One of the many challenges teachers face is parent relations.
The subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) detailed one such parent/teacher circumstance.
Redditor GayTeacherman was caught off guard and put on the defense when a set of parents demonized his personal life.
The parents became so problematic, in fact, that the Original Poster (OP) asked:
"WIBTA [would I be the a**hole] for requesting a child be removed from my class due to his parents?"
What would drive him to such a drastic decision?
"I am an art teacher at a school in a small town, recently I welcomed a new student to the class, he had previously been homeschooled but had begged his parents to let him go to a normal school with his friends. He's a great kid, he has already fit right in with the class, and he does really great work, my only issue with him has been that he does not ask to leave the classroom, if he needs a bathroom he just leaves."
"I'm not the strict "everything needs to be my way" kind of teacher, but the administration has a very strict policy for students outside of classrooms during class periods."
"I asked his parents to come in so we could discuss it, to try to get them to help me figure out a way to get him to follow this rule."
"They arrived and seemed like fine enough people, but then saw my photo on my desk of myself (28-year-old male) and my husband (31-year-old male). They asked who it was, and I was honest, it has never been an issue before."
"They later called the school to report me for "inappropriate behavior in the classroom" mind you, I do not talk about my husband in class. I am there to teach, not preach lol."
"Administration is definitely with me on this, but honestly, they have started sending some really rude emails to my school-provided account, and I would like to honor their wishes that their child not be "exposed" to my "disgusting lifestyle."
"I may be the a**hole here because as good of a student as he is, I just no longer feel comfortable with him in my class. He loves art class, and there are no other art teachers at the school, so he'd be removed from the course entirely, which I know isn't fair to him."
"But it also is not fair to me to be called things like a groomer and accused of working in a school to 'corrupt innocent minds with [my] filth.'"
The OP provided one clarification.
"Forgot to add, they have requested I be fired and replaced"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided NTA.
"NTA, I'd also want to distance myself from such parents. Unfortunately, the only person who will really be affected by their madness is their child."
"And I don't see how having a picture of yourself with your husband is so wrong. Unless you're naked on a bed with him." - One-Awareness3671
"NTA. Ever wonder why he was home-schooled in the first place?" - Top-Put2038
"NTA, but the school may not be able to remove him entirely, so I would advocate for another adult to be present in the room when you teach his class."
"You should also insist that any further communication should go through administration."
"His parents are already making false allegations, and if the administration is not willing to address their behavior, they at least need to take steps to protect you professionally."
"A lot of the y t an and e s h comments are ignoring the very real danger that the parents' behavior could be to your career and livelihood."
"Of course, you don't want to punish a child, but if given a choice between your career and a child being in your class, there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself." - photosbeersandteach
"NTA. I would recommend that you make sure that you are never alone with the child in case his parents try to claim that you engaged in inappropriate behavior."
"If the child wants to speak with you alone, make sure the principal or another teacher is present." - Kookie-cookiebaker-
"NTA. But the administration should be doing more to deal with them."
"A lot of parents homeschool their kids to keep them from being exposed to anything they do not approve of. The actual education is secondary."
"If your school's backing is strong enough, they may withdraw him. Sucks for the kid though." - gastropodia42
"If they don't want their son to be in your class because you are gay then they need to be adults and tell the school to switch his class instead of sending you hateful, homophobic emails."
"To be honest, the school should have already moved him given that they know about the parents' behavior."
"I worry that if you request he be removed, his parents will feel like they have "won" and that's not fair to you."
"Let the kids' parents be the "bad guys." My judgment is NTA, and I feel sad for both you and your student." - bethholler
"Honestly, it's tough to make a judgment here. You're NTA, but neither is the kid, and you having him removed from your class is taking away a fantastic opportunity for growth for him."
"Is it possible for you to have these emails redirected by the school's IT department?"
"Perhaps someone in the administration can step in and screen these emails for you, or the parents can be told that they must contact the administration with any concerns instead of reaching out directly to you?"
"On that note, are you even sure that these emails will stop if you have the kid removed, or are these parents going to keep harassing you or the school about you?"
"Ultimately, I get it. I wouldn't want to be in an environment where I'm being degraded like that either, and if you choose to have the kid removed, I can't blame you." - km89
"NTA, the parents made it clear they are going to antagonize you until he is removed. You'll both be happier."
"It's too bad for the kid because you'd probably be a great influence but for your own peace of mind, but it's not worth the misery." - Iwassayingboourns77
"I am so sorry for this poor boy, but his opportunity to grow creatively does not trump your civil rights and safety…or the safety of your husband."
"I would file a report with the police just to have something on record. The school should provide legal intervention in the "cease and desist" kind of way."
"And if that doesn't work, well, guess this will be one more thing he will hate them for later."
"That is sad. Tragic, even…but protecting his right to be creative (not being snarky; I feel that truly is very important) isn't going to help him and could truly damage you and yours. NTA" - TrixterBlue
"NTA here. You need to protect yourself here."
"Do not expect too much from the school. They tend to bend to parents."
"First and foremost you probably just need to report these emails to the police and see if you can get a [temporary restraining order]."
"Are we talking about a small private school or an actual district?"
"Either way, there should be a governing body they will eventually escalate this to, which more than likely won't be good for you. As I stated earlier, schools ultimately always tend to bend to parents and generally the most horrible of parents that pops up out of the woodwork." - Long_Squash1762
"NTA, kudos on the camera in the classroom. Submit everything to admin in writing (email)."
"Follow their instructions exactly. If they say to keep the kid and the photo, do that with minimal explanations to the parents."
"If they say to remove the photo, query your union or content supervisor. Never ever touch the kid, don't even get close."
"Close off your phone from potential airdrops. Be explicit with admin that you will not communicate with the parents further without an administrative mediator present."
"Protect that job!" - Vertigobee
"NTA, These people will do ANYTHING to manufacture a reason to get you in trouble."
"That would leave all your students without a teacher. Protect yourself for all your students' sakes." - JuliaX1984
"NTA. They don't want you teaching their kid, and you aren't comfortable teaching him anymore."
"Hopefully, they can find him an online lesson or something similar or at least give him supplies to keep going on his own - if they were previously homeschooling him, they should be able to find him some way of doing it on his own." - AmethystMoonbeams
The OP went on to provide an update.
"Gonna talk to a lawyer, but also, we have talked it over and decided to move after the school year, going to go somewhere a bit bluer, thanks, everyone!"
"Final edit: we are for sure moving. It's gotten bad, also to everyone saying I deserve this for "flaunting my sexuality" eat a bag of d*cks, you are part of the problem"
Hopefully, the OP and his husband will find a more supportive environment in their next town.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.