Content Warning: Body Scars, Trauma Responses, Triggers
It’s 2024, so can we just agree that it’s never okay to comment on other people’s bodies, from the clothes they wear to their body type to scars that may be showing?
Because it seems some people still have not gotten the memo, side-eyed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor StarySnowfield had spent a long time becoming comfortable with a scar she had from her thyroid surgery and making peace with how it looked.
But when one of her coworkers said harsh things about her scar and requested that she cover it up, the Original Poster (OP) felt insecure about her scar all over again.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not wanting to wear a scarf to cover my throat scar by my coworker’s request?”
The OP put in a lot of work to embrace her scar from her thyroid surgery.
“I had to have my thyroid removed when I was 14, and the surgery left a long horizontal scar across my throat. It scarred badly and even after cosmetic procedures remains highly visible.”
“Honestly, I had to overcome a lot of self-consciousness about it because people stare and make rude comments.”
“More than a decade later, I don’t think about it too much except when people say something.”
Helen was the latest person to make a comment.
“My coworker, Helen, pulled me aside to tell me it deeply bothers her having to see it, and that she is not the only person who is bothered by it.”
“She said scars upset her due to her experiences and argued that she shouldn’t need to see them in the workplace. She then requested I cover it with a scarf or choker.”
The OP felt conflicted about the conversation.
“It honestly surprised me because I have never had someone ask me to cover it before.”
“These comments made me really self-conscious again, but honestly, I do not feel I should need to cover it.”
“I really don’t like things touching around my neck, so I ignored her request, but I can’t help but wonder AITAH for letting my throat scar go uncovered?”
“I know people are curious about it, but I have never been told it triggers others’ trauma before.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP she did not need to listen to her coworker.
“If she has a problem, it’s a ‘her issue,’ and she should get personal therapy to deal with her feelings. Not force unusual requirements on other people.” – fortnight14
“Helen needs to look elsewhere, then. Her triggers are not your responsibility. NTA.” – Particular_Title42
“Well, now OP is upset by Helen due to OP’s experience with Helen and shouldn’t need to see Helen in the workplace… so by Helen’s own logic, Helen needs to be removed.” – renderedren
“I don’t know how many times I need to say this, but nobody should be commenting on anyone’s appearance in a workplace or body shaming them. It’s strictly off-limits. You’re there to work and may as well be office equipment. You’re not supposed to stare at people’s wigs or scars, or anything else.”
“You’re not supposed to comment on something they have no control over (height), leave them alone and do your job that’s it.” – Fit-Purchase-2950
“If that woman ever says something again, I would say, ‘I had to get thyroid removal surgery at 14 and it scarred badly, despite multiple attempts to mitigate it. It is triggering and makes me very self-conscious to have people make comments about it, so I’d appreciate it if you kept your comments to yourself.'”
“OP, my guess is that this woman is projecting her experience onto you and assuming it’s a scar from a traumatic event like abuse or something similar. If she has a problem with it, it’s her problem to deal with, not yours.”
“I’m a survivor of abuse. I know that my being triggered means that I need to either talk about something in therapy or use my coping skills to deal with whatever is triggering me. Her being triggered is absolutely not your fault or your responsibility. This woman is ridiculous for thinking you need to cover your body for her.”
“Go to HR immediately and explain what happened. Explain that you are not comfortable with things touching your neck. Let HR work it out. She should never have approached you about it in the first place. I’m really sorry that happened to you. Absolutely NTA, she is.” – Fuzzy_Dragonfruit344
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to report this to Human Resources (HR) immediately.
“Report this b***h to HR IMMEDIATELY. This is SO unacceptable to say to someone!”
“Run; don’t walk. Nothing about this is acceptable. And for her to confront you and intimidate you about this directly? Absolutely the f**k not.”
“I’m so serious. HR. Now.”
“NTA, obviously.” – Aggressive-Bed3269
“Definitely go to HR, not probably. 100% get in front of this.”
“OP, your body is fine the way it is, and no one gets to tell you to hide it. Do not make yourself small for others.”
“No one’s body is flawless, just some people’s differences are more visible than others. But we all have a right to live within our existing bodies in comfort and without shame.” – throwaway1975764
“NTA. Report Helen to HR for creating a hostile work environment. If it triggers her that much, she needs therapy. I got attacked by a dog as a kid. I am not asking every dog owner to hide or remove their pet.”
“Everything Helen did was inappropriate. Telling somebody that their body as it naturally exists in relation to an illness or a disability is gross and should not be looked at is f**king horrible and a form of discrimination.”
“The business should set her straight very quickly.” – Existing_Wealth_8533
“NTA. I take this to HR since Helen says your surgical scar has been the topic of conversation within the office and that your medical procedures should not be office gossip. The absolute gall.” – Melodic_Policy765
“Do this for self-preservation anyway. Helen will probably quietly fume but someone who would ask this could go further op needs to get control of the narrative before Helen goes crying trauma, most hr are useless and they can hear a buzzword and overreact so get in their first.”
“Say something like, ‘Helen has been commenting on my scars and asking me to cover them and she has also told me they have been discussed by multiple people. My scars are a result of a medical issue and I find it deeply upsetting that my body and medical issues are being discussed and speculated on by my coworkers. Please can I have your assistance in making this a safe work environment for me?'”
“Or similar wording. I bet no one has been discussing it except Helen herself but take her at her word and she will have to explain she lied or name names.” – Firecrocodileatsea
“If she wants to go scorched earth on this woman, she would insist HR tell everyone not to discuss your scar or anyone else’s medical or personal business. People will be horrified and ask you who the f**k commented on your scar. But I assume this ray of sunshine has misbehaved before and your colleagues will figure it out.” – ChiSchatze
A few shared personal stories about how someone like Helen would impact them.
“Helen would faint if she saw me. I’m covered in surgical scars, a chunk of my backside is missing (and it’s noticeable no matter what I wear) I have scars on my back, side, leg, a**, belly, arms, and legs. I couldn’t cover them all in summer even if I wanted to!”
“I didn’t sign up for scars and neither did OP. It’s something medical that happened and a resulting surgery to save life! Those scars are battle scars. They show the war we fought and won! Wear that scar with pride. It is a trophy, a badge of honor that no one can take away.”
“Helen needs to find something else to occupy her mind instead of focusing on something that’s none of her business.” – AnSplanc
“Side confession: I have a lot of very visible scars from a car accident. It was bad and traumatic and all of that. I have very little patience left for people who ask me about my scars, specifically strangers, so I make up much more horrific stories of how I get them.”
“You have no manners? No boundaries? F**k it. I’m a writer. I’m going all in on the story, and it will have nothing to do with what actually happened.” – SincerelyCynical
“NTA. Go to HR and report her behavior as creating a hostile working environment.”
“Scars can be painful physically and emotionally. Her comment was grossly insensitive and in poor taste.”
“I have a throat scar as well and a bigger one in my elbow after surgery, and people’s negative comments can have lasting effects. I have had family members tell me that I am ruined and disfigured to the point that I have not worn anything where the sleeves don’t reach my elbow since the surgery.”
“I am so sorry you have to put up with this, OP.”
“Her comments say more about her than they do about you.” – DivineGreekGoddess
The subReddit was furious on the OP’s behalf and felt that her coworker, Helen, had nothing to say to her. A scar becomes one of a person’s physical features, and it’s absolutely not something that should be mentioned in the workplace.