Content Warning: Midlife Crisis, Mental Health Concerns, Messy Breakup, Mentions of Stalking
We all know that not every relationship will last, but usually, once a relationship moves from dating to an engagement, those are usually the relationships we think will stick.
But engagements and marriages are no less untouchable than dating couples when it comes to incompatibility issues and resentment, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Past-House-2508 was really proud of how she and her partner were doing in their relationship and professionally, and she didn’t think they had anywhere to go but up when she received a raise at work.
But when her partner told her that he didn’t like her and actually resented her for her professional choices and for making more money than him, the Original Poster (OP) felt more numb than heartbroken when he broke off their engagement.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for being disgusted and just saying ‘Okay’ when my fiancé broke up with me?”
The OP thought that she had a bright future with her partner, Alex.
“So… I don’t know, man.”
“I (28 Female) had been with my fiancé, Alex (34 Male), since 2020. We met at a friend’s party, hit it off, and have/had been together ever since.”
“He finished his Doctorate in Economics just last year. Since then he has been working at the Uni. I have my Master’s in Media Sciences and decided to start working instead of going for a PhD.”
But the OP was at a loss when Alex’s behavior significantly and inexplicably changed.
“Okay… so the problem is that Alex broke up with me last Monday. It was literally so surreal and honestly… just weird.”
“For the past few months, he’d been acting strange. He was making demands and then dropping them immediately. A few examples: he told me we were going to paint our walls back from dark green to white. When I asked why, he just said, ‘For f**k’s sake, forget it,’ and never brought it up again, even when I asked.”
“Another time, he came home and got mad because I was sitting on the couch with my head covered in a blanket (I had cramps). He was upset because I was ‘just sitting there watching Netflix’ (mind you, the house was spotless). When I tried to talk about it, he said, ‘Forget it, it’s not a big deal.'”
“This kind of thing became common. Every time I tried to communicate… tried to figure out what was going on, whether it was something I did or maybe he was just stressed at work… he would just say everything was fine, but he was clearly seething with rage. I didn’t even have to do anything; he would find something to complain about (the apartment, clothes, me, work, etc.).”
“So, I gave him space, which apparently was also wrong. I told him I was going to help my parents with repairs for a few days, and somehow that was also wrong because he wanted to renovate the apartment, too.”
The OP felt numb when the breakup came.
“Then, on Monday, I got a text saying we needed to talk. I knew what was coming, and after the last few months, I had made peace with it.”
“When I came home, he was sitting on the couch. He didn’t even wait for me to take off my jacket before saying, ‘I want to break up.'”
“Then the verbal diarrhea started. He told me he resented me. First, because I didn’t pursue my academic career further, even though I was capable, and he didn’t want to upset me at the time. Then, when I started making more money (since he didn’t make much as a PhD student), he felt like I should have the last word financially, and he hated it.”
“Mind you, I never said anything like, ‘It’s my money, so I have the final say.’ That’s a rule he imposed on himself, and he hated it.”
“He said he hated our paint scheme, the couch, and even our f**king crockpot.”
“Then, he told me he had rejected a better PhD program to stay here because I had already started my job by the time he got the acceptance letters. Only, he never told me he had even applied overseas. He said a few months ago he checked in with a friend who’s in that program, saw how they were thriving, and decided I ruined his life. He said I had too much control over his life and that he hated the idea that I could just decide not to pay for things and ‘f**k him over’ (I honestly don’t even know what that means).”
“He also said he hated that all his friends loved me and didn’t let him vent about me.”
“Then he said again, ‘I’m done.'”
Alex lashed out at the OP’s reaction to the breakup.
“I was floored. I had already made peace with the idea that we were ending, and it hurt, but after that rant, I was just disgusted. I looked at him, probably with a disgusted expression, and said, ‘Okay.'”
“He lost it. He said this is exactly what he meant… that it was horrible. We had been together for four years, and all I had to say was, ‘Okay,’ to our breakup?!”
“I just asked if he wanted to stay here while he figured out where to go. He said, ‘Typical, of course you’re holding the apartment over me,’ and started ranting again, so I just left.”
“I told my parents, and they’re also confused. My dad suggested I reach out to our landlord and explain the situation to see what options I have. I can keep paying the rent with no problem myself. He covered the utilities and some subscriptions.”
“Just to reiterate, I never had a problem with this. I saw that he was chasing his dream, and that was more important to me than a 50/50 financial split. I make good money and am happy at my job. I never saw it as ‘slaving away.'”
“I always had the mentality that my money was our money because we were building a life together. Of course, I had my own savings and fun money, but I honestly never cared. As long as I felt he was working towards something and wasn’t taking advantage of me, I was fine with it. More than fine.”
The OP became exhausted by Alex continuing to reach out to her.
“Alex is still mad. He’s going between texting me like a robot about the logistics of the split to being a seething a**hole complaining about everything. I’m not even hurt anymore. I just feel nauseated by him at this point.”
“I don’t know. Should I have reacted differently?”
“Just to clarify, though. I don’t feel like a victim. I feel like something happened, and my relationship just turned bad. He behaved like an a**hole, but that is the extent of it. Very clearly, something is going on. But he doesn’t want me to be part of whatever it is, and I have to respect that.”
“Now I just have to detangle myself legally from him, and after that, I’ll just be left alone with my ugly green wall color. I think I might also adopt a cat as my ex was really allergic.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain that the OP’s ex had poor coping skills and lots of regret.
“This dude basically hates himself for decisions he took without ever consulting you. He chose his comforts but now since others seem in a better position he is venting on you and making you the culprit.”
“NTA, but your man has a little brain and doesn’t know what to do with it.” – dan1987te
“Everything he accused you of ‘planning’ to do, he was planning to do. Every bit of power he said you would hold over him, he would have held over you if he had the chance.”
“That is why he resented you, because he thought you would do what he wanted to do to you. He resented you because he wasn’t able to gain power over you, and he learned that his friends wouldn’t back him up if he started to be horrible to you.”
“Every accusation was a confession of what he wanted to do instead.”
“He is mad because he couldn’t abuse you.” – Glaucus92
“NTA. He basically said he hates you and everything about you. What are you supposed to do, beg for his love when you can find someone who’ll give it to you readily?”
“Nah. Sorry this happened and that you were blindsided, but this will be a good thing in the long run. Onto the next.”
“For what it’s worth, he sounds jealous, insecure, and emotionally stunted. If what you’ve written is how things played out, then you dodged a huge bullet.” – RantyMcThrowaway
“Here’s my psychological theory on how/why he acted like this:”
“It feels like he was happy to rely on you for bills but then the toxic masculinity of ‘man must make more money’ kicked in and gave him cognitive dissonance. In that way, he was also telling on himself; that if the situations were reversed, he knew how he would treat you, and he became scared that you would treat him like that. He wanted to take advantage of you, but in doing so, he realized the position he put himself in made him more vulnerable to possibly being taken advantage of.”
“So of course when you didn’t take advantage of that, boom! there’s the cognitive dissonance again, because of course everyone would do the same in that position, so he tried to ‘trigger’ you to do it, so he could go, ‘Ha! I was right! I’m not a bad person, because see, everyone is the same!’ And when it didn’t work, he wanted to storm off and be angry about it. So he would either hide or invent things that he could manipulate into ‘sacrificing’ for you without your knowledge, so he could make his worldview match what he has to believe.”
“This continued until he had to break up with you to maintain the fantasy version of you he had built up in his head, because without you around you wouldn’t be constantly proving him wrong.” – _annie_bird_
Others agreed and reassured the OP that she dodged a massive bullet by letting him go.
“This definitely feels like, ‘A thief thinks everyone steals.’ He wants to make the final decisions, be able to hold the apartment over your head, etc. This is a bullet dodged.” – ADerbywithscurvy
“These guys are ‘Build A Bear’ boyfriends. They resent the woman they are involved with if she has a better job, makes more money, seems happy to go to work, not miserable.”
“They get jealous because they can’t do what you do professionally. Or they don’t want to try, but they don’t want you to have it either because it makes them feel bad about themselves.”
“The moment they get any success they will leave you. Usually for a coworker and they usually marry within a short time frame.” – West-Ruin-1318
“You are going to have an even more amazing life now that B***hy Bill is not messing with your head due to his own insecurities. You’ve done a fantastic job with yourself! You utilized the privileges you had to set yourself a stable foundation for the rest of your life, and not everyone does that.”
“Were I your mother, I’d tell you how proud I am of you.” – rikaragnarok
“Girl, I’ve been with a man like that. They want drama. They want toxicity. They will f**k up your life out of pure insecurity and hate.”
“You dodged a MASSIVE bullet. I’m sorry this happened, you deserve better. Wish you the best.” – Soft-Requirement-461
The conversation continued when the OP shared an update in a second post.
“To start, Alex moved out pretty quickly after the breakup. He has been staying with a friend, and we sorted out everything like mail, subscriptions, and the lease.”
“I’m also in the process of adopting a cat. Her name is Luna, but I have been thinking about changing it since my family already has two pets named Luna, Moon, and Qamar.”
“She is still at her foster home for now, but I have visited her a few times, and I already adore her. She is a scrappy little tabby who follows her foster mom around like a shadow, and I can’t wait for her to move in during the first week of December. I’ve already gotten her bowls, toys, and a bed by the window ready.”
The OP continued to uncover more of what had been bothering Alex.
“Now onto what happened. Last week, I was out showing someone around the city. He is the son of my parents’ friends who recently moved here for work. My parents asked me to help him get familiar with the area, so I agreed. It was nothing special, just walking around, grabbing coffee, and pointing out useful spots in the city.”
“Apparently, Alex saw us.”
“I didn’t even realize he was there, but later that night, I started getting texts from an unknown number. I guess he got a new number since I blocked his old one.”
“The texts were just weird. He accused me of flaunting my ‘new relationship’ in public, said I must have been seeing this guy before we broke up, and told me that everything he suspected about me was true.”
“I didn’t respond. I wasn’t going to entertain his paranoia. The messages kept coming though. They went from angry to desperate, with him saying things like, ‘At least admit you were lying to me,’ and, ‘Was anything about us even real?'”
“It was exhausting and honestly a little scary to see how quickly he spiraled.”
“For the record, this guy isn’t my boyfriend. He’s not even someone I’m interested in. He’s just the son of family friends who needed help settling into the city. The whole thing was completely innocent, but Alex has twisted it into some kind of betrayal in his head.”
Just like how the OP responded to the breakup, Alex wouldn’t let the issue go.
“What gets me is how little Alex seems to know me. I’m not the type of person to jump into a relationship so soon after everything that happened. Even if I were, it wouldn’t be any of his business. We are done. I’ve made that clear.”
“After I didn’t respond to his texts, Alex started calling. I didn’t pick up, but the voicemails were a mix of angry rants and desperate pleas. I ended up blocking his new number, too. It feels ridiculous that I have to keep doing this, but I guess this is where we are now.”
Alex also kept strangely appearing in the OP’s life.
“Then this weekend, I went out to a bar with my friends. A few hours in, guess who walked in? Alex.”
“I don’t know if it was a coincidence or if he followed me there, but as soon as he spotted me, he came straight over. He was clearly upset, asking to talk, and I told him no.”
“My friends stepped in, and thankfully, he left without causing a scene, but it ruined my night. It felt like I couldn’t escape him, no matter where I went or what I did.”
“When I got home later that night, I was completely drained. I had just started to relax when I heard a knock on my door. It was Alex, standing there in tears.”
“He started crying, saying he missed me, that he didn’t understand why I was ‘doing this to him,’ and that he didn’t know how to move on. It was like all the anger from earlier had been replaced with this desperate sadness.”
“I didn’t let him in. I told him he needed to leave, and if he didn’t, I would call someone to make him leave. He begged me to listen, but I just closed the door.”
The OP wasn’t sure what to do next.
“I spent the rest of the night feeling shaken and honestly, a little scared. I don’t know what he’s going through. I wrote his best friend about the situation but the plea of talking to him. He said he would.”
“I’m seriously considering getting a new phone number and possibly even talking to someone about how to handle this legally if it keeps happening. It feels unfair that I have to go to these lengths just to have some peace, but I don’t see another option.”
Fellow Redditors gave advice to the OP to help her stay as safe as possible.
“I think I would keep track of every call, text, and voicemail, and collect a ‘paper trail’ in case you need to go the legal route. Maybe get an additional lock on your door just in case.”
“He’s obviously unstable and has been for a while. Just focus on yourself and your new chapter in life, and don’t feed into his crap.” – Caspian4136
“Check for a tracking device and check all your apps and settings to make sure you aren’t accidentally sharing your location with anyone. Him ‘coincidentally’ running into you twice already does not seem at all ‘coincidental.'” – Bibliophile_w_coffee
“Don’t forget him showing up only just after she got home that evening as she had just started to relax, so she clearly hadn’t been home for long at that point. The timing there is very suspicious as if he knew exactly when she got home. Be safe, OP. Lock it all down.” – Corodix
“I recommend the OP check their phone for any apps that would track her location (e.g. life 360 app) and/or for devices like airtags (check the car, purse, jacket, etc. anything OP would carry with her).”
“Definitely recommend getting a camera/ringcam for the home, Dashcam for the car, etc. And for the paper trail, consider muting his phone number instead of blocking so you can document.”
“I know OP mentioned reaching out to the ex’s friend; I’d go a step further if possible and contact his family (parents/siblings/etc) and let them know the extent of him harassing OP.” – wigglepie
“OP, get security cameras for your home or at least a doorbell camera so you can use that as well as the logs of all the failed phone calls and texts as well as voicemails to get a restraining order if he doesn’t stop.”
“I would also talk to your employer and get them to have it logged no one in the company is to talk to him or put him through to you. That if he arrives on premises he is to be told the police will be called if he does not leave. It’s pretty clear he is stalking you and he’s becoming unhinged so best to be safe than sorry.”
“If he turns up anywhere you are again, get your phone to start filming it, or get a friend to video it for you. Also ask your friends if they told anyone they were going out with you that night and where you would all be.” – Sweet-Interview5620
In a third post, the OP shared her final interaction with Alex.
“Alex is definitely gone. My friend sent me some of his Instagram stories of him at the airport and then about a day later in Bogota. So, yep, he is gone. I am safe, and on Friday, I get to pick up Helios Maximus the first, lol (laughing out loud). Heli for short.”
“Thanks for the concern and support I’ve received. I’m fine. Really.”
“A lot of people suggested things like getting a restraining order, but I just want to clarify that it’s not as simple as walking into an office and asking for one. The process involves proving there’s an immediate danger to your safety, providing evidence like texts, calls, or witnesses, and then attending court to get approval. It’s not something you can do lightly or without solid proof.”
“And no, I’m obviously not getting a gun.”
“I’ve also seen people diagnosing Alex with various mental health issues, and I want to ask everyone to stop. Yes, something is clearly wrong, but I’m not a doctor, and neither are most of you. It’s not fair or helpful to label him with something like bipolar disorder or anything else without real expertise.”
“For what it’s worth, I don’t actually feel like I’m in danger. In the past month, these were the only three incidents that happened. I don’t think he’s actively stalking me so much as he just knew my patterns. The bar we were at was my favorite spot, and it was a party of one of my closest friends, so it makes sense that he might have guessed I’d be there.”
“When he showed up at my apartment, he knew what time I usually got home. The city tour is the only thing that might have been more intentional, but it could also have been a coincidence that triggered everything.”
The OP was surprised when Alex demanded an opportunity to make a final statement.
“Anyway, this is the end of it. Yesterday, Alex came over with his mom and one of his friends.”
“At first, I didn’t want to let him in, but he promised me that this would be the last time I ever saw him. I agreed, mostly because his mom and friend were there, and I figured it would be more awkward to argue on my doorstep.”
“When we sat down, Alex admitted that he was going through a crisis. He told me he was mad at me, but he didn’t know why. He said he doesn’t like me, that I annoy him, but that he weirdly still loves me, which is why he went crazy when he saw me with someone else. He assured me there wasn’t anyone else on his end either.”
“He said he felt like he was going insane. He talked about how he feels judged for being older and not being able to give me the life he thinks I deserve. He said he hates his colleagues, hates his job, hates everything right now, and that everyone and everything annoys him.”
“He told me he feels old and like he should want kids at this point in his life, but he doesn’t, and that thought terrifies him. He said he just wanted to be alone and not talk to anyone for a while.”
“I didn’t say much. I mostly just nodded because I didn’t know what to say.”
The OP felt like this was the final chapter.
“After he was done, he told me he was leaving. He’s on some kind of mental health leave from work, and he said he’s leaving the country on Sunday. He’s going to South America to spend time in nature and ‘find himself.'”
“He thanked me for everything and said he was sorry for how he acted. Then he just got up, grabbed the few things he had left at my place, and walked out.”
“His mom was inconsolable. She kept apologizing to me over and over, saying how embarrassed she was by his behavior. I told her it was okay and that she didn’t need to apologize for him. She cried a lot, and his friend ended up driving her home after Alex left.”
“I don’t really know how I feel about all of this. Part of me is relieved that it’s over. Part of me feels sad for him because he clearly doesn’t know how to deal with everything he’s feeling. Mostly, though, I just feel tired. I’m glad he’s taking steps to figure himself out, but it’s not my responsibility anymore.”
Fellow Redditors were relieved that Alex took accountability and that he was out of the OP’s life.
“Be glad he took accountability and apologized along with realizing he was acting crazy and taking steps to address it and get away from you. That’s enough.#
#Feel relieved, feel sad, grieve the loss of him and the relationship, and enjoy the time alone now. It’s okay to have mixed feelings about it. It’s okay to be happy one day and sad the next.”
“Thank you for the update and take care of yourself.” – mocha_lattes_
“Honestly, I was shocked to read this… but in a good way. You don’t get to see people own up and actually try to work on themselves very often and I’m glad that’s how things went rather than him spiraling further. Op, thanks for the update, and best of luck with anything you go on to do.” – DescriptionNo4833
“It is a relief he doesn’t seem violent and that he was able to at least take responsibility for his behavior. To me, it really just sounds like he’s having a midlife crisis and it’s somewhat exasperating and it really messing with his ego that his younger girlfriend is doing better financially and seems to have it more together than he does.”
“Sorry you had to deal with all of this, OP, but I’m glad you’re moving on and that you’re safe.”
“Wishing you lots of luck and happiness, and I hope Alex finds what he needs.” – acegirl1985
“It was never you. It’s just his midlife crisis when he hates everything and tried to blame it on you, but once you left and the feelings remained, then he had no choice but to realize he hates himself.” – alliandoalice
“NTA. You went through a really tough time. Take care of yourself, and remember that you deserve happiness and peace. Focus on healing and moving on.” – SophieDelacroixx
The subReddit was shocked by the whirlwind of this story, but they were grateful that the OP had dated someone who was actually willing to take some form of accountability for his actions and to make a clean break by going on a journey of self-discovery.
Perhaps most importantly, they were grateful that the OP liked her job, that she was able to financially provide for herself, and that she was in the process of getting a companion.
While this breakup was messy, it seemed the OP was going to be fine and able to provide for herself while she processed everything that had happened.