Coming to terms with your sexuality or gender identity is a different process for everyone. Each person's experience and timeline is specific to them.
When a young man's significant other reached a milestone in their life, he was initially happy for them. But when they began to demand he deny his own identity to better support theirs, it caused friction in their five year relationship.
So he turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
Redditor ThrowRA15159 posted:
"My partner came out as non-binary and is now insisting I call myself pansexual."
He explained:
"I've been with my partner (V) for 5 years. I'm 26M and they're 27, female at birth. For as long as I've known them, they were very girly and comfortable being associated with being female."
"However, quarantine and isolation caused them to do a lot of introspection and realized they're much more comfortable identifying as non-binary (nb) and with they/them pronouns. I was very supportive, because I fell in love with this person for who they are and nothing was going to change that."
"V seemed much happier since coming out as nb. They've struggled with depression for a long time, and this is really the happiest I've ever seen them."
"So all in all, it was a positive situation."
Things did not stay positive for the Original Poster (OP) and his partner however.
"However, within the past week they asked me what this means for my sexuality since I'm dating someone who's non-binary. They said that pansexuals date 'people, not genders' and that that makes the most sense for me."
"I was very uncomfortable with this as I've only dated females, and V's gender identity was very recent. I still consider myself straight."
"My partner passes as a female, and I am attracted to their more feminine features. I am not attracted to 'masculine looking' people."
"I tried explaining this to V but they got extremely offended and said that I wasn't accepting them living their true gender identity if I'm still a straight male. I'm relatively new to learning about gender and sexuality so I honestly don't know if I'm at fault here."
"I just want to continue loving my partner and not change what I've labeled myself as my whole life because of this. But this behavior is genuinely making me reconsider my feelings for them."
Redditors were pretty universal in their advice.
"Your partner gets to decide what term they use for themself, you get to decide what term you use for yourself. That's not your partner's decision to make." ~ Fragrant_Spray
"Trying to force OP to re-label his own sexuality is massively hypocritical!" ~ Kissed_By_Fire_X
"Agreed. I wonder if V would accept you saying 'I'm a straight male in a queer relationship.' That phrasing respects both your sexual identity and their gender identity." ~ Melanie_Jellyfish
Redditors suggested a label that would not invalidate the OP's identity while validating his partner's gender identity: straight male in a queer relationship.
"I think this is a really good compromise. I've dated a handful of NB people but I still consider myself straight because while I don't care about their gender identity I do still only really like sex with a body that would be traditionally identified as male." ~ sir-winkles2
"You could explain that you're still most comfortable with the label you've always used and that doesn't change your love for them. Your support and compliance in their gender identity change should be enough."
"Maybe they just need to understand that you're fully supportive. I'd think a non binary person would understand better than anyone that labels and words have very little meaning." ~ BeachBumbershoot
"One of the things that you both need to understand is that labels are only good when they're helpful. For them, the non-binary label is helpful to them, but they're also trying to pin you into a position on a spectrum for their own benefit and that's bad for both of you."
"If you decide to label yourself as pan, that has to be your own journey. In the meantime, you love this person and you two shouldn't have to think about your identity labels beyond that for now." ~ MrJollyBlastoise
Really there was no logical response for Redditors except for the OP to continue to identify himself in whatever way was right for him.
"As others have stated, you are the only person who gets to define your sexuality."
"Perhaps it will take some time for V to become comfortable with the fact that you truly do love and support them, but I hope they can come to understand that forcing you to identify as a pansexual when you consider yourself straight is analogous to forcing someone into a gender identity that they don't agree with." ~ Theorlain
Love, support and acceptance need to go both ways in their relationship. The OP cannot support their partner if their partner refuses to accept and support them.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.