Dealing with favors for loved ones can be stressful.
Often, people end up feeling taken advantage of.
Then confrontations start, and then feelings are hurt.
Favors aren't always a great idea.
Redditor Comfortable_Oven7632 found herself in a dilemma regarding her daughter's hair, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for telling my 19 year old daughter to find another stylist?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (42 F[emale]) have a daughter, 19."
"I did hair off and on for 20 years."
"My last stint was 9 years at one salon."
"After being emotionally abused, bullied, and financially ruined cause they wanted to punish me when I called out."
"For example, I broke and dislocated my thumb on their property, and they took me off the books for 2 weeks, so I wouldn’t be paid."
"So this led to a HUGE change in my 'passion' for hair."
"I hate it."
"I loathe it."
"Furious rage towards doing hair."
"Now in A[ccounts] R[eceivable] at a huge company and happier than ever."
"However, my daughter forces me to micro foil (foils with bleach in them a mm apart) her entire head, tone it, and then put in 3 rows of weft extensions."
"EVERY SINGLE TIME we get into multiple big fights when I do her hair."
"She says she likes how I do it."
"Yet always has something to complain about."
"I think she just likes that she is getting an almost $1500+ service for free!"
"So the last time, over the weekend, I lost my sh*t."
"I told her this will be the last time."
"I refuse to be FORCED into something I absolutely hate by anyone—blood or not."
The OP was left to wonder:
"You tell me… am I the a**hole?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors were a little all over the map with their thoughts on who was the A**hole here.
"NTA, assuming that she’s living in your home, tell her to knock it off, grow up, stop throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old, and have someone else do her hair or get out."
"I know it’s hard, but you shouldn’t allow her to hold the household hostage with her temper tantrum."
"She needs to grow up and stop doing what you hate."
"Good luck, Mom." ~ appleblossom1962
"I'm sorry, but you completely lost me at 'my daughter FORCES ME.'"
"I never heard anything so ridiculous in my life."
"It is not physically possible for ANYONE to force ANYONE to perform hair services."
"Good lord, what next, being forced to wax someone's legs or detail their car?"
"STOP BEING RIDICULOUS!"
"Every adult has to learn to use, and to hear AND BELIEVE the word NO." ~ Swimming-Ad620
"YTA, nobody is forcing you to do anything."
"Your daughter is behaving exactly how you taught her to behave."
"If you want to stop doing her hair, that’s fine… You told her you were done, so be done."
"More problematic is that you are holding rage at your old employer and spraying that rage all over the place and at people who don’t deserve it- including yourself..."
"1- At your daughter particularly and..."
"2- At yourself by letting anything alter your passion for hair, and..."
"3- At the world at large/Reddit etc."
"My guess is that you’re harboring rage from other things too and lashing out at everyone who doesn’t deserve it either."
"Does drama follow you or do you follow (create) it???"
"One way to get out of that spiral is therapy (with a good therapist- which might take some effort to find)."
"There are others, but the hard work of facing down that kind of pain is easier with guidance."
"It’s not ok to keep the whole world paying for your pain when the whole world didn’t cause it."
"Someone or something else did."
"And you perpetuate it."
"Just stop and make some choices to deal with it." ~ anneg1312
"I would seriously consider therapy."
"You seem unreasonably upset over a career that you no longer have by choice."
"As far as your daughter goes, if doing her hair is making you this upset, use your words like a grown-up and say no."
"No one is forcing you."
"You may feel guilty about not wanting to do it, but she is not making you do anything."
"You’re doing it by choice." ~ MommaGuy
"YTA. No one is forcing you to do anything."
"You could've said no however many times ago and been done with it."
"Please talk to a therapist because the amount of anger you have about doing hair is not normal and not healthy." ~ Iowa_Hawkeyes4516
"You’re exhausting."
"I guarantee you’re the type who drama follows."
"I say YTA only bc you’re not going to stop doing it, and it was an empty threat."
"You spent 9 yrs being treated poorly, by your description, and never once during that period said 'I’m not going to continue this' and left."
"You can’t martyr yourself then get mad when you’re walked over." ~ Glum-Mulberry-9430
"You need to learn to calmly enforce and then stick to boundaries."
"You'd avoid hairdressing and the fights it always causes."
"But on that note, maybe also work on your general conflict resolution skills, to then model that for your daughter."
"This shouldn't be causing multiple huge fights, so I'm assuming you get yourselves into an argument feedback loop."
"Soft YTA because this would never have become an issue if you'd nipped this in the bud as the parent." ~ finnthepokeman
"Taking you off the books with a broken thumb seems like putting your H&S first."
"Holding scissors without a working thumb will be hard, and the salon can’t risk further injury."
"Your rage seems to be because you believe everyone is taking advantage of you, so you react to everything as if they are. You should work on this."
"NTA for not doing her hair, though." ~ East_Bet_7187
"YTA (gently and with understanding) you're the adult here."
"Act like one. If your kid is bratty enough to demand anything, that's on you for not teaching them a healthy respect for boundaries."
"As well as the cost of hair maintenance."
"That's a lot of money, and she should understand that it's a luxury, not a right."
"I have the luxury of affording a haircut every three months."
"But if I don't have the money?"
"I reschedule for when I do."
"I understand you've had an awful experience."
"I used to be a dog groomer, but the experiences at some of the salons I worked at gave me so much anxiety I could no longer continue."
"Now, if my friends or family ask me to groom their dogs, I set boundaries with what I'm actually comfortable doing."
"You're 42; you owe it to your child to set her straight."
"Have the tough conversation about WHY you struggle with hairdressing, and if she wants to be upset, that's her prerogative."
"But act like an adult and treat her like one too." ~ Diligent_Clock6649
"Friend, you’re NTA, because you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but also, maybe see a therapist because this anger you’re holding isn’t normal or healthy."
"Also, you raised her; if she’s particular and prone to negativity, based on what I’m reading here, I think I can see where it came from."
"Work on you and then work on her." ~ Megpyre
"OP. I would not say that you are TAH."
"I would say that there’s a lot of pent-up emotions that need to be worked through."
"I don’t know how you respond to your daughter when she asked for this incredibly expensive hair treatment I’ve never heard of before."
"How can a hair treatment cost over $1000?"
"Or even $200?"
"If it is not a joy for you, let your daughter know that you’re simply not able to do that."
"I hope that at some point you’re able to see your joy again, but it’s probably gonna take a lot of therapy and self-compassion."
"Unfortunate that you got injured on the job."
"My guess is that you get paid per client, and if you have an injury like that, you’re not able to do the work." ~ pink-outdoors
"How does your daughter force you to do anything?"
"Are you not the adult?"
"Or an adult? YTA."
"Plus, this is a wild reason to be so angry."
"You need therapy to try to get over such severe anger."
"Or something."
"It's negatively affecting your life."
"You deserve to work through this and put it behind you."
"It sounds unhealthy." ~ Specific_Ad2541
"YTA. You are way too angry about this."
"It's something nice you could do for your daughter so she doesn't have to spend a small fortune."
"Maybe she likes that her mother can do her hair?"
"And there you are going into a blind rage about it."
"I hope she does find someone else and never forgets you made her waste her money doing so because you couldn't be bothered." ~ immajustgooglethat
"Both of you are AH."
"OP, mother up, say the one-word sentence that everyone hates: 'no,' that you're not entering another conversation about it."
"Walk away; stick to your guns."
"She’s the a** for guilt-tripping you." ~ TeaBeginning5565
"ESH. By enabling your daughter's behavior for however long, you've created an entitled brat."
"Just stop doing her hair, period."
"If she throws tantrums about her, tell her to move out." ~ PetrockX
Reddit had a lot to say, OP.
You may want to sit your daughter down and explain what is truly bothering you.
Whether or not she understands is on her.
Good Luck.
