When a baby is first born, it’s important to not expose them to too many germs right away, as their immune systems are not very strong.
But when a baby is born during cold and flu season, it’s smart to take extra precautions, to avoid them falling ill young, agreed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor InstructionFamous990 was just over halfway through her pregnancy and actively making preparations for when her baby was born.
When she realized that her baby would be born during cold and flu season, she considered not letting anyone hold her baby right away, but the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her mother took that idea personally.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not allowing my mom to hold my baby?”
The OP shared her pregnancy plans with her mom.
“I am 23 weeks pregnant. A few days ago, I was talking with my mom about the birth, and of course, I said that I only want my husband to be present.”
“My mum understands that, but then she started talking about a visit right after and how she can’t wait to hold the baby.”
“I am due during the cold and flu season, so I said that maybe I won’t be comfortable with people holding my baby right after. We also had a pregnancy loss before, so I have a feeling that I might be a little overprotective.”
She was surprised by how her mother took the plans.
“My mom took it personally and fell out about that. She said something like, ‘Do you really think that I would ask you? I will just take the baby. I had three myself and will know better what to do with him than you.'”
“This shocked me. I am also sad. I understand where she is coming from, but at the same time, I feel so belittled.”
“My mom was always ‘the star’ of the family, and as a child, I felt completely overlooked (emotionally). Because of that, I moved out at 18. Since then, our relationship has gotten better, but this really surprised me.”
“I even thought about not telling her about the birth right away.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to set very firm boundaries with her mom.
“‘Do you really think that I would ask you? I will just take the baby. I had three myself and will know better what to do with him than you.'”
“I’d be like, ‘Well, the fun thing about that is that I don’t NEED you to ask me, because now I’M the mom and I get the final say. You just proved yourself untrustworthy around the baby. We’ll see you in nine months after the baby has had all of his/her immunizations.'”
“And then put her on block while you bathe in the fun of a new baby in the house.”
“Do NOT let your mom ruin this time for you, and don’t risk the heath of yourself or your baby if you feel uncomfortable. YOU’RE a mom now. Your baby is more important than your mom’s feelings and tantrums.” – Susannah-Mio
“OP, your mum just admitted that she will pull a Miss Trunchbull on you and will disregard your authority as the mother of your child. It’s time she goes on an info diet regarding your baby (don’t tell her you are in labour and make sure your hospital is aware that she is on the do not admit list).”
“Do not leave her unsupervised with your baby (invest in a carrier, those things are a godsend anyway, i could vacuum with my clingy eldest because of one), and if she attempts the Miss Trunchbull, no contact until she apologises, if she does it again, apology and time out, and extend the time out for every attempt until she gets the idea that you are mum, you set the rules for your child.”
“My nan had five kids and never pulled a Trunchbull on any of her five kids or nine grandkids without our permission (she only did it during my kids’ ‘witching hour,’ so I could have a break, just like she did for all of us).”
“The ‘old hands of motherhood’ can offer advice and different perspectives, but they should always accept that we get final say on how things go regarding our kids.” – Environmental_Art591
“If OP is disturbed now, imagine how she will feel when those raging hormones are going and she is exhausted and in pain. Her mom is poking a mama bear.” – rora_borealis
“Oh… when I had my second baby, my parents flew from our home country to help me and meet him. They joked that they could just pick up my oldest daughter from kindergarten and fly back home with her. I said, in a very calm voice, that if that ever happens, they will be met at the airport by the police.”
“They got so angry and started saying that if they did that, then they would have had a good reason, and you don’t call the police on your parents. I said that there is no justification for them to ever do something regarding my kids that goes against my wishes. I never apologised, and they never joked again.”
“YOU are the mother. YOU get to decide what is best for your baby. Doesn’t matter how many children your mother had. This baby is yours, and if she can’t respect your boundaries, then she can’t be around your baby. Shut that ‘I know better’ now. She’s the grandma, not the mom. Doesn’t matter if you are overprotective or not.”
“By the way, my first baby got COVID at three months from a visiting friend and spent a week in the hospital. This is no joke.” – CardiologistNo8766
“Gosh. I used to always threaten to kidnap my nieces and nephews and keep them forever.”
“One of my SILs would say, ‘Please please do not forget to take the diaper bag. You will need it,’ and the other one would say, ‘Sounds good, but you have to take the dog too.'”
“But it was a JOKE to show our love for each other and our children. Please, please, set very firm boundaries with your mom, OP. I think you’re going to need them.” – julet1815
Others urged the OP to end the relationship before her baby was born.
“NTA. I’m troubled by you’re explanation of why you might be the a**hole, because you say you could just go over yourself for her happiness.”
“I suspect you were trained as a kid to never p**s off your mom no matter what and make yourself small so she never feels any negative emotion (the last part of your post implies this as well).”
“It’s good to set your own boundaries and focus more on what you actually want now.” – greatgatsby26
“Guess what? Your mother is going to want to maintain the relationship, too, if she wants to see her grandchild grow up.”
“Your mother crossed a line when she told you she wasn’t going to ask permission to hold the baby. She needs to experience consequences for that, or she’ll repeatedly try to test your authority as a parent.” – Fiona_71170
“Your mom is a narcissist. Sometimes it’s better to cut some people out of your life, especially if they don’t positively add to it. You need to set boundaries with your mother, and any crossed boundaries have to have consequences attached; otherwise, they’re just suggestions.”
“If you don’t want her to come over, don’t answer the door. Don’t let her guilt-trip you, and mute her calls.”
“You’re a mom, OP. The health and safety of your baby come first, and your baby needs a physically and emotionally healthy mom. Grandparents are optional. But a baby’s mom is important to them.” – Both_Pound6814
“Why? Because she shows you so much respect? You need an entirely new relationship. The dynamic has changed. Your mother needs to accept that or be put in an info diet.” – cynicallythoughtful
“OP, I just want to say I’m sorry that your mom has put herself before you for so long that it’s routine for you. I also want to say that it’s a little worrying to me that you aren’t responding to this behavior with a higher level of concern for your baby’s safety.”
“My kids are older now, but if my mother had dared to make any kind of suggestion when I was pregnant that she would simply ‘take the baby’ against my wishes, I would have physically removed her from my home THAT MOMENT and not spoken to her for the remainder of my pregnancy.”
“I would also have thought long and hard about whether I would speak to her at all for a long time. And I say this as someone who has a fantastic relationship with my mother.”
“Your baby’s needs and safety need to become priority one, your needs and safety need to become priority two, your partner needs to support you, and your mother’s needs can come in a very, very distant last behind any pets you may have and any family that actually prove themselves helpful and supportive. Time to shine up your spine and find your inner ‘mama bear.’”
“A relationship with your mother is not worth sacrificing your baby’s wellbeing or your own, period.” – MommaSaurusRegina
The subReddit was hurt on the OP’s behalf and hoped she’d make choices that would benefit her and her baby, whether that meant really setting firm boundaries with her mom or cutting her mom out of her life entirely.