What happens when something personal is so private that it forces a person to keep things from their own best friends?
One young woman recently found out, and she shared her whole experience in a post on the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as Signal-Courage2350 on the site, highlighted the subject area in the post's title.
"AITA For telling my friends to stop saying I'm non-binary?"
OP began by describing some key dynamics in her friend group.
"I'm a 19 cis female. I've had the same circle of friends throughout high school, and they're all pretty friendly and mostly LGBTQ+."
"I'm bi and I don't really like to talk about it much, and they usually respect it, but they all had official 'coming outs' over the past few months."
For OP, it wasn't that simple.
"One of my friends is trans, one of them is also bisexual, but they both started asking me what I was exactly, since I'd made flagrant blatant comments that I was part of the LGBTQ+ (but wouldn't specify what because I cannot come out right now safely)."
Nonetheless, people started talking.
"That's when they started 'assuming' what I was. They made comments that because I liked to dress in a masculine way (and a few years ago cut my hair super short) that I must be non-binary."
"I told them I wasn't. They kept insisting that I must be, and even would start using 'they/them' pronouns for me."
OP was shocked--and confused.
"I hated it. No disrespect toward non-binary persons, but I am not one of them."
"I finally told them to stop calling me nonbinary and that I was a female person."
"They said I was an AH for not telling them what I was and that they'd keep guessing until they nailed it. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
A hefty majority of Redditors were completely on OP's side. They were shocked on her behalf.
"Uhmmmm forcing someone out of the closet, even if the door is cracked, is BULLSH**. You have the right to come out on your own terms when you are ready. NTA" -- peithecelt
"NTA, this coming from a 53 yo cis afab bi. As you said, you're not ready to be out as anything other than supportive of the community, and your so-called friends are being the a-holes AND NOT ALLIES by not letting you alone about it." -- snobahr
"NTA. What is their problem? For people that I would assume are trying to be allies, they sure are pushy for you to identify as something you're not. They either need to accept you for who you are or lose that friendship with you."
"My advice: tell them in person that you're not lying to them. If they can't accept that, then remind them that relationships are based on trust." -- Steigy73
"NTA Sorry to say this but it sounds like they're not your friends. They should know better than anybody how important it is to come out and how personal it is and should only be done when you're ready to."
"It sounds like they were privileged enough to have an environment that they could come out safely and now they're mad at you for not coming out? They're selfish and I'm sorry you have to deal with that negativity." -- LucifersCorner
Some were more blunt.
"NTA. You need new friends." -- HJI84
"NTA, but these people are not your friends. Friends are understanding, which they don't really sound like they are." -- MyCyanide92
"NTA. That's just weird and rude OP" -- TheQueensLoyalFool
And many found the whole thing a bit ironic.
"NTA. A significantly large amount of my friends belong to the LGBTQ+ community, and would find this distasteful at best. If you were non-binary, you would say as much for yourself which is proper."
"Until you say 'I'm non-binary,' or specify you want different pronouns, it is inappropriate to refer to you other than by your desired pronouns, and it is wrong to 'guess' what your sexual orientation is until you share it by choice." -- OriginalNinjaCat
"NTA Your friends obviously don't understand what the Q in LGBTQ stands for. They need to respect boundaries and stop prying, it should be enough to just state that you are queer/questioning." -- SquilliamFancySon95
"NTA and I'd expect these people to know some pretty basic things they're over-looking."
"You don't demand someone out themselves to you. You don't misgender someone or use the wrong pronouns just because you think they're NB (or trans) when they have specifically said they're not. You definitely don't 'insist' someone's gender or orientation."
"They may want you to feel safe and be open about yourself with them, but it's your choice if and when you come out as bi and who you come out to."
"Your friends might be lovely people, they might think they're coming from a good place, but they are over-stepping some pretty big lines here. This is coming from a cis straight man but I think my LGBTQIA cousins would agree." -- Mr_Ham_Man80
"NTA. With all the hype about misgendering people who identify as something other than the traditional he/she, how is it that they feel it's ok to do it to you just because your preferred pronoun is the traditional one? Hypocritical." -- privacyishard
And a few treated this as an example of a broader tendencies.
"NTA, some people really see it as womanhood = femininity, so when you're more masculine they assume you must really be something else."
"It's incredibly regressive and shi**y and honestly these people are just going to get more and more exhausting. It might be worth finding some more considerate friends" -- Bihalfelf
"This is a huge problem in younger queer circles, where they insist on knowing exactly what you identify as. It often ends up being so that they can make jokes and stereotype you for the memes. Older queer people are usually more fine with you not having a solid identity."
"Don't let them get to you, you dont owe them sh**, and the need to know exactly what your identity is is EXTREMELY inappropriate. nta" -- fu**ingweeabootrash
At the very least, it looks like OP was able to rely on Reddit for some unconditional acceptance.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.