Coming to terms with your sexuality or gender identity is a different process for everyone. Each person's experience and timeline is specific to them.
When a young man's significant other reached a milestone in their life, he was initially happy for them. But when they began to demand he deny his own identity to better support theirs, it caused friction in their five year relationship.
So he turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
Redditor ThrowRA15159 posted:
"My partner came out as non-binary and is now insisting I call myself pansexual."
He explained:
"I've been with my partner (V) for 5 years. I'm 26M and they're 27, female at birth. For as long as I've known them, they were very girly and comfortable being associated with being female."
"However, quarantine and isolation caused them to do a lot of introspection and realized they're much more comfortable identifying as non-binary (nb) and with they/them pronouns. I was very supportive, because I fell in love with this person for who they are and nothing was going to change that."
"V seemed much happier since coming out as nb. They've struggled with depression for a long time, and this is really the happiest I've ever seen them."
"So all in all, it was a positive situation."
Things did not stay positive for the Original Poster (OP) and his partner however.
"However, within the past week they asked me what this means for my sexuality since I'm dating someone who's non-binary. They said that pansexuals date 'people, not genders' and that that makes the most sense for me."
"I was very uncomfortable with this as I've only dated females, and V's gender identity was very recent. I still consider myself straight."
"My partner passes as a female, and I am attracted to their more feminine features. I am not attracted to 'masculine looking' people."
"I tried explaining this to V but they got extremely offended and said that I wasn't accepting them living their true gender identity if I'm still a straight male. I'm relatively new to learning about gender and sexuality so I honestly don't know if I'm at fault here."
"I just want to continue loving my partner and not change what I've labeled myself as my whole life because of this. But this behavior is genuinely making me reconsider my feelings for them."
Redditors were pretty universal in their advice.
"Your partner gets to decide what term they use for themself, you get to decide what term you use for yourself. That's not your partner's decision to make." ~ Fragrant_Spray
"Trying to force OP to re-label his own sexuality is massively hypocritical!" ~ Kissed_By_Fire_X
"Agreed. I wonder if V would accept you saying 'I'm a straight male in a queer relationship.' That phrasing respects both your sexual identity and their gender identity." ~ Melanie_Jellyfish
Redditors suggested a label that would not invalidate the OP's identity while validating his partner's gender identity: straight male in a queer relationship.
"I think this is a really good compromise. I've dated a handful of NB people but I still consider myself straight because while I don't care about their gender identity I do still only really like sex with a body that would be traditionally identified as male." ~ sir-winkles2
"You could explain that you're still most comfortable with the label you've always used and that doesn't change your love for them. Your support and compliance in their gender identity change should be enough."
"Maybe they just need to understand that you're fully supportive. I'd think a non binary person would understand better than anyone that labels and words have very little meaning." ~ BeachBumbershoot
"One of the things that you both need to understand is that labels are only good when they're helpful. For them, the non-binary label is helpful to them, but they're also trying to pin you into a position on a spectrum for their own benefit and that's bad for both of you."
"If you decide to label yourself as pan, that has to be your own journey. In the meantime, you love this person and you two shouldn't have to think about your identity labels beyond that for now." ~ MrJollyBlastoise
Really there was no logical response for Redditors except for the OP to continue to identify himself in whatever way was right for him.
"As others have stated, you are the only person who gets to define your sexuality."
"Perhaps it will take some time for V to become comfortable with the fact that you truly do love and support them, but I hope they can come to understand that forcing you to identify as a pansexual when you consider yourself straight is analogous to forcing someone into a gender identity that they don't agree with." ~ Theorlain
Love, support and acceptance need to go both ways in their relationship. The OP cannot support their partner if their partner refuses to accept and support them.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.