Gym safety goes beyond spotters and using equipment properly. It's also about rooting out people who deliberately intimidate and harass others for whatever reason.
And that doesn't happen if people turn a blind eye to bad behavior.
A man turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being confronted at his gym.
Educational-Note-225 asked:
"AITA for telling a guy to mind his own business at the gym and possibly getting him in trouble?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, male) go to the gym about three times a week after work. Sometimes, my friend 'Dave' (27, nonbinary) also has a membership to the same gym and tries to go as often as possible."
"They vastly prefer to go to the gym when I am also there because Dave is nonbinary (NB) and they look pretty androgynous, and because of this, they have had some uncomfortable scenarios at the gym before, especially in the locker room."
"Depending on how rough the workout of the day was, Dave and I don't always shower at the gym. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. When we are both showering, Dave prefers that I shower in the stall next to them."
"When only I am showering, Dave waits in the atrium of the gym for me. When only Dave is showering, Dave asks that I wait for them inside the locker room because they do not feel safe being alone while in that vulnerable position."
"Yesterday, Dave and I worked out. I wanted to shower at home, but Dave said they felt gross, so they wanted to shower at the gym. I said 'cool' and pulled out a book and sat on a bench that faced the hallway to the showers."
"I was facing away from all the lockers, but I was still essentially in the locker room. About ten minutes go by, and a guy approaches me and asks me if I need something."
"I answer him politely and say, 'No, I'm alright. I'm just waiting for a friend who's in the shower.' He gets a weird look and says, 'Well, maybe you should wait outside the locker room. It's weird you're just sitting here reading in the locker room'."
"I reply, 'I'm facing away from the lockers. My friend asked me to wait for them inside the locker room. I'm not bothering anyone. Mind your own business. I'll likely be gone within 15 minutes'."
"He gets huffy with me, but goes away. A few minutes later, Dave gets out of the shower, already dressed, and tells me they're ready to go. The guy from before sees Dave and says, 'ohhhh i get it. You're not even supposed to BE in this locker room. Are you?'."
"At this point, I don't want to engage with him any further, so I just tell Dave we should go, and we leave, but later that night, it bothered me, so I sent an email to the gym staff, telling them what happened, and they told me they were taking it very seriously and would investigate."
"Dave thinks I went too far by reporting the guy, and I should have just chalked it up to him being a dick and moved on."
"TL;DR: I was waiting for a friend to get out of the shower at the gym. A guy confronted me and said something rude to my friend, so I reported him."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I may have been the a**hole for waiting inside the locker room for my friend, and I may have been the a**hole for reporting the guy when Dave said I should have just let it go."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"This guy proved 100% that Dave’s discomfort with being in the locker room without you was warranted. I don’t know that I could have refrained from saying something like 'I’m in here in case an a**hole like you shows up to bother my friend. Thanks for proving us right'.”
"NTA, and if he gets in trouble, he brought it on himself. Maybe he’ll learn to mind his own business." ~ DrMoneybeard
"NTA, but your friend is probably afraid of retaliations so they prefer not to prolong confrontation. You’re a good friend though. Walking away/letting it go in the moment was best for Dave's immediate comfort, but reporting the guy later was best for everyone's safety." ~ Fiji_Water_airplay
"NTA. You did the right thing. That dude obviously was going to be bigoted to Dave, and who knows how far it would have gone if you weren't there."
"Your gym deserves to know they have a random gym goer policing the locker rooms like a weirdo. These transvestigators need a hobby." ~ thoracicbunk
"Well, [South Carolina MAGA Republican Representative] Nancy Mace is out of a job, so she has plenty of free time to go try to 'gotcha' trans people. So she's going to be pursuing her dream." ~ Huge-Shallot5297
"She isn’t out of a job yet. That thirsty stunt queen has 6.5 months left in her term to get public attention as a petty and vengeful perpetual victim after [President] DJT endorsed her opponent and the oversight committee investigated her." ~ jmd709
"If we just let people be d*cks, we're just going to be surrounded by bigger and bigger dicks. We can hold people accountable for bad behavior. NTA." ~ Anianna
"NTA, and it isn't just about how Dave feels. In my opinion, you're making the gym safer for everyone. Maybe there are people who don't have friends to hang with them and help them feel safe who this guy would have also said/already has said sh*t to." ~ Bookslutforsmut
"NTA. It’s ironic that the guy questioning you waiting for your friend is the guy who demonstrates why your friend asks you for support." ~ Proof_Injury_7668
"NTA. Good on you for standing up for your friend. Gym dude could have kept his mouth shut and life would have kept moving as usual. Now he may lose his membership. Oh well." ~ RindaC10
"NTA. Thank you for being an ally! I’m NB as well, and am worried how things will go in those sorts of spaces after my top surgery."
"I’m likely projecting, but Dave may be used to a degree of not rocking the boat to get through their life. I love that you’re there to give the boat a shake when it needs to happen." ~ Able_Pay6016
"NTA. You could've looked right at him and said 'Yeah, they don't want to alone with sh*theads like you.' Would've been hard for me not to stand up after he said that shit, but you took Dave's comfort into consideration."
"Not only should you report him, but the gym's response sounds like they're actually from 2026, a gem in the rough in some areas. Hopefully they give the d-bag a week or two ban after explaining to him that 'all are welcome, even your stupid a**' so maybe he'll learn to mind his own business."
"Let the gym exercise its good policies—it's a win for everyone." ~ saxguy9345
"Your friend is nonbinary, but there are plenty of people who identify as male that this guy would probably harass as well. And who knows how far he'd take his bigotry if left alone in a locker room with anyone who doesn't meet his warped standards."
"Reporting him after you left was the best scenario for Dave and everyone else who uses your gym. This guy is probably a lot worse than what he displayed in front of a man he might be intimidated by (you, OP)."
"And even if he never went beyond words, no one deserves to be harassed when they're just trying to live their lives. NTA, you did the right thing." MohawMais
The OP provided an update:
"I did show Dave this post; they read all your comments, and they agreed that reporting the guy was the right thing to do. The gym got back to me that the guy was talked to, and, in the process of that conversation, he said 'things that go against the community we hope to foster at the gym, as well as threatening comments we have forwarded to the police' and he was subsequently banned from the gym and trespassed."
"The gym staff also reached out to Dave and asked if there was anything they could do to help them feel more comfortable in the gym itself and in the locker room, and Dave has been talking with them to try to find solutions that would benefit themselves and other marginalized people."
"Also, several of the commenters asked why I didn't curse the guy out or worse, or said they would have gone further after what they said to Dave. Trust me, in the moment, I wanted to."
"But that's not what Dave would have wanted. I was tired after my workout, so my fuse for dealing with people was already short, so I knew if I started going at the guy, I would have gone big and loud, and I knew from the look on Dave's face that they just wanted to get out of there, so that's what I did."
"Thank you all for your reassuring comments and your outpouring of love and understanding of Dave. They greatly appreciate it."
OP was worried about getting this man in trouble, but his inability to leave others alone is what got the man in trouble.
The gym rightfully decided everyone would be safer with him gone.
