To many people, hair is everything.
How a person wears their hair can be a statement of their personal self-expression.
Hair fashion and hair care can be very sensitive topics to discuss.
Everybody’s hair is different.
So, trying to question another person’s hair may lead to tense situations.
Redditor ManDingoNuts wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for being ‘disgusted’ because my GF doesn’t wash her hair for weeks?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I understand this is a very sensitive subject and I want to preface by saying I am approaching this as delicately as possible.”
“Any ignorance on my part is not malicious but simply because I don’t know.”
“I (28 M[ale]) was in a long-distance relationship with my G[irl]F[riend] (25 F[emale]) for several months before we decided to move in together.”
“She now lives with me.”
“Before she lived with me, we could only visit each other one weekend every month but we called and texted every day.”
“She moved in with me about 6 weeks ago.”
“For relevant context, I am white and my girlfriend is black.”
“We live a very active lifestyle and regularly work out, hike, bike, etc.”
“I started to notice that after she worked out and showered, her hair was not wet and still in braids.”
“I have a sister, and I know women don’t always wash their hair every day, so I figured it was that.”
“But then I noticed she still didn’t wash her hair the next week either.”
“Her hair is absolutely beautiful, and I love her curls, but whenever I got near her head, I could smell that her scalp/hair was dirty and unclean.”
“I personally am very sensitive about smells, especially the smell of a dirty scalp.”
“I have to wash my hair every 1-2 days because I cannot stand the smell of buildup.”
“More time passed, and it had now been weeks since my girlfriend washed her hair, and while it might be mean to say, I was honestly disgusted.”
“The smell was really bothering me, and I brought up the issue to her, which caused her to fly off the handle.”
“Granted, I might not have gone about it the best way.”
“I basically asked her point blank when the last time she washed her hair was because it kind of smelled bad.”
“She looked at me like I was insane and immediately started calling me racist and ignorant.”
“She informed me black women’s hair is different and doesn’t require frequent washing because it can dry out and damage the follicles.”
“I told her I understand haircare for black women is different, but that doesn’t mean her scalp or hair magically stays clean and doesn’t smell after not washing out the dirt, sweat, oils, and buildup for weeks.”
“This led to her calling me ‘a dumb f**king racist’ and she kept repeating how ignorant and stupid I am.”
“This has really cut me deep because I do not believe I am racist.”
“Ignorant is fair because that is true, I grew up in a predominantly white area and my past girlfriends have all been exclusively white or Asian with straight hair texture.”
“I had no exposure, and I don’t see why a white guy not knowing about black women’s haircare is racist.”
“Things with my girlfriend are tense.”
“She has been washing her hair every day and saying she will blame me for how damaged her hair becomes because I have made her so insecure about the smell.”
“I have apologized profusely, but things still aren’t well.”
“I guess I just want an outside perspective.”
“For clarity, she did not wash her hair for 5 weeks.”
“This past week, she has been washing her hair every day.”
“For clarity on the conversation, I did not call her ‘disgusting’ to her face, but I felt disgusted by the dirty smell and lack of showering for 5 weeks.”
“I said something along the lines of ‘Hey, when was the last time you washed your hair? To be honest it smells a bit bad, babe.’”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors were all over the place declaring OP WAS and was NOT the A**hole.
“Black girl here, depending on her hair type; yes, hair care is very different.”
“Curly hair is usually washed 1-2 a week, but 4a to 4c hair is washed once every two weeks, and once every 3 weeks in braids.”
“Also, we use different moisturizers that can smell ‘strange’ if you’re not used to it.”
“I don’t doubt that maybe her hair was smelly considering your active lifestyle, but the way you went about it was wrong.”
“Also, if you can’t handle someone not washing their hair for three weeks, especially in braids, then don’t date black girls.”
“Our hair just doesn’t need to be washed as often… (unless she is sweating a lot with activities).”
“I also hope she stops washing it every day because that is not going to end well.” ~ Fun_Mathematician476
“YTA. You didn’t notice the smell before you became disgusted by noticing how often she washes it.”
“It sounds like you are saying it’s smelly to justify your disgust, not the other way around.”
“Unfortunately assuming your cultural norm is the default ‘correct’ one is very racist.”
“You can fix this by taking ownership of what happened and apologizing for everything.” ~ Ok_Albatross8909
“Nope. Black braid wearer here.”
“There should never, ever be a foul odor.”
“No you don’t need to wash daily but you absolutely still need to cleanse and properly oil your scalp on a regular basis.”
“If it’s funky or crusty, you’ve gone waaayyyy too far.” ~ freedinthe90s
“Also a chance that she could have seborrheic dermatitis (which apparently occurs quite often in the black community), and causes that funky musty smell – if she has, then washing normally won’t help anyway.”
“If she’s doing all the normal stuff like oiling her scalp, that could make the smell worse.”
“In this case, it’s nothing to do with hygiene.” ~ Lunar-Arc
“Even when you make mistakes, your partner should not be calling you names and berating you.”
“Maybe YTA for how you approached her, but seriously, OP, her reaction is not okay.”
“HUGE red flags.”
“Either she truly believes you’re a ‘dumb f**king racist’ OR she doesn’t truly believe that and she’s just being abusive to punish you.”
“Both scenarios indicate that this is an unhealthy relationship that needs to end.”
“Please do not put up with her behavior.” ~ LadyOoDeLally
“How did I immediately know this was about a black woman lol.”
“Listen, YTA, for how you approached this as if she is dirty, etc, instead of asking about her routine to learn more prior to judgment.”
“Black hair has historically been demonized as dirty and smelly because it doesn’t require the same wash protocols as caucasian hair etc.”
“It’s a deeply cultural component of the black experience and you’d serve yourself well to do a little online reading on the subject.”
“I also suspect that her hair doesn’t smell or have a build-up to the extent you’re portraying given the significant differences in black hair texture and oil production, and the way it deals with sweat.”
“Your admitted sensitivity to ‘dirty scalp’ has me wondering if you’re amplifying the issue because you *expect* someone to wash their hair more frequently than she does.”
“I also wonder if what you’re smelling is, in fact, black hair care products that support a healthy and clean scalp for black hair.” ~ ArtemisRises19
“I also think OP handled this wrong and will not pretend to be an expert on black women’s hair, but if they were only seeing each other one weekend per month, it’s totally reasonable that he didn’t notice before.”
“I mean, if I saw my partner once a month and washed my hair every 2-3 weeks, as others in this thread have suggested is appropriate for her hair type, I would be making an effort to make sure that wash day coincided with see my partner day.”
“Just saying.” ~ ArbitraryContrarianX
“My biggest question is if you’ve ever noticed this supposed smell before.”
“You’ve been dating her for how long?”
“And suddenly the smell has just randomly appeared when you move in together?”
“I’m very inclined to say YTA due to this.”
“Also, I agree with all the comments that say you should’ve asked for education rather than outright accuse her of being dirty, which is literally what you did.”
“If you’ve just now noticed the alleged smell at exactly the same time you’ve noticed she doesn’t wash her hair frequently, you’re definitely the AH.”
“Black women’s hair care is absolutely no place for you to be inserting your unwarranted criticism.” ~ Appropriate_Row_4965
Some Redditors felt differently…
“Look, I know all the black hair care specialists say not to wash your hair as often, so I don’t blame any black person for not washing their hair.”
“They are doing what they are told.”
“But as a black woman with 4a/b hair down to between my shoulder blades: this is simply not true.”
“I wash my hair twice a week, I don’t use any moisturizers, and my hair is healthy and shiny, and I don’t have any split ends.”
“I simply found a hairdresser who has a different approach, and when I started doing what she told me to do, I could wash more frequently.”
“That information isn’t as available as the oil, butter and no shampoo for weeks method, so again I understand I’m lucky.”
“But after years of feeling like I had to choose between ugly hair and being dirty, I chose hygiene and started to seek out the information I needed to keep my scalp clean and my hair healthy.”
“OP is NTA, but I also understand his GF’s perspective.”
“She is taking care of her body the way she has been thought to, and to suddenly be told you smell is really hard.”
“However, unfortunately, being black doesn’t keep your scalp from smelling.” ~ charismatictictic
“5 weeks… while being active and sweating… you know her scalp is dirty and needs washing.”
“She also could have just explained to him how her hair works but instead she started calling him names.”
“She probably knows she has gone a bit too long without washing her hair and instead of communicating about it in a mature way she accused him of being racist and yelled/called him names.” ~ ph0artef1
“Have had relaxed hair for a moment but mostly natural hair.”
“Have been active most of my life, either through play or work.”
“I’ve shampooed my hair daily as an adult because I sweat a lot.”
“I don’t go by hair type I go by how my hair feels, the condition of my scalp, and how my hair smells. I adjust my routine to use products that are less drying.”
“Sometimes I washed twice a day because of work.”
“Never experienced hair loss or dry skin because of washing too much.”
“Many issues with dry skin I have cleared up once I understood that I had P[oly]-C[ystic] O[vary] S[yndrome] and was insulin resistant.”
“Changing my diet and lifestyle did wonders.”
“I may be the exception but I don’t think OP is NTA.”
“If anything he just doesn’t know about black hair care.”
“Asking the woman he is intimate with why her hair smells off while it is not romantic pillow talk it is a valid question.”
“If you stink you stink.”
“I don’t see this relationship lasting very long.”
“There has to be give and take and at least acknowledging on both sides that questions asked are not meant to be offensive but just a question asked because the person just wants to understand and learn about you.” ~ Cool-Departure4120
“NTA. There is no world in which washing your hair only once a month ISN’T unhygienic.”
“Yes, black hair needs to be washed less frequently to be properly cared for, but she is clearly well beyond the realm of trying to take proper care of her hair.”
“if she did, her hair wouldn’t stink, and she certainly wouldn’t be washing it only 12 times a year.” ~ wetcherri
“NTA. I know nothing about black women’s haircare either but the way she responded is straight-up toxic.”
“Calling you names and acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum by washing her hair daily because you’ve hurt her once, without the intention to do so???”
“Her behavior is the problem.”
“Even if it’s just certain, rather stinky hair products causing the smell, she could’ve told you??”
“This is all so wrong.” ~ _coffee_enthusiast17
“To me NTA, I had a Caribbean partner who didn’t retwist his dreads for about 6+ months, I had the same reaction.”
“I guess you could’ve brought it up differently, but regardless, her reaction was unnecessary.” ~ Emotional_Artist9716
Well, OP Reddit has given you a lot to think about.
This situation is very tricky.
The two of you may need to sit down and have a serious chat about your relationship in general.
Good luck.