Death is a harrowing experience.
Grief is even worse.
How people grieve is so private and intimate.
You want to try to make the pain of the loved ones a little less hurtful.
Sometimes that may mean staying away.
Case in point…
Redditor sgdneyrother wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for wanting to go to the funeral of a girl that I helped get addicted to drugs?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m 26 and clean from heroin for 3 years.”
“I was also a piece of s**t and used to deal for a while.”
“I managed to get with a beautiful girl named Marcy when I first started getting into the thick of things.”
“She knew who I was but she said she loved me.”
“I will regret this for the rest of my life, but I was the person who shot up Marcy for the first time.”
“After that, there was no stopping her.”
“She stuck around with me, probably because I was her dealer more than anything.”
“But then I got clean and never saw her again for a long time.”
“A year ago she reached out to me on Facebook and told me that she had been clean for a few months and she said that she didn’t hate me for what happened and she hoped I was still clean.”
“Last week I got a call from my sister who told me that she saw on Facebook that Marcy had O[ver]D[osed] and there was a funeral service this upcoming Thursday.”
“I immediately just burst into tears because I hoped that this would never happen and I feel so much guilt over it.”
“I want to go to the funeral service for her but I’m afraid that my presence would be unwanted.”
“At the most I would just slip in the back, pay my respects and leave.”
“I need to do this for myself.”
“AITA for wanting to go?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS or at least, would be the A**hole.
“You’re not the a**hole for wanting to go, YWBTA if you did go.”
“Your presence would not be welcomed. Go mourn privately somewhere else.”
“Also, edited to add… It’s a *ick move to use this opportunity to ‘do this for yourself’ as you put it.”
“Her family’s not putting on a funeral to lessen the guilt of the person who got their child addicted to heroin.”
“Find something else to do for yourself.”
“Maybe talk about it at an NA meeting or something.” ~ REDDIT
“Agreed. OP did enough.”
“I would be irate if my brother’s heroin dealer had the audacity to show up to my brother’s funeral.”
“Mourn elsewhere.” ~ REDDIT
“My daughter od’ed 3 months ago and if anyone who sold her the stuff she was doing, especially the one who was thought to be getting her stuff at last, it wouldn’t have been a good situation for him.”
“And I’m sure this girl’s family and friends are of the same mind.”
“Why in the hell would you want to cause them any more grief, did the drugs really f**k your mind up that bad or are you just naturally an a**hole.”
“You want to do something decent, stay away.”
“Far away, don’t sneak in the back quietly, don’t go to the grave yard, just stay away.”
“These people had to bury their child and there is no worse pain that I know.”
“Leave them alone, they have enough pain to deal with.” ~ jsxtasy304
“My friend’s dealer tried to show up at my brother’s funeral.”
“He got stopped at the gate and turned around because we specifically told them to not let him in.”
“Never saw him again ‘nor do I want anything to do with him.”
“He basically killed my 20 year old little brother.” ~ thefaith1029
“THIS! OP – As an addict you were selfish.”
“You did a lot of things ‘for yourself.'”
“As a sober person you have to recognize when that addict selfishness is seeping through.”
“This is one of those times.”
“Her funeral is not the time or place to be thinking of your needs.”
“Think of her family’s needs and mourn privately.”
“Don’t attend her funeral.” ~ IAMA_Shark__AMA
“I admire that you have been clean for 3 years, and are heartbroken for your friend and her family.”
“That said, I agree with others saying that your presence at the funeral would be disruptive and painful.”
“There are a lot of ways you can come to terms with this and resolve these feelings, without going to the funeral.”
“Maybe talking to someone about your feelings would be really helpful, either at an NA meeting or with a counselor?”
“I also liked the idea of volunteering your time to a shelter or other community program, so that these feelings have some output, rather than festering inside of you.”
“Guilt and regret are powerful emotions, and it’s important you address them in healthy, productive ways, and in ways that don’t hurt others.”
“Good luck to you, OP.”
“I’m sorry to hear about your friend.” ~ noodlepartipoodle
“I don’t think you’re an a**hole for wanting to go as you were her boyfriend and loved each other.”
“However you also supplied her with dope and were the one to show her the needle.”
“I have a son addicted to dope as well and Dammit its hard as hell to deal with him. “
“So I can see both sides of this situation and my suggestion is one the day of her funeral maybe go somewhere that gives you peace and have some quiet alone time.”
“In a few days you can go to her grave site so you can say goodbye or get closure.”
“If the worst happens to my son and I lose him to this f**kin’ dope it will most certainly break my heart.”
“There would be people that show their face that were friends with him before the dope that have since gotten into it as well and have helped him get it a few times.”
“Even tho i used to love those girls and allowed them in my life that was before the dope.”
“I do know me though and if I do lose my son to this- anyone who has had anything to do with helping him would need to be unseen by me forever because i will most likely unleash my anger on them.”
“So please don’t go even tho you were more than her dealer. It would be like spitting in their face.” ~ Loganslove
“The guy that was thought to had gave her what was used when she od’ed showed up at a memorial thing that friends had for her at a local club.”
“And he didn’t even make it through the door.”
“He was jumped and beaten in the parking lot almost as soon as he stepped out of the vehicle he was in by a few long time friends and a few family members.”
“Even this some would say… Well kinda deserved…”
“But for me and her mother it was just more stress and grief on top of everything else that we was dealing with at the time.”
“This is why I said just stay far away… Completely.”
“For OP, do you somewhere else…”
“Whatever demons you feel you must deal with, do it in your own world on your own time.”
“Leave this family alone.” ~ jsxtasy304
“NTA. But you would be if showing up would hurt her parents.”
“Let me explain, While I get where most of you are coming from, it is not OP’s fault that she started using.”
“I am an addict in recovery and I in no way blame the guy who ai first used with for getting me addicted.”
“That was my choice.”
“Both OP and Marcy got clean, she relapsed which often happens and OP had NOTHING to do with her relaps and they had made peace with their situation before her death.”
“Even she didn’t blame him.”
“The comments being made are very toxic for someone vulnerable like I’m sure OP is right now.”
“Now to the funeral, does her family blame you for starting her on drugs because even though Marcy didn’t blame you?”
“That doesn’t mean her family doesn’t to an extent and if it will hurt them to see you there it is probably not the best idea that you show up.”
“Maybe make your way to the cemetery after the funeral and show your respects.”
“Now is the time to think about their feelings instead of your own.” ~ notagain82
“Your presence is definitely unwanted.”
“Let her family grieve without having to cope with seeing you alive next to her coffin. YTA.” ~ Gonebabythoughts
“YTA. And potentially incredibly stupid too.”
“If I was the father of the daughter who died, and you showed up to the funeral, I would put you in the hospital.”
“If she’s buried, find your peace at her gravesite when no one’s around.” ~ RegisterInSecondsMeh
“YTA of you attend.”
“Unless you’ve received an okay from the family I think it is safe to assume that her previous dealer would not be welcome.”
“Give her loved ones this opportunity to mourn and then you can maybe visit her grave and say your goodbyes at another time.” ~ laalaa-hotshot
Well OP, Reddit sounds pretty loud and clear.
It’s a tough situation.
It maybe best for some distance and private grieving.
Good luck.