The cost of a wedding in this day and age can be astronomical!
So, of course, many couples look to their parents for help first.
Many lucky brides and grooms have parents that have saved up for the occasion.
But what if the couple shakes up the plan for their big day and elopes?
Is the couple still entitled to the money their parents stashed away?
Case in point…
Redditor External-Relief7802 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for not giving my daughter who eloped cash for her honeymoon?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter Jane recently eloped with her partner of 5 years.”
“My wife and I were excited when they got engaged to plan a wedding, but she said she didn’t want to rush setting a date or planning a wedding.”
‘This was understandable to us, and we didn’t want to rush them either.”
“But we let her know we would contribute a set amount to her wedding when the time came.”
“Then last week she tells me she has an announcement and that they actually eloped together because they decided they didn’t want the big event with all the attention on them.”
“This was a little disappointing, but we understood.”
“She’s never been the type to want to be in the spotlight, so while we weren’t expecting it, it wasn’t the biggest shock in the world.”
Things took a turn.
“What did feel like a shock is when she assumed we’d just give her that amount of cash straight up.”
“She said they wanted to use it to take a month-long traveling sabbatical/honeymoon.”
“My wife and I told her the money we were prepared to give her was for a family event, not just for her to do as she pleases.”
“If she didn’t want a traditional wedding, that’s fine, but we never told her we were just giving her say 15 grand for the act of getting married.”
“We just didn’t want her to have to spend a ton of her own funds on a wedding.”
“And since relatives and family friends would have presumably been there, we were happy to pay for it so she wouldn’t have to.”
“Two of my nieces have gotten married in the last couple years, and it’s a family event to us, not just about the two people getting married.”
“This has caused a whole thing with her saying we went back on our word to her, but in my mind, we never told her otherwise.”
“We did say if she wants a second ceremony/family event to celebrate but wouldn’t be an official wedding, we would sponsor that.”
“If she had asked if she eloped or had a tiny wedding, if we would give her some of it for a honeymoon, we may have considered it.”
“But it’s hard to know because we were never given the request. They just went and did their own thing.”
“Which again is fine.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not just giving her the cash we would have paid?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Your expectations and conditions are entirely reasonable.”
“It was unreasonable for her to assume that she could simply take the ‘cash option’ here.” ~ jmgolden33
“NTA. It’s fair for both sides to be a little disappointed, but ultimately they have to respect each others’ choices in this scenario.”
“Also, paying for different services is different than being able to provide ‘cash’ – obviously, we don’t know OP’s financial situation, so we can’t know if this would even be possible.” ~ Optimal_Roll_6764
“NTA. She used the situation to her advantage so she could go on vacation instead of taking the opportunity to share the experience with her family.”
“And as said, the decisions made are reasonable.”
“But not to assume that her parents would be okay with dishing out cash for a vacation rather than a family event.” ~ myste__
“NTA. I’m so shocked by the daughter here!”
“My husband and I decided to have the wedding we wanted based on what we could afford.”
“My parents (separated) both took exception to choices we made.”
“When I said they were based on budget, they insisted on paying for the upgrades they wanted (my dad, scotch drinker, HORRIFIED we would only comp light beer and wine / my mum, sentimental, DISTRAUGHT we weren’t getting the full day photography package with a second camera person).”
“The money was never a cash gift. It was about making sure family could be hosted comfortably and keeping up with their traditions.”
“I would never dream of asking them to give me the cash instead!” ~ DgShwgrl
“This is kind of a cultural thing.”
‘Some people view a wedding as just a celebration of the couple dedicating themselves to each other’s.”
“Other people view it as a celebration of the families being joined through the union of the couple.”
“The latter tends to be more prevalent among certain cultures, and when viewed through that lens, a wedding is more of a family event.” ~ Impressive-Werewolf8
“NTA. You and your wife offering to contribute toward wedding expenses in no way means your daughter is somehow entitled to that money if a wedding does not take place.”
“That’s just entitlement on your daughter’s end.” ~ naisfurious
“Yes! And it’s a conversation to have with your parents BEFORE you elope- I talked all my options out with my dad, and he was willing to give us a set amount if we eloped or contribute the same amount to a wedding.”
“But it’s a discussion, not ‘I got married, can I have the cash?’” ~ Sunset_Meadows
“NTA. You said you would help with the wedding, not with the honeymoon.”
“There’s a difference in spending so much money for an event a whole lot of people would enjoy than giving it for two people only to spend.”
“She didn’t spend a penny because she eloped. I’m sure she has all the money for a good honeymoon without you giving her anything.” ~ Eris-Ares
“It would be like asking friends and family for money when they weren’t invited to the ceremony. NTA.”
“But I also think a small donation wouldn’t be unreasonable as a blessing to the newlyweds.”
“OP is not the a-hole regardless of their decision.” ~ Over-Analyzed
“NTA. You were willing to pay for a wedding because you wanted a wedding.”
“She didn’t want a wedding, which is fine.”
“But you’re under no obligation just to give her the money you would have spent on a wedding if there wasn’t an agreed-upon deal ahead of time.” ~ DukeMaximum
“NTA. It feels a bit entitled that she surprise eloped and then still expected the money, especially to take a MONTH-LONG vacation.”
“Very excessive when not using your own money, in my opinion.”
“Like you said, if she would have come to you before getting married and laid it all out there, then maybe you could have compromised/given her a smaller amount as a wedding gift or something.”
“It kind of seems like a ‘it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission’ type situation where she was hoping you’d just give in.”
“My parents paid for my wedding, and if I eloped, I wouldn’t have had the balls to ask my parents for the money they would have spent.” ~ theluckiest22
“Obviously, NTA.”
“You offered money to pay for a wedding, aka, a party for family and friends.”
“You would have enjoyed that party, while the honeymoon is just for the couple.”
“I don’t think your daughter is TA for having eloped, but she is for being entitled and assuming that she could get that money without asking first if you’d agree with that.” ~ Sotired5527
“NTA. Paying for the wedding was to relieve a burden.”
“It wasn’t a cash gift.”
“As there was no burden, there is nothing to relieve.”
“Epic entitlement.” ~ EntrepreneurAmazing3
“Why is it all or nothing?”
“I can understand not giving her $15k because a wedding is very expensive, but how about a few thousand so they can have a nice honeymoon?”
“It seems like you have no interest in giving her a gift to celebrate her marriage unless there is something in it for you as well. NAH.” ~ kimariesingsMD
“NTA, but we set aside $15k to spend on each child’s wedding or to help with a down payment on a first home. Their choice.”
“Oldest child owns a home with fiancé already, and fiancé’s parents are paying for the entire wedding, so he scores.”
“Nice honeymoon for them after we pay for tuxes, hotels, and bar bill.”
“2nd child, we gave $5k for band, paid for rehearsal and some other expenses, so they just had $1000 left in our budget for housewarming. Kid 3 is frugal.”
“He’s going to want the cash and skip the wedding costs.” ~ Ipso-Pacto-Facto
“NAH. I’m of a different mind than most on this subject.”
“I would gladly pay for a honeymoon instead of a wedding.”
“Granted, my family always manages to cause drama, so weddings aren’t as fun as they could be or should be.”
“I’m also of the mind that the wedding is 100% for the couple.”
“Too many people try to put in and add their opinions.”
“Sure, it’s also a very family-oriented event, but without someone getting married, it wouldn’t be happing at all.”
“However, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.”
“But at the same time, you could gift them a nice honeymoon that is a fraction of what you intended to spend on the wedding, and they’ll have a lifetime of memories from a long trip as opposed to a single day.” ~ panteragstk
Well OP, Reddit is with you and the wife.
Your money, your rules.
Hopefully, you and your daughter can agree and celebrate her nuptials.