As the character of 'Fleabag' once famously said: "Hair is everything!"
To many people, this statement is a mantra.
Hairstyles can be a personal and political statement.
They can be a sign of freedom.
The way some people choose to style their hair speaks volumes.
However, not everyone wants to listen.
Redditor StormPetrel72 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for cutting my hair short, knowing it would cause distress in my family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A couple of months ago, in April, I (18 F[emale]) got a haircut without telling my parents."
"Went from long hair to a mullet-esque style."
"When I got home, and my mom saw, she was immediately very upset."
"Yelling and calling a bunch of people in the family to tell them about how I ruined my hair and that I want to look like a boy now."
"Then, ignoring me for weeks."
"Flash forward to today, I had told my mom that I want my hair shorter on the sides and front, to which she offered to do it herself."
"I didn’t want that because I know she wouldn’t cut as much as I’d like or try to control the style even if I didn’t like it."
"So I went and had it done (still the same length in the back, just slightly shorter bangs, and a piece of both sides of my head is shaved) and came home, to which she stated multiple times that she didn’t like how it looks."
"I told her that it’s fine that she doesn’t like it."
"I go to my room, and she comes in crying and asking why I can’t just 'conduct myself properly for myself, the family, and society.'”
"The haircut is so ugly, and everyone will talk about me behind my back."
"That she is okay with me being a lesbian (she’s not), but can’t I just be feminine?"
"That she hates that I’m doing this to her and to stop immediately, or else (what this 'else' is yet to be determined)."
"It’s complicated because, of course, I don’t want to upset my parents, and I do still live with them, but that situation is not changing anytime soon."
"They’re Indo-Caribbean and carry those values, though I was born and raised in Canada."
"Honestly, I’ve loved having short hair."
"I’ve wanted it for so long. I’ve gotten more compliments than I can count on it, a few from absolute strangers even."
"It’s easier to manage the heat, maintain, wash, and work out with it."
"I think it looks great, and I definitely feel more like me with it."
"I don’t think I’d ever want to go back to having long hair."
"I just wish my family would accept that."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Same Indo-Caribbean background (not a lesbian)."
"Your mom isn’t concerned about you."
"She is concerned about how her extended family and friends will judge HER."
"Is the cultural shame that they get so worked up about?"
"You've got to move out sooner rather than later."
"Otherwise is just suffocating."
"And they won’t want you to move out either, because culturally you only do that when you get married."
"It’s exhausting." ~ Pink_Unicorn_99
"NTA. Here’s the thing: you have nothing to feel guilty for if extended family is making her feel bad."
"You don’t control their reactions, and I assume the only reason they know is either by seeing you or she tells them."
"Parents with healthy relationships with their kids don’t cry about how it makes them feel when you cut your hair, nor do they try to reduce it to a sexuality and then dictate how that sexuality must appear."
"If you did something like got a bad haircut (like not well done, not just atypical for her taste), they might tell you, and might recommend against it for professional work, but they would not shame you as if it’s dishonorable or a moral failing."
"Nor would they threaten you with ‘or else.'"
"Because it’s not, it’s your body, your hair, your form of expression, and you haven’t even chosen an outrageous style that would make the average employer balk, I’ve met plenty of women who’ve done the mullet style, and they’re employed."
"Now, with all that said, she’s probably not going to see reason and will continue to have these fits if you cut your hair, it’s up to you how much you will tolerate and how much you think she will ‘tolerate.'"
"If you think she could go nuclear over it and kick you out, I’d advise you to tread lightly; it doesn’t make her right, but it will be for your own safety." ~ CherryTearDrops
"I don’t know if your family knows this, but hair grows back."
"You might want to explain that to them." ~ Delicious_Deer_Di*k
"NTA! Fellow Indo-Caribbean person here,"
"I promise you that they'll continue to fatigue you in numerous ways even after you've already moved out and started your own life away from them."
"I encourage you to work on your mental health and boundaries because breaking away from the conditioning of prioritizing family/societal preference and pressure will take a lot of time and effort."
"I recommend you point out that you don't have a life-threatening disease or abusive relationship, and you don't disrespect your parents, so they're doing a lot better than they think." ~ Imaginary_Escape2887
"Don't stay in despair because your parents can AND WILL find ways to deepen that despair."
"Things will get better when you spend less time around them and more time with people who accept you just as you are."
"I know it's not easy, but I do recommend you consider moving out, if possible."
"It does wonders for your well-being and self-esteem." ~ Imaginary_Escape2887
"Instead of chasing my dreams, I worked soul-killing, miserable jobs for 20 years trying to gain my parents' approval."
"Because I didn't marry a man and have kids, I will never, ever have it, no matter what I do."
"I'm so, so glad you figured out that it is more important to be yourself and happy so much sooner than I did, OP."
"I'm sorry your parents wanted a trophy to parade past their friends instead of wanting to experience the joy of watching a little human figure out who they want to be and celebrating every phase along the way."
"From a person who is old enough to be your parent: I'm proud of you for choosing yourself 💜."
"NTA." ~ dance_al
"Big NTA!"
"My mum had me grow my hair to almost knee length."
"It’s thick and heavy hair, I struggled to wash it on my own, so I always needed some family member to help me wash it."
"The moment I left home (still < 18-year-old), I went to a hairdresser and had it cut to shoulder length."
"The absolute relief of doing that!!! "
"The feeling of owning my looks was fantastic."
"And my headaches became way less frequent."
"My mum was livid."
"She even went and screamed at the hairdresser."
"I apologized to them later on."
"She ranted at me as if I’d cut her hair short during her sleep."
"You do you!"
"Mullets and undercuts have a long tradition in our queer community, so welcome to that." ~ This_is_Bat
"NTA. You're an adult, and it's just hair."
"It's not like you came home with a Mike Tyson face tattoo."
"I do think that if this continues, you may want to move away for college and create some boundaries and establish yourself as an adult, so they dont cry over a haircut."
"That behavior is weird on their part." ~ Wonderful_Setting_29
"NTA. Funny coincidence, my sister did the exact same thing years ago, same age as you, I think."
"She didn't tell anyone, not even me, just went out with our cousins one day and came home with it shaved short on both sides of her head."
"When our mother saw, she was jumping, screaming, and crying."
"God, she hated it."
"For some of the same reasons, being that it wasn't feminine or appropriate."
"But you know what?"
"She learned to live with it, cause she can't control my sister's body."
"Same with your mom."
"No matter how much she cries, your hair won't magically grow back immediately."
"So just ignore her reaction to it, act like everything's normal, and she'll be forced to adjust soon enough."
"You'll be fine." ~ madam_amazing
"NTA, you should do what you want regarding your body (including your hair) and NOT CARE ONE BIT what your family says, and that this might be upsetting them."
"Get your hair cut and either ignore your family or tell them that what you do with your hair is your business and not theirs."
"And you also need to accept that if you want to be autonomous and also have body autonomy, you need to accept that you probably will end up upsetting your family, and that you need to think about yourself and about what you want and what makes you happy and not try to always please your family." ~ GoetheundLotte
"I spent so much of my life with long 'feminine' hair."
"About 10 years ago, I chopped it to about chin length, and have been going shorter and shorter, and now I basically shave my head every couple months."
"I have a male partner."
"I've started to feel free once I dedicated my mind to f*ck the norms, I'll do what feels right to me."
"NTA. You would only be TA to yourself if you suppressed your authentic self." ~ Locked_in_a_room
Reddit is standing by you, OP.
Again... hair can be everything!
Your mom is out of line.
You deserve to be you!
It's your hair.
Good Luck.
