Being able to be your authentic self is life affirming.
Trans and nonbinary people have been hiding for far too long, suppressing their identity for other people’s comfort.
So when they come out, they need to stay out.
But even with the best of intentions people will ask allowances of them that may make things uncomfortable for all.
Case in point…
Redditor AITAhrt to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for not letting my trans daughter come out to our extended family until after our vacation?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter (F[emale] 17) is transgender.”
“But she is currently only out to her immediate family.”
“My husband and I call her by her preferred name and use the right pronouns for her.”
“But as nobody else in the family knows she’s trans, they refer to her by her deadname and with he/him pronouns.”
“So far this has only been in periods of around an hour or two, so (in her words) it’s been ‘slightly bearable.'”
“But the thing is, we’re going on a week long vacation with some of our relatives soon, and we are all sharing a house.”
“Because of this, our daughter will be referred to by her deadname and will be presenting as male.”
“She has expressed her discontent with this.”
“To the point that she’s considering not going on the vacation and staying home.”
“But her father and I both agree that she should wait until afterwards to come out.”
“It’s not that anybody in the family is transphobic- if anything they’re probably the opposite.”
“I’m not worried about her being in any danger or facing any transphobic comments.”
“But I worry that it won’t be enough time for them to fully understand that our daughter is trans.”
“And that the topic would take up the entire vacation, which nobody wants.”
“We all just want to be able to have a nice vacation and not have to deal with this gender stuff.”
“Am I in the wrong for not letting her come out, or is my daughter being selfish?”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“YTA – the comment about wanting to have a nice holiday and not deal with this gender stuff.”
“That being said, could you tell them before so they have ‘enough time’ to process and you can all enjoy the holiday, your daughter included?” ~KnitStitched
“Yeah OP provided a bizarre read – like at first I was assuming that there would be some friction or bigotry or something.”
“Then OP’s like nah the family will be understanding maybe too much, huh what???”
“No OP just doesn’t want the vacation to be taken up by ‘gender’ stuff.”
“Bizarre that they are kinda judging their relatives as incapable of processing this stuff in a short time.”
“What do they thinks going to happen, they’re all going to turn the week into a permanent coming out party??” ~ ThomasEdmund84
“Right? It’s a big deal that OP’s daughter has discovered her gender identity.”
“There should be a week-long party!”
“I’m getting closer to believing OP is the AH.” ~ Yes_Tony
“Of course she would, that’s what the daughter is asking for??”
“I mean we already know the daughter wants to tell the family otherwise it wouldn’t be an issue to OP.”
“Op is TA in this situation.”
“It should be up to the daughter when and where she wants to break the news to extended family.”
“If OP is ‘so accepting’ as she claims, why is she pushing back on letting the family know?” ~ y2klover2000
“That is for the daughter to decide, then.”
“It sounds like she’d rather be known.”
“They could always make a few phone calls before the vacation and get the coming out done ahead of time.”
“Let the feels calm down before being in the midst of it all.”
“And for anyone still figuring out how important acceptance is to trans teens (Hi, OP), I’m just gonna leave this right here.” ~ Beesindogwood
“Like, how horrible are these family members going to feel when they find out they spent a week deadnaming and misgendering her??”
“If they are likely to be supportive, this is just a recipe for everyone to feel like crap once the news is shared.”
“Obviously their daughter will have the worst time of it, and like… so unnecessarily.”
“I do not get these parents logic.” ~ SirNoseyParker
“I wonder if OP isn’t as accepting as they want to be/feel like they are?”
“Like these little moments with extended family or this vacation where everyone is deadnaming and misgendering their daughter gives them some time to pretend they still have the son they first thought they had.”
“I don’t think it would need be conscious or on purpose if that’s the case either, but a part of them doesn’t want to be the parents of a trans child so they are resistant to their daughter coming out.” ~ filmkid21
“Reading between the lines, I’m guessing she’s not quite as supportive as she thinks she is.”
“Not wanting to ‘deal with this gender stuff’ strikes me as someone who thinks the whole thing is a nuisance and/or embarrassment.”
“Once the whole family knows then it’s out out and she has to ‘deal’ with the new reality properly.” ~ Shadow_wolf82
“We once interviewed an intern with the legal name ‘Mary’ only to find out after they got the job that they were non-binary and preferred ‘Alex.'”
“That was years ago and I still cringe remembering how we unintentionally deadnamed them throughout the whole interview process.”
“To prevent that from ever happening again I now specifically ask about preferred name/pronouns when scheduling interviews.”
“I can’t even imagine how bad I’d feel knowing I’d done that to a family member for a whole week!” ~ Ever_Anon
“It turned out that OP was the bigot we got to know along the way.”
“OP wants a break from ‘all this gender stuff’ for themselves.”
“To some degree I can empathize that the coming out process has a timeline for the individual and those around them and there has to be some level of grace.”
“But I think asking someone to basically go back into the closet for a week so that you can take a vacation from your child’s challenges.”
“That makes you an AH.”
“Your kid doesn’t get to take a vacation from being trans. YTA.” ~ furferksake
“This is the best solution.”
“Let her come out before the vacation (if she’s comfortable with that, of course).”
“She can tell the family that she wants them to know this about her.”
“But she would like to have a fun vacation without everyone focusing on it.”
“So she’ll have the big discussions and answer questions before the vacation and let everyone get comfortable with this.”
“The daughter probably wants a vacation without dealing with gender stuff too.”
“But she’s dealing with it every time someone uses the wrong name or pronoun.” ~ RoRoRoYourGoat
“Exactly! OP sees vacation being a drag because of the ‘gender stuff.'”
“So instead, wants to force their daughter to deal with “gender stuff” the entirety of the vacation, dressing as the wrong gender and being addressed by their deadname, and probably dealing with dysphoria.”
“OP – it would be an annoyance to you and traumatic for her.”
“You’re TA for putting your enjoyment of the vacation over her well-being.” ~ Accomplished_Cell768
“OMFG SO MUCH THIS!!”
“Like this was one of those where I was like ‘yep, you’re the a**hole’ at the title, and each word of the post I read just confirmed my vote.”
“Not deal with this gender stuff?”
“Madam or Sir…”
“Your daughter is transgender.”
“‘This gender stuff,’ is literally her entire LIFE!”
“And if, as you say, your family is accepting of transgender people, there will be no need for a ‘processing period.'”
“It will be as simple as ‘oh, by the way, [deadname] is actually [her real name] now and she uses she/her pronouns.'”
“That’s it. That’s literally it.”
Y”ou owe your daughter a massive, groveling apology.”
“Like a ‘how about a new car for your eighteenth birthday, my sweet princess?’ level apology.”
“YTA. SO F**KING MUCH!!” ~ toranonekochan
“YTA. My brother-in-law is trans.”
“I would have hated to not know because someone was worried about ruining a vacation by telling me.”
“If these people are open minded and love your daughter then they would want to know as soon as she feels comfortable telling them.” ~ waterorsharks
“OP, my child (grown) is trans and I can tell you that my family had great issue with their coming out.”
“So wouldn’t it be amazing for her to be able to be her true self during this family trip with people who love and accept her?”
“Not everyone gets that. YTA if you don’t.” ~ duckalono
Well OP… Reddit pretty sounds clear where it stands.
With your daughter.
Maybe it’s time for you and the hubby to do some deeper soul searching about how you really feel about this topic.
Everyone can have a nice vacation and it can be truthful for all.