Birthdays and holidays can stir up a lot of fun at work, and a lot of drama.
Not everybody wants to partake in the giving.
A lot of people feel pressured.
Not giving can lead to a lot of judgment.
Redditor Cancini found themselves in a dilemma regarding their choice to not contribute to a cash fund, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"AITAH for not contributing to my manager’s new baby fund?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Names have been changed for privacy."
"One of my managers, Bill (38 M[ale]) has a wife at home who is about to give birth to their second child."
"My co-worker Lacey (30 Female) informed me yesterday that she had a card for us all to sign, and there was a cash fund we could donate to, but no pressure."
"I got around to signing it at the end of the day, but I didn’t have any cash on me, and honestly I didn’t really feel like contributing to it anyway."
"Cut to today."
"My other coworker, Marge (81 F), randomly asked me if she could 'ask me a personal question' and then asked if I donated to Bill’s baby fund."
"I kind of snickered and said I signed the card, but he makes more money than me."
"She sort of gave me the cold shoulder after that."
"Now I am kind of wondering if I was supposed to give my manager something for his baby."
"But honestly, I didn’t even know about the card until that day."
"And I have never been expected to do anything like that before."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a-hole here or am I just overthinking it?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. Employment etiquette from Ask A Manager:"
"Gifts in a workplace should flow downward, not upward." ~ BiscottiKey88
"I once had a crappy boss who was leaving to a better job opportunity, and one of the suck-up employees was getting a card and donations together for the goodbye party."
"I said, 'Umm, they already make more money than us, and they’re leaving to make even more, so we give them our own underpaid-labor/hard-earned money?'”
"Make that make any sense."
"I say NTA at all; managers shouldn’t expect gifts from employees." ~ KazBeeragg
"I need to direct my colleagues to this helpful bit of information."
"My small department asks for $20 pp every year to buy a 'Bosses Day' gift."
"Why are we chipping in for a gift for someone who makes $50k more than we do? We don't even like him." ~ QuickSloth4710
"It’s funny, everyone getting so upset about this."
"My first instinct was 'Oh hell no' as well."
"But then I realized my team does this every year too! I’ve never thought twice about it because my manager is awesome and we all love her."
"I absolutely want her to feel appreciated because she’s an amazing manager, has our backs, gets what we do; it’s an amazing team environment."
"I’ve been here for seven years with no plans to leave because of her."
"We also work in non-profit."
"It’s interesting how the circumstances can change my opinion here." ~ DinoChick
"Seriously!!!"
"I was always so annoyed that there is actually a 'Manager Appreciation Day,' what a dumb freaking holiday. In my younger years, there was this row of managers that would compare gifts in a 'my team likes me best' kind of way."
"My sh*tty manager back then would act like a spoiled child if she didn't feel her gifts were enough to outdo her peers."
"It was miserable."
"The first time that day came up, once I was a manager, I specifically told my team not to get me anything; we settled on getting a dozen donuts for the team to share." ~ PurplePufferPea
"This is why at my job we have a specific small budget line for 'employee gifts' with predictable birthday gifts and unpredictable life events (flowers for funeral, meals for childbirth or medical absences, etc.); cards also come from this budget."
"That way, everyone can participate, everyone gets something, but it is the COMPANY footing the bill for this culture, not individuals in the workplace."
"It means everyone gets the same amount for their gifts, and there’s no differential based on popularity (except sometimes for card signing, but that can’t be helped regardless of who starts it)."~ spacedinosaur1313131
"NTA, I wouldn’t worry about it too much."
"At 81, she’s probably a bit old-fashioned." ~ professorkumquat83
"NTA for not contributing, but I think the way you answered when asked about it wasn't a great move, socially speaking, and could cause problems for you."
"It would've come across better if you had just said that you signed the card but didn't have any money to spare." ~ cowboythesis
"I mean, NTA for not contributing to the fund, but you could have handled it more professionally than to laugh in your elderly coworker's face and make a snide comment about Bill's pockets."
"Like, you're not wrong, but that was a weird way to go about it." ~ arbitrary-ladybug
"I am so sick of this mentality that people are 'owed' something just because you work together or they are getting married, having a kid."
"Especially their second or third."
"The only major life event I’ve had is purchasing a house, and no one got anything for me, nor would I."
"I’m not talking a little; I mean some years I contribute probably 100-200 dollars."
"And it’s not the money, it’s the principle."
"Of course, I have coworkers I want to give to who I’m closer to, or I go out and get my own thing, but this mentality that everyone has to put together a fund for someone’s life event just because you work together is so outdated."
"Even when I get married or have a kid, I’m not sure I would even want people to do that."
"Maybe if someone suggested it, I would say you can tell people to donate to this cause or to write personal notes or something." ~ Jass0602
"I worked somewhere that had my favorite 'donation' process ever."
"If someone had a kid or got married, we'd pass around a card for everyone to sign."
"Then you'd also put cash in the card while no one was looking."
"Then whoever organized it bought a baby/wedding gift with whatever cash was in there, and no one knew how much or even if anyone else donated."
"It was a really nice thing, and there was no pressure on anyone."
"In your specific instance, it was a mean thing for that person to ask if you donated money. In that case, I'd have simply lied."
"She should not have asked you that question, so she does not deserve a truthful answer."
"I'd have said, 'Yes, I did.'"
"If she asked how much, I'd have said, 'Oh, I don't share that; I don't want anyone here to feel bad about what personal choices they made with their own money," or something like that."
"It's ok to lie sometimes." ~ BigMax
"NTA. But I would suggest in the future you don't sign the card in cases like this, because that implies you put money in the pot."
"I have a feeling Marge's issue is more about that than about whether you contributed in the first place." ~ PurplePufferPea
"NTA. Financial assistance, no matter the intention or reason, should only ever be one direction."
"Top down."
"If you make less than him and have a lesser title, you are in no way obligated to help him if you don’t feel a personal need to."
"A woman in her 80s probably has her opinions because if she were in the manager’s wife position, she would have benefited from financial help."
"The kind thing to do is sign the card, which you did."
"An 80 year old is likely to have a little money they can donate compared to you."
"Don’t worry about it."
"If it becomes an issue or more people start making similar comments and create a hostile work environment, you can always talk to HR." ~ HelloBookworms
"NTA. A gift is not an obligation, especially when you aren't informed about it beforehand."
"Your coworker is older and probably has a more old-fashioned mindset on the subject."
"You did nothing wrong."
"I wouldn't worry about it, she'll get over it sooner or later." ~ PossessionNo3723
"NTA. I would however curb the reactions and comments."
"Never a good look."
"A simple 'I did! So happy for him and his family. Can't wait to see baby pictures!' gives the person asking zero ammunition to do or say anything else."
"If they press, 'Oh how much did you give?'"
"'What did you say in the card?'"
"'Marge, I'm sure whatever amount you contributed and message you left for Bill will be appreciated by him and his family.'"
"It's about disarming them more than anything."
"Given her age, she sounds like your typical grandma."
"Nosy, likely well-meaning, and old-fashioned."
"Next time, it might be someone who wants to stir the pot."
"Learning how to handle these types of interactions will only help you in the long run." ~ CutFootloose5
"NTA. I ran into this a while back for a co-worker who does not like me and purposely told her manager that I was not to be invited to the 'office' baby shower (which took place outside of the office)."
"So I didn't sign the card and didn't contribute one cent."
"Now that manager's wife is about to have a baby, and I'm waiting for it all to come back around again."
"Office politics are ridiculous." ~ JadedPomplemousse
Reddit is with you, OP.
Gift and cash giving at work has gotten out of hand for a lot of people.
What happened to "it's the thought that matters?"
Apparently thoughts need to come with cash now.
Stay strong.
