoy the bar scene in my 20s and 30s she made quite a few errors. First no established eye contact to properly gauge the attraction. Second why didn’t she offer to buy you a drink? Third not taking your first polite rebuff and graciously walking away.”
“NTA, People these days are way too comfortable with pushing sexual boundaries + conversion therapy tier homophobia. A no is a no. Doesnt matter what the reason is. No one is obligated to give anyone the time of day no matter what. If you say you’re only interested in this, no one has the right to dismiss it and insinuate that you should actually be attracted to that. Its beyond gross.” –Andwaee
“NTA. You said no. You didn’t owe her your sexuality at all. You could have just said “I said NO. Back off.” And you still wouldn’t be TA. You told her out of whatever sense of being nice etc you were feeling. Next time don’t tell that part. Just say NO again.”
“And she started it with her ‘pretty girl’ comment. So payback. and your friends aren‘t really friends. Guessing most, if not all, are straight. Thus why they were offended about how you treated a woman” –Annual-Contract-115
“NTA- being a creepy incel is a uniquely universal trait- it occurs clear across every spectrum.”
“You told her you weren’t interested, she got mad and rude, you turned her exact comment back on her (though I’d of added probably tacked on ‘actually nevermind- I have higher standards than male and breathing.'”
“NTA and it’s such a double standard that guys being pushy creeps get called out but women doing the exact same thing is somehow acceptable.” –acegirl1985
“Don’t dish it if you can’t take it. You weren’t overly rude or anything like that, you responded pretty much in the same way and on the same level she did.
Could it have been resolved more politely? Yeah probably.”
“Did it make you wrong? Nope, not one bit. NTA” –Lotex_Style
“This makes me think back to this one time I was a cashier and this girl who was really dressed up in a revealing outfit and face-full of make up was buying a lot of alcohol.”
“She looked like she was checking her pockets for money and was like ‘I don’t have enough to cover all of this! Oh no! What am I going to do?’ and looked around at the other customers behind her and in other lines around us, but no one was biting. I was like ‘I guess you’ll have to put something back.’ and she pouted and did just that so she could leave.” –Lovely_Hues
Hopefully the woman who kept bugging OP can learn from this.