Discrimination comes in many forms. Sometimes people find themselves treated differently because of their definition of what is right or wrong.
Redditor CatholicGuiltAlt found herself in a situation where her “friend” did this to her–and went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” (AITA) to see whether she or her friend were wrong.
“Aita? My friend uninvited me to her wedding since I have kids out of wedlock.”
“I told her I don’t think we can’t be friends any longer.”
Our original poster, or OP, has known this friend her entire life, which only makes this more painful.
“Me and my friend are both 25, and she’s like a sister to me. We come from a very religious area. My friend and I have known each other since middle school. I’m no longer practicing any religion and am pretty indifferent overall to faith. My friend is still a believer but not overly so.”
Unfortunately, OP’s friend’s future in-laws became a big part of the issue.
“But her fiancé (who she’s been dating three years) is. His family is extreme mega-Catholics. Her fiancé by himself is pretty normal, somehow, but from the limited times I’ve met his family and some of his friends, they’re very, very Christian. I don’t have an issue with this, you can worship whatever god you want as long as it doesn’t hurt others, imo.”
“They’ve been engaged for a little under a year and hope to get married in December. They’re not having bridesmaids or groomsmen at all, just guests, and I was so excited for her big day and to support her. Neither of us have any sisters, so we’re both the closest the other has to one.”
Right before the wedding, OP’s friend laid some really unpleasant news on her.
“My friend pulled me aside this past weekend and told me that I wouldn’t be able to go to the ceremony (which is a traditional catholic one in a church). Her finances parents (who are paying for almost all of the wedding) do not want anyone not baptized, no one with kids out of wedlock, no unmarried couples cohabiting, etc. I have two children, one I had at 18 and another at 22. They have different dads and I didn’t marry either of them.”
“My friend is close to both my kids and is an honorary auntie. She said a lot of people are being uninvited to the ceremony, but I’m still welcome to come to the reception, that’s just their demands for footing the bill for everything.”
After being judged by a friend, OP was not happy.
“I was f-ing pissed. I’m used to being judged for being a young mom, unmarried mom, whatever. But not by a person I trusted. The fact that I’m a worthy sacrifice to appease her fanatical future FIL and MIL into liking her made me sick.”
Now OP thinks that maybe the relationship is broken….forever.
“I told her I won’t be going to the wedding at all, reception be damned. If she actually cares what her in-laws think that much she can go spend her big day with them, alone. I admit I lost my cool, and she cried and said it wasn’t her choice but she couldn’t change their minds.”
“I told her she was a hypocrite (she and her fiancé have def slept together already) and if she is really choosing money for a single day over me, my kids (who she claims to love) and several of her other friends then I don’t even know who she is anymore. She pretty much begged me to reconsider but I told her I respected myself and my children too much for that.”
And though she’s not necessarily sure that she did anything wrong, OP still feels bad.
“Its been a few days and I feel kind of bad and from what I’ve heard of our friend group a few other people who were asked to not attend the ceremony also decided not to go at all. I know it was a hard choice for her to make but I feel like crap being judged for my kids and past choices. But she was a crying mess last time we spoke.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Reddit agreed that the bride made some really uncouth choices.
“NTA. And honestly if I was in the bride’s shoes… I’d be re-evaluating if I wanted to marry into this family.”
“In laws don’t just disappear after you walk down the aisles. As soon as she has a child she’ll be stuck dealing with these judgmental, manipulative people for the rest of her life. That’s a tall order.”~tsh87
“Its not pre-marital sex if you never get married! LOOP HOLE! (I grew up Catholic- hehe)”
“NTA OP- Your friends in laws are stepping well outside the church and the pope though. The pope would not be cool with this. He is all about the forgiveness and compassion. Sorry your friends in-laws’ a**hattery is rubbing off on your friend :(“~scarybottom
“NTA, OP. But her future in-laws are. I admit. I am not Catholic. But, and someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Catholic doctrine dictates that unmarried + out of wedlock children are not allowed to attend a wedding. Or any services, for that matter. I know that you didn’t outright say that’s what they’re claiming, but it sounds like that’s what ILs are trying to lean towards. What is actually happening is they’re leaning towards becoming royal douches.”~Jroostah
“NTA. Your friend is, for knuckling under to this. She doesn’t have to change her in-laws’ minds. All she has to do is stand up for what she thinks is right & turn down their money. She is selling her friends & loved ones for an hour in a church & a pretty setting for her ceremony.”~YMMV-But
All believe that OP’s friend had a duty to stand up to her in-laws rather than being at the mercy of their money.
“NTA. The in-laws are absolutely insane. There is nothing in Catholicism that would require anyone be excluded from the service. If you aren’t catholic and you attend, ya skip the profession of faith and skip receiving communion. This has nothing to do with their religion. They’re just judgmental a**holes and your friend is in for a lifetime of misery.”~untidypeppers
“NTA. Your friend’s future in-laws are insane and also bad Christians. She’s the asshole for going along with their stupidity. In your position, I’d do the same thing.”
“Maybe someday she’ll realize she married into a cult and make amends. At that point, you can decide whether or not to forgive her.”~FullDisclosureDaemon
“NTA. Your ex-friend is accepting her future in-laws, and future husband’s belief that you and your children are dirty heathen undesirable embarrassments that can’t be permitted to stink up their sacred church ceremony.”
“F*** her and her weakling husband. They chose an expensive party over longtime friends. She knows what she’s doing is hurtful and just plain wrong.”
“That’s why she’s crying her crocodile tears at you and hoping you’ll say, ‘Sure, go ahead and kiss your in-laws’ a**es so you can have a fancy party. I’ll pretend that you aren’t s***ting all over my kids and our years of friendship.'”
“I suggest you and all the other heathens that were excluded from Ms. Holier-Than-Thou’s super-sacred wedding get together that day and celebrate your longtime friendships.”~NoxWild
“The bride may just be that desperate to be accepted into the family, just that in love with her husband to be, and just that blind to how her friends would feel (it’s only an hour or so, after all, and hey, reception is ok!)”
“Excluding the friends is also a way for the in laws-to-be to know which friends don’t meet their standards. Which ones the bride is going to be pressured into cutting off. Because she will be.”
“If she was raised in a conservative Christian environment she’s quite likely sheltered, and (my bias is showing…) easily manipulated via doctrine and other means.”
“NTA, but I’d still keep some contact if possible. If (hopefully when) her eyes are opened she’s going to need help when she’s ready to leave. Maybe she will have some people left willing to help.”~blendedpoppies
One small dissenter believed that maybe it was not worth ending the friendship altogether.
“I’m probably gonna get down voted for this, but ESH. This sub is always so black and white with its answers. It seems to me this is a case where nuance is key.”
“Your friend is marrying into a new family. Regardless of how she feels towards her husband’s parents, they’re going to be in her life. Presumably for the REST of her life. While I agree she’s making a bit of a spineless decision allowing her in-laws to dictate her wedding day, it seems like a premature hill to die on.”
“She could put her foot down and pay for the wedding herself, in-laws be damned, or she can take this one on the jaw for the sake of a possible relationship with the in-laws and not putting her fiance in a difficult position. That being said, I think she’s making a poor decision. These people sound like if they’re given this they will never stop crossing boundaries.”
“All of that said, don’t give up on a friendship that means this much to you, lightly. You aren’t the only one being uninvited to the ceremony. Unless you’re going to spend holidays with your friend, her husband, and the in-laws, this is likely the only time their bullshit will directly affect you. While it is exactly that, bullshit, I would suggest considering all of the nuances that come with entering a new family.”
“Just my two cents. And, by the way, I’m only saying ESH because I’m operating under the assumption that you’re deeply considering ending your friendship all together. If you have a change of heart my ruling would be N T A.”~demonsvalour
And some others agreed.
“Unpopular opinion…. You should think long term.”
“NTA over this situation, and you are very rightfully upset. Nobody wants to be treated the way you are being treated. But let’s get to empathy here, and put yourselves in her shoes. If she takes a stand for you, it’s going to cause waves with her new husband/family? Are you certain that’s the right move for her?”
“I don’t know any details, and I may be wildly off base, but what is her future relationship with the in-laws? Is she planning on being a religious zealot, or is this just to get through the wedding?”
“This action my be throwing you under the bus now knowing you can forgive VS a lifetime battle with the in-laws. Or it could be a big old red flag, I really can’t say. I’m just cautious of losing a long time friend.”~responsible4self
“NTA, however, if you do care about her (as it sounds like you do) you might want to point out that she appears to be starting down the road of a controlling and abusive relationship… pre-wedding and already isolating her from her friends.”
“I would consider telling her that you are happy to keep a bug out bag at your house for her just in case… but that is it. Honestly she may need to escape someday, as bad as this is, i can’t help but feel like she needs help.”~SqueaksBCOD
It is a difficult situation for OP, possibly losing a lifelong friend.
However, it seems like OP’s friend is choosing money and her in-law’s manipulation over her friends.
Hopefully some form of understanding will be reached before it’s too late.