As the character of 'Fleabag' once famously said: "Hair is everything!"
To many people, this statement is a mantra.
Hairstyles can be a personal and political statement.
They can be a sign of freedom.
The way some people choose to style their hair speaks volumes.
However, not everyone wants to listen.
Redditor StormPetrel72 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for cutting my hair short, knowing it would cause distress in my family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A couple of months ago, in April, I (18 F[emale]) got a haircut without telling my parents."
"Went from long hair to a mullet-esque style."
"When I got home, and my mom saw, she was immediately very upset."
"Yelling and calling a bunch of people in the family to tell them about how I ruined my hair and that I want to look like a boy now."
"Then, ignoring me for weeks."
"Flash forward to today, I had told my mom that I want my hair shorter on the sides and front, to which she offered to do it herself."
"I didn’t want that because I know she wouldn’t cut as much as I’d like or try to control the style even if I didn’t like it."
"So I went and had it done (still the same length in the back, just slightly shorter bangs, and a piece of both sides of my head is shaved) and came home, to which she stated multiple times that she didn’t like how it looks."
"I told her that it’s fine that she doesn’t like it."
"I go to my room, and she comes in crying and asking why I can’t just 'conduct myself properly for myself, the family, and society.'”
"The haircut is so ugly, and everyone will talk about me behind my back."
"That she is okay with me being a lesbian (she’s not), but can’t I just be feminine?"
"That she hates that I’m doing this to her and to stop immediately, or else (what this 'else' is yet to be determined)."
"It’s complicated because, of course, I don’t want to upset my parents, and I do still live with them, but that situation is not changing anytime soon."
"They’re Indo-Caribbean and carry those values, though I was born and raised in Canada."
"Honestly, I’ve loved having short hair."
"I’ve wanted it for so long. I’ve gotten more compliments than I can count on it, a few from absolute strangers even."
"It’s easier to manage the heat, maintain, wash, and work out with it."
"I think it looks great, and I definitely feel more like me with it."
"I don’t think I’d ever want to go back to having long hair."
"I just wish my family would accept that."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Same Indo-Caribbean background (not a lesbian)."
"Your mom isn’t concerned about you."
"She is concerned about how her extended family and friends will judge HER."
"Is the cultural shame that they get so worked up about?"
"You've got to move out sooner rather than later."
"Otherwise is just suffocating."
"And they won’t want you to move out either, because culturally you only do that when you get married."
"It’s exhausting." ~ Pink_Unicorn_99
"NTA. Here’s the thing: you have nothing to feel guilty for if extended family is making her feel bad."
"You don’t control their reactions, and I assume the only reason they know is either by seeing you or she tells them."
"Parents with healthy relationships with their kids don’t cry about how it makes them feel when you cut your hair, nor do they try to reduce it to a sexuality and then dictate how that sexuality must appear."
"If you did something like got a bad haircut (like not well done, not just atypical for her taste), they might tell you, and might recommend against it for professional work, but they would not shame you as if it’s dishonorable or a moral failing."
"Nor would they threaten you with ‘or else.'"
"Because it’s not, it’s your body, your hair, your form of expression, and you haven’t even chosen an outrageous style that would make the average employer balk, I’ve met plenty of women who’ve done the mullet style, and they’re employed."
"Now, with all that said, she’s probably not going to see reason and will continue to have these fits if you cut your hair, it’s up to you how much you will tolerate and how much you think she will ‘tolerate.'"
"If you think she could go nuclear over it and kick you out, I’d advise you to tread lightly; it doesn’t make her right, but it will be for your own safety." ~ CherryTearDrops
"I don’t know if your family knows this, but hair grows back."
"You might want to explain that to them." ~ Delicious_Deer_Di*k
"NTA! Fellow Indo-Caribbean person here,"
"I promise you that they'll continue to fatigue you in numerous ways even after you've already moved out and started your own life away from them."
"I encourage you to work on your mental health and boundaries because breaking away from the conditioning of prioritizing family/societal preference and pressure will take a lot of time and effort."
"I recommend you point out that you don't have a life-threatening disease or abusive relationship, and you don't disrespect your parents, so they're doing a lot better than they think." ~ Imaginary_Escape2887
"Don't stay in despair because your parents can AND WILL find ways to deepen that despair."
"Things will get better when you spend less time around them and more time with people who accept you just as you are."
"I know it's not easy, but I do recommend you consider moving out, if possible."
"It does wonders for your well-being and self-esteem." ~ Imaginary_Escape2887
"Instead of chasing my dreams, I worked soul-killing, miserable jobs for 20 years trying to gain my parents' approval."
"Because I didn't marry a man and have kids, I will never, ever have it, no matter what I do."
"I'm so, so glad you figured out that it is more important to be yourself and happy so much sooner than I did, OP."
"I'm sorry your parents wanted a trophy to parade past their friends instead of wanting to experience the joy of watching a little human figure out who they want to be and celebrating every phase along the way."
"From a person who is old enough to be your parent: I'm proud of you for choosing yourself 💜."
"NTA." ~ dance_al
"Big NTA!"
"My mum had me grow my hair to almost knee length."
"It’s thick and heavy hair, I struggled to wash it on my own, so I always needed some family member to help me wash it."
"The moment I left home (still < 18-year-old), I went to a hairdresser and had it cut to shoulder length."
"The absolute relief of doing that!!! "
"The feeling of owning my looks was fantastic."
"And my headaches became way less frequent."
"My mum was livid."
"She even went and screamed at the hairdresser."
"I apologized to them later on."
"She ranted at me as if I’d cut her hair short during her sleep."
"You do you!"
"Mullets and undercuts have a long tradition in our queer community, so welcome to that." ~ This_is_Bat
"NTA. You're an adult, and it's just hair."
"It's not like you came home with a Mike Tyson face tattoo."
"I do think that if this continues, you may want to move away for college and create some boundaries and establish yourself as an adult, so they dont cry over a haircut."
"That behavior is weird on their part." ~ Wonderful_Setting_29
"NTA. Funny coincidence, my sister did the exact same thing years ago, same age as you, I think."
"She didn't tell anyone, not even me, just went out with our cousins one day and came home with it shaved short on both sides of her head."
"When our mother saw, she was jumping, screaming, and crying."
"God, she hated it."
"For some of the same reasons, being that it wasn't feminine or appropriate."
"But you know what?"
"She learned to live with it, cause she can't control my sister's body."
"Same with your mom."
"No matter how much she cries, your hair won't magically grow back immediately."
"So just ignore her reaction to it, act like everything's normal, and she'll be forced to adjust soon enough."
"You'll be fine." ~ madam_amazing
"NTA, you should do what you want regarding your body (including your hair) and NOT CARE ONE BIT what your family says, and that this might be upsetting them."
"Get your hair cut and either ignore your family or tell them that what you do with your hair is your business and not theirs."
"And you also need to accept that if you want to be autonomous and also have body autonomy, you need to accept that you probably will end up upsetting your family, and that you need to think about yourself and about what you want and what makes you happy and not try to always please your family." ~ GoetheundLotte
"I spent so much of my life with long 'feminine' hair."
"About 10 years ago, I chopped it to about chin length, and have been going shorter and shorter, and now I basically shave my head every couple months."
"I have a male partner."
"I've started to feel free once I dedicated my mind to f*ck the norms, I'll do what feels right to me."
"NTA. You would only be TA to yourself if you suppressed your authentic self." ~ Locked_in_a_room
Reddit is standing by you, OP.
Again... hair can be everything!
Your mom is out of line.
You deserve to be you!
It's your hair.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp