Trust is a key component of success in a relationship.
Without trust... what's the point?
Redditor u/thegrizz87 found themselves in a dilemma regarding their wife's actions while away, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"WIBTAH: Wife trip crossing the line?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Long story short, my wife is at a work conference with several of her closest friends."
"I have been working on our shared MacBook, which is linked to her Apple ID."
"We both have full access to each other’s phones."
"I saw a few texts, came across them and clicked on them, with multiple pictures of her in the same man in a bar."
"I know her friends are friends with this man, but I do not know him and have never met him."
"To my knowledge, she has not either before this trip."
"Inherently, I would not find this an issue."
"There are a few things that stick out to me."
"There is a text to her friend group while they were at the bar where she asked where they went."
"My wife said she was waiting on said Man and was heading their way."
"He also texted her around three in the morning and said, 'Don’t forget to ask what I said. You know if you really want to know.'"
"I find all of this combined inappropriate."
"First, I would not take pictures of another woman alone and me that I just met."
"I also find it inappropriate for her and him to be together while her friends are elsewhere."
"The text at 3 AM is also suspect to me."
"I want to confront her about this when she gets home, but I know she will respond by saying I’m being completely insecure and he was a fun guy."
"I plan to ask her how she would feel if she was in the same situation."
"It has been eating me up since we just came out of a hard season about six months ago, and I’ve been doing very well."
The OP was left to wonder:
"WIBTAH to bring this up or do I wait and see if she does?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here... for the most part.
"I wouldn't confront her; otherwise she'll just work harder at hiding it."
"Act like everything is perfect, and for now, confronting her will just get you lied to." ~ Dannyewey
"I think this guy is fishing to see if she’s interested in a fling."
"OP doesn’t say that she responded, so it would seem she ignored the text."
"Meaning he was hammered after the bar and probably drunk texting her at 3 am."
"I’m not saying she did anything."
"Sometimes women are too accommodating with men when they’re overly flirty… hence the photos, and the guy takes it one step further with texts- been there when I was young and dumb." ~ LauraNotLisa
"Unfortunately, OP is in a really tough position."
"He has enough evidence to raise a major red flag but not enough evidence to successfully confront his wife."
"She can easily come up with plausible scenarios that don't involve cheating, and he has zero leverage to get to the truth if she wants to gaslight him."
"Waiting to collect more evidence before a confrontation would be ideal, but if this is a one-off episode of cheating and not an ongoing issue, additional evidence could never surface." ~ Necessary_Tap343
"Instead of confronting her and making accusations, tell her how you felt when you saw the pictures."
"Talk about the confusion and shock the pics generated bc you could not imagine doing the same thing with a woman you met at a men’s outing and that you were really unaware that it would involve interactions with men at a girls' getaway."
"Then stop."
"The ball will be in her court, and instead of defending herself, she will have to deal with your feelings, not anger or confrontation."
"After her initial response, particularly if she plays the 'you are just being insecure,' tell her yes, you feel uncomfortable about it and ask her what can be done to keep these feelings from arising again."
"Explain that your feelings are the result of the pictures, not rooted in any insecurity, as you never felt that way before."
"If she blows you off after this exchange, tell her that it is serious enough that you want to get marital counseling."
"If she continues to denigrate your feelings, then you know that she does not care for you and her actions are more than just a passing situation, and she crossed the line." ~ AZcigarman
"Don't start with these questions; start with asking her how the trip was and if she met any cool people."
"If it's something innocent, then she'll tell you about him; if it's not, then she'll try to hide the fact that she hung out with him."
"Try to get as much info about the trip from her as you can before questioning her about the guy; that way, if she starts making up lies, you'll be able to reference her story from before she realizes she was caught."
"Her body language will likely change as well if it's what you think it is, which you can also reference from the initial story." ~ XiTzCriZx
"NTA - Why did she give him her number?"
"But texting her at 3 am is better than him being next to her."
"Not sure why everyone is always worried about being insecure."
"This is all disrespectful and shady, and sadly, people cheat all the time." ~ Championship682
"The situation is gray but leaning towards black."
"However, I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on the phone number."
"Coordinating with a friend group at a work conference is reasonable."
"Especially if she got it from a group chat, for example."
"Or, depending on their jobs, simply work-related."
"Sales, internal project coordination, etc." ~ Corredespondent
"(NTA) for bringing this up."
"HOW you bring it up matters."
"Ditch the 'roles reversed' trap."
"It makes YOU the focus and the problem."
"Own the MacBook discovery immediately."
"State upfront that the messages popped up on the shared screen while you were working."
"Focus on the impact of her actions and emphasize that you are protecting the progress you've made as a couple."
"If you accuse her of cheating, she will go on the defensive."
"You have an open-phone policy, and asking for clarity on a late-night text from a stranger is completely reasonable."
"Good luck!" ~ EmpiresEsquire
"In a marriage, your partner owes you fidelity and the appearance of fidelity."
"She's not doing that."
"Whether they did something or not, she's not being respectful to you or your relationship."
"No, it's absolutely inappropriate to be texting and taking pictures with random men on work trips."
"Maybe I'm a prude, but I'd have a big problem with my girlfriend doing any of that, and we're not even married."
"In fact, I wouldn't even be cool with my girl exchanging numbers or texting random men, either. "
"Maybe I'm controlling there, but I'm too old to pretend to be the 'cool boyfriend.'"
"I just wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who plays games like this." ~ Joice_Craglarg
"Completely agreed, this isn’t 1950 anymore."
"How many marriages end because of infidelity?"
"The number has skyrocketed thanks to the device in our hands we all love." ~ yoyoyo133555
"You’re right, your partner owes you the appearance of fidelity, and they should not get defensive when you ask for validation from them."
"They should not be defensive if you ask for proof they are not cheating, if you have proof and suspicion."
"On the other hand, it is not normal to have this as a recurring theme in a relationship."
"Probably time to reevaluate things." ~ Domicello
"You have a good marriage, so you write, you have a guy writing something you don't know what it means, possibly hitting on her."
"He wrote it because he was NOT with her at 3 in the morning; that's a good right."
"She has never stepped out, to your knowledge; keep that in mind."
"Trust her until she shows you she should not be trusted."
"Let her tell you what happened; don't accuse; everything might have a logical explanation."
"Be calm, level-headed; don't put salt into the tea to make sure it becomes bad."
"Keep in mind that Reddit has a propensity to lynch on suspicion."
"Ask her how her night went, like an interested husband; compare it with what you know she says and what she leaves out."
"If it so unlikely happens that someone ends up with a rope around the neck, make sure it was her talking rather than your lynching."
"My bet is on nothing happened that you need to worry about; let her tell you what took place and then take it from there." ~ foolmeonce-01
"NTA, highly inappropriate."
"Calling her co-workers her closest friends is a bit weird too; people get way too familiar at their workplace."
"I wouldn't even wait to call that bullsh*t out; anything could happen in the meantime, especially with alcohol involved." ~ RetroBerner
There is a lot to unpack here, OP.
You have every right to your feelings.
But you do risk a fight if you speak up.
Still, having peace of mind about it, no matter the answer, matters.
Good Luck.
